camp massacre (a.k.a fat chance) (2014)

I’m not totally sure what there is to say about this thing. The premise? A bunch of obese men are in a reality TV contest to see who can lose the most weight and win 1 million dollars. As they barely try to compete, some guy eats some shit, another guy fantasizes about a shirtless woman eating a candy bar (or was it a corn on the cob, I forget), the host fucks an intern while he eats pizza with one hand and does emails on his PDA with the other and someone commits what cannot be committed -> murder. Make no mistake, the acting in this is pitiful (by intention, I believe), the killer is someone wearing a fried chicken bucket on his head and you have to look at a bunch of 500 pound men walk around with their bellies flubbering around everywhere, but, by the time it was over, it had an innocent charm to it and I kind of liked it. I don’t think I am going to hurry out and watch it ever again but, I think this could be good fun for beer and shots night or (most definitely weed). As in – the movie is in NO WAY good but – provided the right atmosphere, this could be something you and your buddies watch, have a good time at its expense and remember the evening as a pleasant experience. An example: you wake the next day and don’t remember where you are and you fumble into the kitchen where your friends are drinking coffee and you’re all “wow I feel like shit” and your friend says “you look it, asshole” and you say “did we watch a movie where a guy accidentally ate some shit last night???” and you all have a fucking laugh. Or a better example: how you might feel after spending an evening in the company of me.

Again, this thing starts off with a bunch of Fat Men at Fat Camp, doing Fat Stretches and showcasing their Fat Scrotums. Oh wait, no it doesn’t. In something 100% unrelated to the rest of the movie, that blond girl above (whose credit is *ahem* Human Centipede 3) is on some island with her sisters or friends and one of them wants to go get jungle fucked by some random stranger. “Sounds good” she argues then takes off all of her clothes and hops in the shower showcasing her soapy boobs and bald cooter. “Her lack of pubic hair is alarming” remark people that were born before the 90s and still like pubic hair. After a couple of minutes of her giving herself a thorough and solid washing, she gets stabbed all over the place and meets her demise. “There goes a perfectly good bar of soap,” lament people who were raised in the 1930s and appreciate the use of a good bar of soap until it’s small enough to actually stick under your fingernails forever and be of absolutely no use, mons pubis or not.

“The mons pubis is a tissue mound made up of fat located directly anterior to the pubic bones. This mound of tissue is prominent in females and is usually covered in pubic hair. The mons pubis functions as a source of cushioning during sexual intercourse.” Says your grandpa.

Over the next hour and a half, nothing super spectacular happens except for some men get killed, someone calls someone “Shitmouth” and the chick above talks about how she loves giving head. That bar scene is pretty classic in my opinion but you’ll have to bear with a bunch of nothing to get that far. I can’t find many pictures of this movie and my searches for “Camp Massacre 2014” are returning a bunch of nasty images of war crimes, but I’m really trying. At some point a chick has taken one of these monstrous men home and intends to fuck him like an animal. “I don’t think I can do you tonight,” says giant man. “I don’t think my heart can take it.” “That’s OK,’ says Fat Guy Fucker, “I’ve got……..” (pulls item out of her purse) “A DEFIB!!!” “I fucking love you,” says Fat Guy and they start to Do It.  Earlier I said that, at the end of this, you might feel that this thing has an innocent charm and here’s an example – while she is doing him, first she makes him eat a turkey leg and then she is supposedly having The Sex with him but it’s PAINFULLY obvious that she’s wearing underwear while grinding on him. Then, when it’s over, she dismounts him and she’s buck naked. Accident? Intentional? I think – in this movie, the guys who made it were probably like – who fucking cares?

There’s not much else notable about this. Being the guy that I am, I went and found this trailer on youtube and made a couple of screen shots for you. My favorite part of this movie had to be from the lady on the left in that still. She plays the die hard, innocent, soft spoken nurse who can’t do much – but – SHE’S GOT HER NURSE’S BOOK! I don’t know why that sticks out for me so much but her character and her book – I really liked. “Never count a good nurse for dead if she’s got her nurse’s book!!” She says.

Again, this isn’t at all a good movie – but it has its charm and here’s a still of the turkey leg scene. If you’re really in the mood, you can find this online and see some high quality skin rolls in 720p! . What can I say? I didn’t hate it but this is coming from the guy who didn’t like (insert Award Winning movie title here).


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