I want to just say this right now that I thought this movie was good fun and I liked it. I wish that they had left out the last four or five minutes but hey, it’s their script and not mine so *shrugs* Now – where do we go from here? Actually, I need to go pee and take some trash out. And get a beer. Let me think about this one for a few minutes.

OK – I’m going to post some picture stills from this movie and see if we can have fun. Will we get to the bottom of this thing or will this be useless shit like the majority of my writing? Will there be a cash prize at the end or the big Booby Prize? Will the clock above this paragraph irritate us all to no end or will we be hypnotized and realize that everything that came before the end of this post was just a crazy dream filled with sleep paralysis? Let’s see.

An attractive lady with a large tattoo on her left thigh sits on some sort of wooden construction, with something smoking in her hand, a drink near her right foot. Is she:

A) Sitting nervously, wondering just how fucking long it’s going to be until the wolf spiders start descending from that goddammed pine tree next to her. “Those spiders are the good kind!” Screams the co-director into his megaphone. They really won’t hurt you!” “The only good spider is a dead fucking spider!!” she screams back, retaining her poise, preparing to shimmy her shoe off and kill any sort of insect or insect like organism that comes near her. “Choose a god you think is fair,” she mutters, winking at the nest in the branches above her.

B) Reveling in her character who says she just wants to smoke some weed and drink whiskey (rye or ‘sippin’ we don’t know) when she secretly wants to steal the engaged woman away from her bitch of a fiancé and sweep her off to parts unknown where they can fondle and rub on each other. Maybe even in a few scenes from right now if the script still calls for it.

C) Enjoyably contemplating the Telecommunications Act of 1934 after seeing the suspended cables behind her which transmit both electricity and analog telephone services. “God damn that was some foresight,” she grins nostalgically, rubbing her forearm with affection.

D) Being a professional actress, offhandedly and politely rubbing the fire ants off of her skin, not wanting to waste everyone’s time and ruin the shot. After several grueling minutes of shooting other characters she breaks and yells “FUCK! These things are getting in my shorts! Does this fucking cabin even have a shower I can wash my crotch in??!”

A shadowy figure dressed as a bride emerges from the light, into darkness. Is it a PORTENT OF HER OWN DOOM?????!! Or is it:

3) A clear homage to Prince of Darkness but, instead of physics, quantum whatnots and The God Plutonium, the filmmakers are subtly trying to teach us about The Rapture / Shift and how we can hope to be Translated by emphasizing those millenia old scriptures warning “never shit yourself in a house of worship, especially you, you fucking Greeks.”

2) A cinematic rendering of the time you lost your virginity, male or female. If heterosexual male: the night she slinked into your room through the window, brandishing pruning shears with which she disrobed your hips and crotch before delicately stuffing her gardening gloves in your mouth and anus, ensuring you couldn’t cry out as she straddled you and rode you hard, real tucking hard screaming “who’s your mommy???! WHO IS YOUR MOMMY!!!??”. If heterosexual female: see above but maybe you’re the one with the gloves.

1) In one of those classics Three’s Company misunderstandings, the DP was reading the next day’s Punch List while enjoying a pitcher of gin rickeys when he mistakenly typed the wrong name on his cell phone to the Lighting Guild guy. After a late start the next day, the really fucking hungover DP shows up to the shoot expecting an interior sequence containing “background effects consistent with the emergence of a baby from a vagina. You know, cradle to grave shit. Get this LOL Jamie Lynn sigler is here I wonder if she wants to ball lolol im loaded”. Sadly, he fat fingered something about Jamie Lee Curtis and the crew is geared up to recreate the poster for Prom Night 1980.

0) (loosely recreated) A nightmare by a bride to be who dreams her future husband will stab her in the stomach at the altar, ending her life, lying bleeding on the dirty floor in a pool of her cooling blood. She tells her psychiatrist this, a former adult film star, who says something like “look bitch, it means you hate your fiancé, write down a list of your grievances and leave the mother fucker.” As her patient leaves, one of those cartoon strip brain balloons pops up above her head as she thinks, “I’ll get my sons laid even if I have to kill every fucking one of them.” And adds, aloud, “HAHAHAHAHAH MOOOOHAAWWWWW HAHAHAHA WHHEEEEE HAHHAHA FUCK!!!”

