Today I thought I’d try something new and go a little more traditional for this piece. I mean, I’m sure Apu Punchau and the guy who killed himself in the bucket of beans will make a return at some point but let’s see how this cozy, home style cannibalism thing went.

So this dirty, older man is ogling bikini clad mannequins in a store window when he starts coughing up black blood and drops dead and the cleaning crew pretty much sweep him out of the way like the filthy garbage he is but they don’t know that he has a family – a wife and three kids – who are depending on him to open his clock and watch repair kiosk at the flea market and when he doesn’t show up his two boy kids Julian and Alfredo I think are sent out by the mother to open up for the day and for some reason I don’t remember Julian gets pissed off at someone and kicks the shit out of him so they get evicted from the market and all is lost but not really but all is really lost a little bit later when the daughter learns that the dad is dead and who is going to provide food for the family now so Julian and Alfredo go out and get a hooker and bring her home and Julian fondles her boobs but the mom doesn’t want to eat another prostitute so she smashes her fucking head in with some sort of broom and Sabina tells Alfredo “he’s the man in charge now” so he goes out to find some other source of supper while the mom and Julian bag up the hooker and put the dead body where all of the other prostitutes work and I don’t mean in an office or doing retail I mean on a curb right so she warns the other three dollar whores or is it pesos that they will end up like this filthy fucking dead bag of shit if “THEY TRY AND FUCK MY SONS!!!!!” and on the other side of town Alfredo has picked up some boy in a boy bar and makes out with his Pee Pee in the bathroom while back at home the mother drops Julian off and they may or may not allude to him and Sabina having some sort of – um – unnatural brother and sister Pee Pee relationship while the mom heads back out and screws some taxi driver’s Pee Pee and suddenly Alfredo shows back up at home with his new boyfriend but Julian and Sabina don’t want to eat a gay boy and the mom shows up with the taxi driver for dinner and all five of them have a well choreographed scuffle and Alfredo’s boyfriend runs off and tells the cops that “THE PEOPLE IN THAT HOUSE ARE MAKING GAZPACHO AND EVEN ADDING BAY LEAVES BECAUSE THEY WANT TO EAT ME OMG BAY LEAVES!!!!” so here comes the cops and what do you know here comes the group of hookers and the cops are in the house and Alfredo starts to eat his sister alive so Julian shoots him in the fucking head but the cops shoot Julian five or six times and the mom who made her escape on the rooftops jumps down and has a rest on a playground slide and gets killed by the gang of curb working ripped nylons backstreet cocksuckers but the daughter is still alive after all so she takes her leave of the hospital and the film ends showing her ogling some ugly, skinny dude with a giant head so it seems the family will go on and They Are What They Are amen brother hallelujah satan is celebrating god damn.

There we go – just like your mom’s apple pie or smothered steak or goulash- right? Warm as a fireplace on a cold day. Ah youth! Did you have a good youth? Did you eat your mom’s stew? Was it tasty? Was it filled with human meat? Were those ribs your family grilled outside – were they cow or pig or your uncle’s neighbor? When friends or family came over for holiday parties or just the weekend, do you remember your dad giving them a good sniff or breaking out his measuring tape and sizing up the length of someone’s leg when they weren’t looking? Did you have one of those thanksgivings were someone brought out an entire pig with the head and feet still on it? Disgusting.

Oh well, right? To each their own because we are what we are and they eat what they want and they know who you are and they know who you balled in the bowling alley bathroom and we are what we learned and they learned what we ate and you ate the best for reading my shit.

FILED UNDER: AT LEAST THEY TRIED

In honor of this post, here’s a picture of United States president Dwight Eisenhower after signing The Federal Highway Act of 1956, enjoying one of his favorite desserts, a frozen human lung.