Nicole Kidman: her porcelain flesh, her stunning red hair and her consistently misbehaving accent take long, dramatic walks through the barren streets of New York, contemplating her troubled life of wealth, cucumber sandwiches and comely women comprising the Parent Association of her kid’s school. “Woe is my life…” she must think, her brows furrowing and skirts wafting in the aromatic, stinking smell of dead fish blowing off of the Atlantic Coast. “Why must my husband mount me from behind so often…? Why are my father’s eyebrows so fucking long? Where can I get a decent cup of clam chowder that doesn’t have a foreigner’s pubic hair in it?” Alas, all of these deep questions go abruptly and sadly unanswered when the lady with the big, milky white tits shows up to the parent meeting. Literally. Nursing her kid straight off the nipple. Suckle suckle suckle, slurp slurp, wah wah wah.

“Suck, suck, suck” says the baby as the mom stares blankly at Kidman’s face.

“If only I had a set of those,” one of the moms remarks, sipping her 20 dollar cup of tea that the author assumes did not come with a BJ or something nice.

“Mine haven’t looked like that since my daughter worked my teats clean off,” laments another, right in front of the nursing Hispanic’s disapproving face.

“MANGOS, TWO FOR A BUCK!!” Someone ejaculates states excitedly.

“I hope Sophie Grabol is in this show.” Someone else thinks.

“Suck, suck, suck,” repeats the baby, wondering if its mom’s character is going to show Nicole Kidman’s character her glistening, naked body and then kiss her on the lips.

Which she does ~ “You’re welcome,” acknowledges HBO.

Then, later on, the mom gets her brains beaten out with a hammer – so –> thus endeth the suckling, kissing and exposed mangos.

End: Episode 1

Epilogue not show on HBO: “It’s Sofie Gråbøl you moron.” Someone corrects someone else.

The next four episodes are spent raising and not at all answering, the following questions as we lead up to the nicely wrapped, Euclidean Conclusion:

Who exactly killed the broad with the milky boobs?

Was it Hugh Grant’s character or maybe even Grant himself? Most of us know by now that he (and his character here) has had his English Penis is at least 1% of the UK and American populations.

Was it Kidman’s character, fulfilling her urge to commit brutal murder during her long and lonely, wistful walks?

Was it their fucking kid who turns up with the murder weapon at some point along the way?

Was it Milky Boob’s jealous husband who hides blistering rage and contempt behind his soulful, sad eyes?

Was it THEIR kid (not the baby) – the boy who just happens to be playing Hooky the day she is found dead?

Was it the dad?? The dad with his wealthy apartment on the river and his wealthy piano and his wealthy maid and his wealthy scarves and his wealthy oil paintings and his wealthy eyebrows??

Or was it the hot blonde lawyer friend who happens to look suspiciously like a young and smokin’ Annette O’toole??

We’ll never know unless we tune in to Episode Six!

Or:

Ready?

After five or so hours of program watchin’ and what must have been a few weeks of prison fighting, finger biting, police interrogations, awkward flirting, abnormal eyebrows, threatening speeches involving the word cocksucker (for some bizarre reason, grossly pronounced “COOK-SOCK-ER”), more scarves, violins, Skype sessions and, you got it, long and forlorn walks amid the sidewalks of New York – guess what? The dad (Hugh Grant) did it.

He was just lying the whole goddammed time. He lied about this and that and then that and then some shit from his childhood and his job and his affairs and then some more of this shit and then that too. After some good and fairly compelling television, that was a huge letdown. Then, to top it all off, he steals off with his kid, almost involves them both in two not super believable high speed vehicle disasters all while the police allow two civilians (one a geriatric and the other the victim’s mother) to fly along in a helicopter chase up the highway.

I don’t know about how all of that turned out – maybe that was The Big Undoing they talked about in the title…

FILED UNDER: AT LEAST THEY TRIED

P.S. Sophie Grabol did, in fact, turn up in this – maybe we should talk about Fortitude sometime.