Have you ever seen a movie that you liked? I’ll pause while you think about that for a good minute. It’s an important question. I mean, have you? I’ll come back.

*one week or so later*

Yes, you say? Great! Was it ———— THIS ONE????

Somewhere in this cemetery is a gravestone reading something like “Molly (something): BORN 1965 DIED: 1783″ or something stupid like that:

*nods at your disapproval *

Right, probably not. Was it ——— THISSSSSS ONE????

No?

Or –

How about –

or even –

Well, I didn’t like any of those either, really. You can put lipstick on a pile of shit but it’s still a pile of shit. I’m looking at you Molly!! And the ghost!!

But I had fun watching Scream Bloody Murder. It’s bad, but fun. How bad is it? Um – there’s three things that I don’t eat – The Three Bs: Balls, Brains and Buttholes. Is it as bad as eating one of those? No not at all. Is it as bad as the movie called Gut? No. Is it great? Not really but fun nonetheless. Let’s see what we’ve got with some homemade screen grabs.

This movie (mostly) revolves around seven chicks.

The Slut:

The non slut or Unslut:

The mousy Virgin, Neverslut:

The Slut that does it with everybody – but YOU:

The Imgonnawhipyoursorryassrightherebitchjusttrymemotherfuckerslut:

The Yettobesluttedslut:

And of course, the sexually repressed, poor old Mrs. Beaver (yep)

So these girls all get dressed together and call each other bitches and sluts and talk about cocks and then put on their tiny uniforms to head out to a big dance with Mrs. Beaver as the chaperon and the local dumbass named Beaumont who has a cast on one foot and hops around with a crutch. Knowing him and the way most people think Midwesterners are, the backstory behind this character must have included him walking around and picking his itchy butthole, stepping on a rake, hitting himself in the head and backing into a pile of fire ants which somehow lead to a foot full of MRSA but he’s got a good heart even though his head is full of shit for brains that he tries to remedy by constantly shoving his finger up his nose.

Anyway, on down the highway to the cotillion or whatever, as fate always has it, the van breaks down in the middle of nowhere and despite offering up some Hot N Fresh bosoms, they can’t flag anyone down until, luckily, a redneck, toothless imbecile comes driving up in a tow truck, wearing a hockey mask, because he was on his way to hockey practice. Do we need character motivation for this guy?

As these things go, and just like in normal everyday life, before too long people are getting killed all over the junkyard by an off screen killer. Flattened by one of those car smasher machines, filled with air from an air compressor, a forklift up the butt… you know hot it goes, especially if you’ve ever been to an auto salvage business. Further and naturally, soon enough people are peeing together to stay safe, eating old shish kabobs out of the trash, drinking ketchup and even burning their shirts to stay warm in the middle of the California desert. Hoo-ahh! But strangely, no nudity if you’re looking to give this a shot and nudity bothers you.

Later, Mrs. Beaver and The Slut that does it with everybody – but YOU: decide to Make It in the back of a station wagon for no logical reason and just as Mrs. Beaver is about to – well you know – she screams “I’m about to explode!!!” and:

KABLOOEY!! Love it!

After the explosion, the Neverslut is sitting in the front seat of a truck and Mrs. Beaver and the The Slut that does it with everybody – but YOU‘s panties plop on the ground in front of her and then catch on fire. That part actually made me LOL. And reminded me of this time in high school when – wait – nothing like this has ever happened to me in my life ever. I think the most risque and somewhat exciting thing that ever randomly happened to me involving something like that was when my friend and i went to this bar downtown and back in the back the band Jackyl was having some sort of parking lot concert so we went back there and it was decent so i went to the outside bar and got a couple of beers so i wouldn’t have to go back real soon and i was edging my way into the crowd and this attractive female must’ve thought I got one of those beers for her because she took it and then got on my shoulders and rocked and rolled to the band and I was a lot younger so I could hang out there with someone on my shoulders and stay up late so we all closed down the concert and the bar and then she and me and AHEM and AHEM and then in the car AHEM! and then somehow back at my apartment AHEM! and WHAT that never happens AHEM and hail Mary HAHA KABLOOEY ALL RIGHT!! WHAT??? HAHAH!

But back to the show here – one of the other things that made me LOL and enjoy this so much is that once the killer is identified and we have the big showdown, the one girl does a Scooby Doo and pulls the rubber mask off of her face and she’s actually…

……….. THE HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL!!

“Why are you doing this Principal Burden??!” someone screams.

“Because you were getting too close!” Recounts Principal Burden.

“TOO CLOSE TO WHAT??” She pleads.

“THE ENIGMA MACHINE!!” He explains, his life fading before us.

“WHAT???”

“The most powerful weapon in the universe!”

“Uh bro, we weren’t looking for that.”

“You weren’t??”

“UH UH”

“Oh” *dies*

That last line is how I figure all of my posts end. “We’ll I watched this movie and [goes off topic] I didn’t really like it much [dies]”. But this one I did – for real. I know it’s not the best but this is one of those things I wish I could have been a part of. Like “hey man, you’re the shish kabob guy. It doesn’t pay anything but you get your name in the credits.” I’d go buy the fuck out of two kabobs, just give me a chance!

*dies*

FILED UNDER: OMFG MRS BEAVER JUST EXPLODED!!

MOLLY AND THE GHOST FILED UNDER: THE BOOBS THAT TIME FORGOT

IN MEMORIUM FILED UNDER: THE MOST BORING THING IVE EVER SEEN

GATOR BAIT FILED UNDER: SWAMP BOOBS AND SCREAMING CAJUNS

TH3 H8FUL 8 FILED UNDER: ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF TARANTINO??

ETERNALS FILED UNDER: THATS BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT

JACKYL (AS A BAND) FILED UNDER: OH SHEESH COME ON GUYS

JACKYL THE CONCERT FILED UNDER: DIRTY MAGAZINE LETTERS TO THE EDITOR ARE TRUE THEY’RE TRUE!!!! *dies*