A man sits on a couch, a woman in a business vest looking – wait a fucking second. This guy who I’ve never met in my life looks EXACTLY like one of my good friends who I call The Old Testament. I call him that because of his tit-length white and yellow beard and his unruly hair – like he’s pissed at everyone and angry and ready to wrestle one of those old timey mean angels or maybe a horse because he’s 800 years old and still pissed as fuck. I know a lot of people wear their hair and face pubes like this but this guy also looks just like him. What the fuck?? Anyway, in this scene:

0) A man who resembles The Old Testament sits on a couch lamenting his ability to meet or hook up with women. The woman in the seat across from him tells him something like “nut up you twat” and dismisses him. He later turns up in another role which is confusing and then they (I think) try some of that timey wimey shit and he’s wearing a mask like that guy in Ms 45. And he kills s bunch of people.

2) The Old Testament clone sits on a couch crying about how he can’t meet women. “I just want to boil my cabbage!!” He wails. “Wait, huh?” asks the psychologist lady. “You know,” he stands, using both hands to make a V around his weenus area. “Boil my cabbage. Goulash my macaroni.” He starts to gyrate. “put my peaches in a pantry full of preserves.” “Oh god damn,” whispers the lady, rubbing her forehead between her eyes. “Oh god damn.”

4) A woman sits alone in her high rise apartment, reading a book when a bird flies through one of the fenestrations of her building. “JESUS CHRIST!!” She shrieks, adding, “that fucking Film Miasma has used the word defenestration on this blog a few times like an asshole but never knew that fenestration was actually a goddammed word used in shit.” Before she can really process this, the filthy, untamed bird turns into a heavily bearded man. “I am Uriel, the angel of knowledge and wisdom,” he says, spreading out his hands in peace. “Fenestration is defined as the arrangement of windows and doors on the elevation of a building. Basically an opening is ‘fenestrate’.” Amazed, she utters, “wow this film miasma guy is really fucking great.”

8) A two person, building cleaning crew are preparing to play a game of Grab-Ass. A few minutes before this their supervisor had left the site and screamed “I’m going to lunch and while I’m gone I don’t want anyone around here PLAYING GRAB-ASS!”. The male of the two first unbuckles his shoes and removes his chastity garment, including the Modesty Panel. The woman then stands on the coffee table, kicking plate ware and magazines all over the floor of this particular room they’re supposed to be vacuuming. “For the poor and the diseased!!” He screams, hanging from a rafter, pissing all over the place. “To the anguished!!” she laughs, opening a (ahem) fenestration and dumping the contents of the wastebasket out the window. “May you never experience misery or pain !” Then they meet in the middle of the room and run strawberry cheesecake over and into each other’s nude backsides. Smiling, God approves.

A woman stands, alone, staring into the woods, her navel and buttocks semi exposed. What is happening here?

Z) She is pleading to all of the gods of the forest and nature that this post starts to wind down. “Dear Earth Mother, please let it stop. This is too much, even for this blog. No one deserves this. No one.”

A) She’s been at her new job for almost a year now and really needs to take next Thursday off for a routine doctor’s appointment. She tried emailing her direct supervisor and even sending her a direct message but no response. Now she’s gone up to the 4th floor to ask directly. The reader might think it’s an office job with the talk about emails and instant messages but you can see by the way she’s dressed that it’s more of a gentleman’s club environment. Not as seedy or pervy as, say, The Red Dog Saloon or even Frankie’s over there off South Shields Boulevard or any of those joints in Valleybrook but more like one of those haircut places where a chick will cut your hair and be flirty and bring you a beer and even rub your neck after it’s over. And you can watch football. That kind of place. But most importantly she just needs to go get the results of her kidney ultrasound.

B) Two people have been dispatched into the woods to find the missing bride. The male of the two is loudly horny and wants to videotape (videotape!) him fulfilling his hormones with his companion. She resists but continually bends over in front of him, exposing most of her buttocks and whatever else you can imagine. “I want to sex you!” He wails. “No! My glands aren’t secreting for you!” She argues , confusing everyone here before she explains that if she hides in the trees she’ll be ready to rub organs together and runs off. Unfortunately for both of them, as soon as she signals for him to arouse her, she is killed by an unknown assassin. “Oh for crying out loud!” whines his deflating penis.

C) She’s staying at a Holiday Inn in New Jersey and she’s looking for the shitter.

Jeez that was a long one. Probably too long but maybe we had fun? But I did like this thing. I liked the eye acting some of the actresses did (or the way the editor clipped up the scenes). About halfway through there’s a long slow motion sequence that really worked for me because you can almost always hook me with long slow motion sequences. There’s a scene in there where some guts fall out of a stomach – what can I say? There are also some negatives here so this will probably just depend on your mood that day.

Also, we’re you able to answer the very mature consolation puzzle?

FILED UNDER: SLASHERS, CHICKS, FIRE ANTS, CROTCHES and THE TELECOMMUNICATIONS ACT OF 1934