I have never shied away from my dislike of infants – or even toddlers. I don’t know why – maybe it’s from all the filthy diapers I changed with my brother or how much my cousin cried incessantly and constantly for hours and hours and hours straight when she was getting her teeth but I don’t want then around. The last time I held a baby it was on my lap staring at me and it shit – I could feel it on my leg – and stared at me. About a month ago I saw that kid at a funeral and I wanted to corner her and ask her if she knew or remembered what she did but you can’t look cool pointing and talking sternly at a three year old, right? Why can’t the human new ones come out and be like puppies and not cry constantly constantly constantly. But – in general- I’ve always liked old people and the stories of their lives they can tell me.

Like when my one grandpa bootlegged liquor back in the 30s or my other one talked about having to eat things like gopher brains during the depression or my grandma being “a pagan” while everyone else was “catholic”. The other month I was looking through an envelope of papers my mom sent me and in it were telegraphs me gramps had sent home from Europe during WWII – those are pretty cool.

Point is – I’ll go with the older part of the group rather than the crying babies so I was excited to see something come out about old people killing everyone because that just makes sense to me. “RESPECT THE ELDERLY BECAUSE YOURE GONNA BE ONE TOO!!” Says someone in Polish before killing them with some sort of iron ball stuffed inside some sort of patchy old sock.

As this thing rolled along, I was really liking it until (and I wasn’t really keeping track) but something changed and the old went from upset geriatrics to some sort of raging, PCP riddled murdering types and that didn’t really make a lot of sense. Now – I was watching it with English dub so maybe things made more sense in the original polish?

But yeah – elderly, forgotten, pale and withered Polish people go from starving and unwanted to arsonist rioters who’ll rip your guts out right fucking there in front of your daughter and everyone else. “Don’t fuck with your elders” someone repeats for good measure, shoving a rotary phone up some Millennial’s asshole and adds “come see me when you know how to use this thing.” “Hura!”

Overall I liked this thing and was entertained for the most part but most importantly, here are some other old people who please me (some of them may be dead):

Lo Pan;

Robert Coover:

Tom Baker:

Galactus:

Of course, Grover Cleveland:

This guy, forever:

This lady:

And this one:

Gene Wolfe:

This guy:

And, since we’re honest, the one old person I have never liked at all:

FILED UNDER: AT LEAST THEY TRIED