oh god damn how I hate this movie. I can’t stress how much I hate the pretentiousness this movie oozes. I hate the colors, I hate the constant staring. I hate the acting, I hate the score, I hate the costumes and I hate that a ton of people love this (or did at least when it came out). I hate the karaoke musical numbers, I hate the setting, I hate Gosling in this and I hate the fucking symbolism. I hate that I never had any desire to see Drive but I did and I loved it and then Marketing put out ads for this and made it look like Drive 2 and this was just a bunch of arty fucking bullshit but all of my movie writin’ friends at the time said they loved it only because it was from the guy who did Drive and they probably felt they couldn’t say anything else and this movie fucking burned me so bad that if I could commit murder on a movie this would be one of the first one on my fucking list. Eat a dong, movie. Here’s an artist’s rendering of me watching this thing:

Old Testament this Old Testament that, I get it. When I was a kid my parents split up; my mom went off to Disco and I got to watch movies like Halloween and nice summer Drive-In movies like, you know, The Teacher (coming soon to Film Miasma!). Over at my Dad’s I only got to watch educational things on PBS (that’s commercial free TV here in the States) like Doctor Who, How to do Math Correctly, Don’t Do Your Chores Wrong Or You’ll Get Spanked With a Board and Grounded and then at night I got to go to bed and do exciting things like read The Bible. The Old Testament version with the angry god who hated you. He hated what you ate and who you talked to and, most importantly, who you had sex with. I think what scared me the most was that: If a Man Lay With Another Man’s Daughter Without His Permission, that Man could get Killed with Stones or the Daughter’s Father Could Go Ahead and Lay With the First Man – in his butt. Here’s another five star imagining of me from this movie delving further into the important topics addressed today:

Let’s recap:

Mother: Child, you must grow up and live like I do. Now, go mind your own business, don’t bother me and listen to some Alan Parsons, it’s the only record I have.
Me: OK. Can I also read these comics grandpa got me?
Mother: As long as you don’t bother me. Or any adults for that matter. And mind your own business.

Elsewhere:

Father: Have you done all of your work, minding your own business and not affecting the affairs of adults?
Me: I did. I pulled all of the weeds and picked up all of the dog shit and cleaned all of the spark plugs and and then cleaned all of the ratchets and then edged the yards and then started weather priming the fences.
Father: That’s a good seven year old child. Did you bother any adults with your day dreaming or talk of Doctor Who aliens?
Me: No
Father: You have obeyed well. You are now free to sit in your own bed and read the Bible until I yell at you from downstairs to turn off the lights and sleep. You must rest before you perform more work.
Me: May I listen to this record album?
Father: Do you want to be grounded and / or spanked with the Be Good Paddle?
Me: No.
Father: Off to bed, son.

Later, via The Bible:

God: A Good and Strong Man may only lay with a Woman if He hath Her Father’s Permission.
Me: OK. (I wonder what Sarah Jane Smith is up to this weekend? She sure is pretty.)¹
God: A Man who Doth not Pay Attention to My Words will be Beaten with Stones or have another Man’s Rod in His Flesh.
Me: What?? It’s Sarah Ja-
God: Rod in Ass.
Me: That seems kind o-
God: Rod. Ass.
Me: OK.
God: Sleep well, My Child.

(I guess that’s not verbatim)

Oh? This movie? Have you not seen it? SPOILERS AHEAD: Ryan Gosling’s character’s brother comes to visit him in Asia then turns around and gets his rocks off with some minor and kills her (I think that’s a term they used in the movie). The father of the dead girl has the brother killed and then gets his hands chopped off by this karaoke singing policeman who demands justice and for everything to weigh equally on God’s Scales (or something). Ryan Gosling’s character’s Mom comes to visit them in Asia, talks about Ryan Gosling’s character’s brother’s “Enormous and Mighty Cock” for a few minutes and then demands Ryan Gosling’s character mete out Justice for his dead brother, possibly so everything can weigh equally on God’s Scales (or something). Ryan Gosling’s character challenges the karaoke singing policeman to a fistfight, gets his ass kicked, wears prosthetic make-up for the next two hours and gets his own fucking hands lopped off, so I reckon now everything is weighing equally on God’s Scales (or something).

This is the type of movie that I fucking hate.

Filed under: WORSE THAN THE DRAFT BEER SHITS