On The Line – a movie where Mel Gibson plays a gruff and angry ‘shock’, in the middle of the night, radio host. He’s angry! He’s pissed! He’s got something to say! Don’t call him if you’re fucking stupid! Right! Got it! Do you understand?! YOU GOT IT?? He’s edgy! He’s gruff! He’ll eat your fucking kids! Maybe. I guess that’s alleged. Maybe. Nothing like that really happens. But he does have a deep and gravelly voice. But ——-> I still like Gibson so I rented this on purpose even though it didn’t look super great and, you know what? It was probably one of the most mediocre movies I’ve seen in years. I guess – maybe – if I get to it – I might talk about the end of this but I PROMISE you it won’t ruin anything here,

This starts off with Gibson being all soft with his family before he heads off to work in his shiny, waxed, glistening 60s Mustang. Luckily, when he gets to work and greets the new security guard, some dude walks in behind him and points a gun everywhere threatening to blow everyone’s fucking brains out unless Gibson (whose character’s name is really Elvis Coon) puts him on air. “I’m the messiah” says the dude with the gun, “put me on the air or I’ll kill you all.” “No one listens to radio any more, son. Go put it on tick tock and make your point” retorts Coon. “Oh ok.” says the guy with the gun and leaves.

After they’ve almost all been killed EXECUTION STYLE MOTHER FUCKERS!, he heads upstairs, argues with his producer, argues with Matt Dillon’s brother and sees a new guy introduced to his staff. He’s meek and sweet and has some sort of European accent like he’s English or Welsh or something and they make fun of him so he quits and then comes back because Coon was just kidding, haahah LOLZ just a joke you fucking English prick! Go get me a Guinness and some hog’s feet! HAHHAHA You fucking bastard check out my giant balls and he smears them all over the booth window, leaving some sort of sweaty grease marks. “Game of Thrones that!” he jokes then someone calls into the radio show threatening to kill Coon’s family that he was so nice to 20 minutes earlier. Because he cares. And foreshadowing.

Nothing else really happens in this movie until the end and even that was pretty lame but I can’t just leave this post after three paragraphs because: my OCD so let’s hear it for a new and improved:

The other day I was doing what I have to do a couple of times a day and that means looking at Twitter and Twitter showed me a Tweet I might like because of the people I follow even though none of the people I follow would like something like this but I looked at it anyway and it was some guy defending Kevin Smith for posting a picture of himself crying in the movie theater while he was watching (I guess) Black Panther 2. I’ve never ever liked Kevin Smith or any of his movies except for Dogma and that very very small role he had in Southland Tales so even though I dislike his shit I could really really care less about his attention getting attempts but this one bothered me more than his usual douchiness because who the fuck is all “OMFG this movie really moved me. In fact, it move me so fucking much and I’m SO TOUCHED that I’m going to take a picture of the tears on my face while I’m so moved and touched in my heart and crying and put it on my social media.” To me, he mustn’t have been too moved or touched or emotional if he could take some time and take a picture of his crying face and post it somewhere. To me, that’s about as douchey as it gets so up yours Kevin Smith I bet you’ll go write another Clerks movie and not grow out of that phase of your life yet.

And all of that reminded me me of whenever a couple of months ago or so that people were getting fired up and angry about that lady who played that flute. I guess I don’t get why people would be so goddammed upset over who the lady was that played the flute but, to me, the real questions should be: “are you sure you people aren’t just really mad that someone is playing THE FLUTE and you’re listening to it? I guess and I’m sure the Probabilitists that follow my blog will tell me that some of the few people that actually read this thing might like the music of the flute but I have to think that looking at what I guess is a lot of people upset over her breathing into the flute there can’t be that great of a majority that like the sounds of it so maybe they should stop listening to it? Or is everyone a flautist like my cousin in law? I haven’t talked to her in several months – I wonder what she thought of it?

All of that then reminded me of the time early in Mrs Film Miasma and my lives together when we went and had brunch at this restaurant I used to work at and I knew most everyone there and the bartender was actually my friend so he kept giving us free flutes of champagne and after a few hours of that we decided to go shopping and drunk spend some money on this credit card I had paid off so I bought a $500 dollar acoustic guitar without ever having tried even playing one. I tried watching videos back in the earlier days of YouTube and even once took it over to my friend’s house where we were watching a football game – he’s the guy that was in the band for all of you following along – and after the game he tried to teach me some chords and I was actually getting the hang of it and then I looked up and everyone else who was there watching the game was in the room we were in and they were all watching us and my insecurities fucking got me and I quit or ejected prematurely and I never played that thing again and eventually sold it to my friend’s daughter for 200 bucks so that was a terrible investment but my point is that if I had kept at it people might haave started to hate my guitar playing like they hated that lady and the flute music.

hh

THIS MOVIE FILED UNDER: AT LEAST THEY TRIED, I GUESS, BUT I’M NOT SURE THEY TRIED SUPER HARD SINCE, IN THE END, EVERYTHING WAS JUST SOME SORT OF PRANK ON THE NEW GUY AND THEN A DOUBLE PRANK ON GIBSON AND NONE OF THAT MADE ANY GODDAMMED SENSE

WITTH A SUB-FILING OF: GO GET ME A GUINESS AND SOME HOG’S FEET