First off I would like to put on the record that the ‘featured image’ for this theme is a landscape picture I found out there involved with this movie and I threw my own title on it – so that’s not their font or log line. Second, since the posters I could find to go with my post all look like that ‘featured image’ I blatantly used for my theme, I saw this one above and, honestly, I don’t know if it has anything to do with this movie at all. Third – I always give bad movies a pass because blah, blah, blah and I appreciate them and they did it and blah, blah, blahblahblah fucking blah and at least they tried and all of that shit but – here….. oof. It usually takes a LOT for me to just not like something at all but here I would have to meekly raise my hand and just admit that this one just didn’t do anything for me at all except to make me wonder why I decided to commit to it in the first place. Maybe I thought some of the footage of that house in the woods during the trailer looked creepy? I can’t seem to scare up what memory that might have been but I sure didn’t like this one and I’m probably going to file this one in that “Worse Than the Draft Beer Shits” drawer.
We know the routine now, right? Camera crew, ghost hunters, dumb fucking locals, isolated location, asshole characters you just want to take The Hurtin’ Stick to. Shit that makes no fucking sense, some more shit that makes no fucking sense and speaking of shits, since this is going in the Worse Than the Draft Beer Shits file, since all that shit makes no sense, maybe it’s time to put on your Wipin’ Clothes and go take care of things. “I didn’t even care for thith at all,” admits Shitboy.
I would say things were going ok and then one of the characters turns up dead, hangin’ in a tree – but things weren’t. The video sucks, the noise sucks, the characters suck. I guess I kinda did like the main girl but I don’t know. So things weren’t really going so well and then this one girl is dead and they all crap and run off and then – as you might have suspected – her dead body just shows up unexpectedly here and there when you least expect it. You know, to trip over or spook you for no reason. And then there IS a creepy house out in the woods (I don’t know if the production Set Folks just did a good job or they found it like that but it was really — ick) and the sequence there seems like it might be going ok but suddenly there’s just some dude with a rifle inside who must have been living out there with the mosquitoes and alligators, eating his own shit for years and years but he’s loaded and ready to kill. SPOILER: but then he kills himself. I guess they just picked the perfect time to do some breaking and entering against this armed hermit. I wonder what he smelled like? Probably like the draft beer shits after a night at the bowling alley. Oh, there he is:
Anyway, I’m sorry, Team but I can’t really find anything positive to say about this one. If I wanted to say that I liked the lead I would have to counter weigh that on the scales of justice with: I didn’t like anyone else at all. If I wanted to give a good job to the creepy house and what was inside, the OCD in me wonders how they got away with showing all of those licensed / branded snacks in the convenience store. When I was working on my screenplay, I had this big idea to use a song from Clutch in a montage and JESUS CHRIST just getting to someone who would even talk to me about it was a FUCKING NIGHTMARE and then they were going to make me go through Sony (I think) so I just said fuck that. It is what it is I suppose but back to this – OOF. This is probably one of the worst things I’ve seen in a long time.
I guess, just for perspective, the other day I was finishing something up and Mrs Film Miasma came in. The short conversation went something like this:
MRS Film Miasma: Is that Kevin James?
MR Film Miasma: Yep.
MRS: Is this a horror movie?
MR: It is.
MRS: Is it any good?
MR: It is not.
MR: It isn’t. This really sucks. The King of Queens horror movie really sucks shit.
MRS: Wow. That takes a lot coming from you.
MR: Thank you, you are very sweet but this eats it.
I mean – I even liked this:
But Grady Farm and I just didn’t see eye to eye on this one. Maybe not even stinkeye to stinkeye.
Filed under: WORSE THAN THE DRAFT BEER SHITS