v/h/s 99 (2022)

I don’t think it’s a lie to say that I’ve set the bar pretty low for movie writin’ about, for point making or even for the use of punctuation, but this is my place so I can say what I wanno and have a beer and a cigar and get distracted and go play with my dogs and then put shit out here. Lately I’ve been watching some things that I liked which is generally rare so YAY good job me! But one of the pillars of my life is – well – I think the first pillar of my life came early: don’t bother anyone. I don’t think I formulated that one on my own – I think that was spanked into me by my parents and I never really knew why, I guess. I feel like I’d be doing what they said or just minding my own business and suddenly I was always in trouble and getting yelled at and getting spanked and grounded so I’ve really always tried to not bother people.

(That time we lived in [REDACTED] and I got the wise idea to run away from home because I was constantly getting spanked and yelled at – woah fuck did I get spanked and yelled at for that – jesus)

Anyway I recently signed up for Shudder and saw this on there even though I generally hated VHS 94 but I watched it anyway and – for fuck’s sake – I hated almost every minute of this movie and consider it the low mark for I think everything I’ve watched all year. This brings me to one of the other pillars of my life: you have to watch the bad movies to appreciate the other ones – so… all of everyone out there dumping on Halloween Ends – I dare you to watch this and compare the two. I’ll talk Ends in a little bit but first this shit.

Uh, there’s this wrap-through-the-middle story about some irritating assholes playing with army men. “Pee pew pow pie oh no!” they say, grating on my last nerve. Then we go to what I guess is some sort of Jackass take on some annoying dipshits in a band that wants to go rock out in some underground warehouse where some other band caught fire and burned to death at some point in the past. I hated all of these characters and the way they acted and talked and the whiney guy who’s too scared to do anything down there but still has the balls to pull out his sticks and pound out a set – I really wanted to slap him around a little. Then they get ripped apart offscreen by the zombie band. Then the zombie band plays a gig. I wish I could take the flame to that entire segment and sweep its ashes away from me forever. Only The Fire can help me on that one..

The next one has to go with some chick who wants to join a sorority and agrees to be buried alive. First off – I hated all of this cast and second – I really doubt any of them could actually shovel heavy dirt. Third – the coffin she gets – uh – interred in has a big cross opening on the top so we can see this poor girl’s face as she gets covered up but, for real now, how did that cross get in a place where it could withstand a thousand pounds of dirt on it? It couldn’t, thanks. Then, really with the spiders? Then, really with that much rainwater? Did they dump the ocean in that hole? Ugh. My Flame will have to be very Efficient AND Divine to Cleanse this.

I really don’t want to spend three days writing on this shitty thing so here’s some brief recaps:

One of the segments has to do with the stupidest gameshow I’ve ever seen and then they go into some cave and get their faces burned off and they all die. OOOPS spoilers.

The one that tries to tie together the PEW PEW PEW army men has to do with some horny and manidliketokicktheirsorrypukeasses pukes who peep on some pretty blond girl who turns into Medusa.

The last one has to do with some séance or summoning or something and the guys filming it go to hell. With their camera. In there one of them cries about not being accepted by his friend, even though they’re in Hell, and they meet some woman down there who eats fingers and reminded me of one of the evil troll guys from Legend. I think the one I’m thinking of was Blix (I think). Maybe. Anyway, she eats human debris and talks funny and then they go back to Earth somehow. Fucking terrible. I mean, I guess, I’m CLEARLY not the right demographic for this horseshit.

But, back to Halloween Ends. Did you REALLY think it was going to be some sort of two hour Octagon Cage Match between Myers and Curtis? Surely not. Now – I didn’t love the thing but compared to this it was some sort of miracle. Of course I had problems with it but, people, let’s keep it in perspective. After watching her for SO LONG, I was OK with taking a break from Jamie Lee Curtis for two movies. That was OK with me. She was GREAT in Everything, Everywhere but Laurie Strode can take a break. It’s OK, really. I LOVED the opening to Ends – on the other hand, I really didn’t care for the guy they cast to be the big bad. I LOVED the blow torch scene but after Myers withstood the entire town hitting him with sticks and bats the last movie, he was sure went quick in this one. Maybe eatin’ those sewer rats wasn’t a good source of vitamins? I also didn’t get how Strode went from being afraid and broken and living in a doomsday bunker for forty years to being A-OK and loving the Halloween traditions and just wanting to be someone who could go and get her tits out (sic) in just a couple of years after her family was murdered and the killer got away but…. hey….:

it was a million times better than this.

THIS MOVIE FILED UNDER: ONLY THE MERCIFUL FLAME CAN CLEAN THIS

HALLOWEEN ENDS FILED UNDER: HMMM, WELL, I’VE SEEN WORSE

WITH A P.S. OF: YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WAS WORSE THAN HALLOWEEN ENDS? AUTOMATON TRANSFUSION, SEE JANE RUN, NOWHERESVILLE, THE BUDDY GAMES, HOWLING 7, BIRDMAN, THAT MOVIE WHERE BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH BEATS UP A HORSE, DEAR GOD NO, AMERICAN PSYCHOS, THE PAPERBOY, PITCH BLACK, JESSE EISENBERG, DAY OF THE DEAY 2 CONTAGIUM, PASSION IN HOT HOLLOWS BY JOE SARNO, THE ACADEMY AWARDS, THE LEGEND OF HALLOWEEN JACK, ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT SEASON 5, BUTTCRACK (THE MOVIE), GUTTERBALLZ, THAT QUEEN ALBUM AFTER FREDDIE MERCURY DIED, NEW JERSEY, THE WRESTL-

8 thoughts on “v/h/s 99 (2022)

    1. I did! I need to dig in there and see what’s up! The last few weeks of TV watchin time I’ve spent on Cabinet of Curiosities. It was a good enough series but you know how it goes with anthologies.

      How have you been??

      Like

  1. Poor v/h/s has run its course, I think. The first two had a couple of fun stories, but overall they were never what I would call ‘great’, and you could already tell by the second film that the stories were going south, so that’s never a good sign. Sounds like I was smart to stop when I did.

    And I agree with you on Halloween Ends. It has its share of problems, but it was…fine? Certainly better than the online complainers claimed. Like, I don’t necessarily agree with some of the choices they made, but I can also see WHY they were made, so it didn’t piss me off. In fact, I actually kinda liked it.

    But yeah, the whiny, twenty-something bad guy could have been less annoying.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Tom

    I need to make a trip to Oklahoma or wherever you live and hire Kenny Loggins to join me to play an acoustic set while I slap some sense in to you for lumping ‘Buddy Games’ and ‘Birdman’ in the same group of shit movies!!!!!! YOU BITE YOUR TONGUE GODFUCK IT

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well you’re always welcome here my amigo and maybe we could go bowl a few frames and have some pitchers of –

      Hey hey hey! There’s no need for hitting me man remember the old shitfest days and I didn’t like birdman back then either and I don’t like Michael Keaton or jazzy snare drums and shit like that so maybe it’s not as bad as buddy games but it sure wasn’t my type of thing and maybe I’ll just go punish myself and put on my new Shame Blouse and hopefully my dogs will still like me and fuck I don’t know anything any more.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Tom

        Lol yeah I could probably have used an emoji or two to show that I was in fact joking there, that sounded more serious than I meant. I totally get the pushback on Birdman, I think the praise for it reached some kind of stratospheric height it didn’t REALLY deserve. I thought it’s just an interesting story told in a really darkly funny way and I do like Keaton but I see why others don’t. Jizzy snare drums, however, have taken your dislike personally and are probably going to feature on every soundtrack of every movie you ever watch from now on.

        Liked by 1 person

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