WARNING! GRAPHIC NUDITY BELOW!

Recently I thought I’d get to my basics and go with a nice slasher – a good, fun one in a camp where everyone wears cut off jean shorts, bikini tops, and a lot of them get speared through the gut or their sleeping bags get stuck to a motorboat propeller and they get twisted into a schmillion pieces and their remains get turned into some kind of thirst quenching chewing gum used by the local co-ed softball team. That kind of thing. What I grew up with. My roots. I found this loitering around the convenience store, smoking cigarettes and drinking beer, and gave it a look and – well – let’s see.

It goes like this: in the opening, the killer shoves a tire iron through a hitchhiker’s mouth and out of her skull, killing her. He then drags her body into the woods where he’s got a folding table set up, complete with a tablecloth, some dinnerware and a small cabinet off to the side. He removes the girl’s internal organs and places them on a serving tray on top of the table, thinks about it for a few seconds of screen time and then places the pancreas and kidney on some flattened newspaper, rolls them up nicely and sets the bundle in the little cabinet. He then sets up a sterno station, begins the process of slow cooking the stomach and its contents and sits down against a tree to read a society / culture magazine. Maybe bewildered (we’re not sure because he’s wearing a devil mask) he gets back up, takes the pancreas out of the newspaper bundle and takes it back to his pickup truck and sticks the thing in the glove box, after which he lights a cigarette, pulls his cell phone out of his back pocket and starts flipping through who knows what, getting ashes all over his screen for some reason. This goes on for a few more minutes before he flicks his smoke into the back of his truck and heads back to where he was cooking that stomach. The filmmakers take some time to show the practical effects where the stomach has seared itself together and redirects to our man in the devil mask, who picks up the stomach and whatever is in it, tucks it under his arm like a football and runs off into the woods, one arm extending in front of him like he’s playing fullback for the New York Jets. Using the trendy ‘one long take’ approach, we follow him through the trees, trampling families through a church picnic, down a quarter mile of highway, through a run down strip mall parking lot when he somehow ends up back at his truck. He throws his football in the passenger seat and the camera pans down as he puts his hands down the front of his pants. Is he going yank one off before his next big move? No, he apparently keeps his keys in his underwear like only people in movies do so he tries to fire up his truck but it just turns over and over. They even spend time showing him messing with the manual choke but the engine just won’t start. Pissed off I guess, he spends the next 4-5 minutes in montage, changing the alternator, cursing and fussing over those goddammed camp kids and their bladtmafastfargin pranks and how he’ll get each and every last one of them it’s the last thing he gligginfliggn does blarmeysnatch it all. Eventually he gets the fucking engine started and he speeds off in a trail of gravel and dust, flipping off the camera as they cut to the opening credits.

Isn’t that interesting? The thing is, almost none of that happens at all except the crowbar thing. What we do get is a bunch of heavily tattooed twenty or more year olds wearing camp counselor tee shirts, showing a lot of poise in not bearing their teats, getting killed in various places in various styles for seemingly no reason I can tell. One guy is really horny so he beats off into a metal bucket and someone chops off his head. A girl with big, fake, inked boobs is a nurse so she gets naked, jumps in the lake and gets drowned. This girl who really wants some dope just turns up in a shed, killed. Same with this lady who gets hanged – just dead one minute. There’s also a bumbling fool in a wheelchair out at a camp by a lake with no cement sidewalks, a couple of guys in wigs and two fancy, highly waxed muscle cars that don’t get driven.

I’m really not sure who the folks acting in this thing were – not that I would know anyone because no one tells me anything but I didn’t really get the feeling any of them were classically trained or had a long and rich history of working with acclaimed and award winning directors and production companies. Now – to be sure – this does have Felissa Rose in there who probably demanded x chunk of the budget (I guess) and while I haven’t really kept up with her career for the most part, I’m sure we all know and recognize her from her first big adventure in film –

This thing is also two hours long which seemed like WAY too much but… I liked it, I guess. I don’t know, like maybe if you were to go play poker with the guys and lose all of your hard earned money but I guess hey you got out and had a decent time anyway kind of liking something. There was a part right in the middle of this thing that I really liked but it went by so fast… a slow motion chase scene but then it was follow up by something kind of lame so… I still don’t get what’s up with the guy’s wig – and I think I’ve seen if before. Let’s see if the google gods can shine on me here:

I think the guy who REALLY liked to party in the first Cabin Fever was wearing it:

I know Mick Mars wore a version of it for a number of years:

And honestly, I just spent WAY TOO MUCH time trying to find a hi-res picture of Mars – like way too much when I could have totally been doing something else. Enjoying the sunshine maybe. Thinking in another language. Wondering where and how I could introduce a character named Boob into my posts. That sort of thing.

This movie was not very good really and probably won’t appeal to many people due to what seems to be a really low budget or a group maybe full of first time on screen acting. I was confused how this was set in the 80s and yet everyone had sleeves of tattoos, thigh tats, big fake boob tats and someone had a computer monitor. It also might be too long – I swear every time I paused it to pee or dook or sleep or go somewhere, there was always 40 minutes left. But hey you know um maybe what’s up hey there so anyway it has its moments I guess. I’ve never done any better…

Boob Johnson says: HEY IT’S STILL BETTER THAN THE TIME I GOT MY ENTIRE BACK TATTOOED WITH THE JOKER.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We have no affiliation with anyone named Boob Johnson or any likeness he or she may or may not have lifted from the internet and tattooed himself with. Or herself.