This came out 20 years ago?? *dies* Jeez. What were you doing 20 years ago? We had just bought our house. I was starting a new career that I’m no longer in – the unbelievably exciting work of telephone numbers. My first cat was still with me. I smoked. I put blond highlights in my hair. No iPads. The big TV was a 45 incher (I think) – it had a picture tube and weighed about 200 pounds. My grandma was still alive. I started digging that hole for the apocalypse bunker, by hand, in my backyard – haha I was so young. I got about 300 or so feet down when I tapped into the oil company’s drill pipes and flooded the pit with crude. I had to call them to come tap the line and that pissed them off like nothing else and they tried to sue me so I set fire to the whole thing and accidentally blew up half of my city. Jesus Christ what a pain. Half the time you go outside and everything still stinks like burning oil. That last part isn’t exactly true but still – 20 years? I really loved this when it came out but I could never find it in HD until recently so I got all excited and watched it again and –

I thought most of it was kind of well – not so great, really. Maybe it’s just that this thing was pretty novel and fun a long time ago and now we’ve gotten used to this kind of behavior, or maybe the special effects just didn’t work in HD or maybe I’m just stupid and forgot what good movies are like but this one didn’t really work for me this time around. For example – the first or second time around I REALLY liked the cop or constable or whatever position he had – i thought he was funny when he went around saying things like “when i was a kid we minded our parents we didn’t fuckin’ eat em!!!” but now i realize that his constant shouting was really just kind of irritating and i kind of wished he’d shut up most of the time.

Also – and (again) maybe we’ve just all got used to it – but back in ‘03 when we were still liking The Matrix, they stuck some shots in here of our mysterious hillbilly male lead tossing two guns up above him, jumping in the air, doing a backward slo-mo somersault and landing, catching the guns and then firing away again with a never empty chamber of bullets. This happens a couple of times or more and – maybe I thought it was wicked-ass-wicked a long time ago but I caught on to the stunt-ness of it this time and, well, I didn’t love it. Also, and maybe I’ve just missed it but, I still don’t get why he was so athletic and willing to perform these aerial dynamics when he seemed just like some regular guy in overalls who just liked to fish and talk about being prepared for something or other. And at one point he got naked and walked around, I suppose because he wasn’t wearing any drawers under those overalls. We used to call that Freeballing.

As it goes, some meteors or asteroids or whatever hit in this small town in Australia and everyone either dies from some shit in the air or something I never really understood but soon enough everyone is a zombie, screaming and growling and impregnating everyone else with undead zombie seed and harassing some people and grasshoppers in an old farmhouse. Tons and tons of shooting and overall clothed acrobatics ensue for quite some time. Then they’re in a bunker, then they’re not, then they’re in a truck, then they’re in a store, then someone’s on a plane and some aliens come around cleansing humans and insects from whatever it was those goddammed asteroids or meteors spread all over everything like Horus when he put the sperm on the lettuce like your brother at the family reunion like prince charles and the Irish like NAME REDACTED and her legendary VD like Lyndon Johnson like wilt chamberlain like Canadians like assholes.

In the end, this thing was boring and so is this piece I’ve been writing so let’s go out with some DIGNITY and PANACHE! Tonight I’m offering up a bowl full of French Onion Soup to get your whistle wet – followed up with Filet covered in Sauce Robert! Whoo! How fucking fancy! How classy! When your done with that I’ll pour you a Digestive and we’ll all retire to smoke the finest opium this side of town has to offer. I’m really not sure about the opium business where I live since I’ve mostly just usually been a beer guy but hopefully it doesn’t give you the shits or – bum bum bum da dum – I learned a new word the other day – bum bum – I hope you aren’t stricken with a case of effluvium.

My first banner thingie:

Film Miasma Fun Fact^TM – the first time I ever heard (or most likely read) the word “miasma” it referred to some sort of horrible smell such as “god damn the miasma coming from that shit bucket is enough to make me want to kill myself if I stay on this boat any longer “. Or, in the case of my new but now a few years old blog “god damn whoever is writing this shit is leaving nothing but a strong miasma here in this space of his. Like really god damn this is some bad shit and I’ll bet it’ll smell in here for days if not weeks and this might make me harm myself anyway. Fuck.” If I had known the word effluvium then – well – you get it, Film Effluvium. A sour smelling discharge is probably a better way to describe my writing than just some stink. And there’s some Film Miasma Panache^TM!

I think this lady has the right idea.

FILED UNDER: THIS ISN’T AS GREAT AS I REMEMBER IT BEING BUT I KNOW THEY TRIED AND THE MAIN LADY IN THE LEAD REMINDED ME OF TEGAN JOVANKA SO I KIND OF LOVED HER ANYWAY BECAUSE I STILL HAVE THE HOTS FOR TEGAN AFTER 40 YEARS

On a side note – if there’s any one thing I’ve ever been proud of on my blog, it’s a crime board I made a year or so ago during my Slumber Party Massacre movie-thon. It’s been a while since I posted those things but, here’s the finished product. Let me know if you want me to make you one of these for your study or bedroom wall. I guess it might even look good where you eat dinner. Now accepting most major forms of currency and traveler’s checks.