I think it’s prudent for me to start this one off with a zoom in from the Majestic Crime Board because, while I am a completist – this one about about broke my balls….:

This movie is something else. If we thought the acting was bad in the first five of these, HOLY SHIT– it’s PITIFUL here. There are inconsistencies throughout the entire thing, the music fucking is terrible, I hated the lead lady and wanted to fist fight the lead killer guy. Further, the hairstyles and fashions truly were god-awful , was it really that bad in 1990? That’s the year I graduated high school, I thought we were pretty cool… no? Oh well. What we have here today is a beach and a slumber party, five chicks in Guess jeans and large hair, three dudes (the tough, the geek and the black), a creepy snake eyed punk / goth, a jock and the token insane neighbor. Also included are the pizza girl and the two street weary cops who think the phone calls to the station are pranks. HAHA! YAY! Is this The Jerky Boys? A great set up, right? Wrong. There really isn’t much good happening here. I mean, I guess I have fond memories of beaches.

One thing I might be able to correlate – did anyone read my last post? Did anyone take note of the one actress’ disgustingly dirty feet? Are we seeing some sort of hint-at throwback to the good old days of unwashed feet in that poster above? Or is that just some pitiful camera angle making the inside of the bottom of her foot look like some sort of used hotel ashtray? I’m thinking the latter or it’s just a terrible piece of design by someone who had access to an old piece of plastic from the Santa Monica Pier Bungalow 2, where most of this was likely filmed, edited and scored.

Beep beep go your bicycle horns. Tweet tweet tweet go the pigeons. “AY YAY YAY!! MAMA!!!” Says Jack Tripper ogling some poor lady laying out on the sand.

The beach party is fucking lame, but gets us introduced to all of the key players, in their one and two piece bathing suits, muscle shirts, the peeping guy who stares at them wearing his black outfit and, out of the blue, a prep who shows on a beach towel (sporting his Oxford and Khakis for good measure) who happens to to be horny on one of the teenage girls and gets an invite over for, maybe, some 90s style Balling. Soon enough we are at the house, the creepy neighbor is doing time in his masturbation closet introduced, the party gets going, the girls all promptly change into their lingerie and two chicks decide to do a strip tease for their girlfriends. Eventually some studs crash the party, the peeper in black shows up again, and then people start dying off in grisly fashion. Sadly, doors can’t be opened, second story windows are nailed shut from the outside, lamps and plates are smashed over heads, people get drilled, the bad guy is dealing with some awful Uncle abuse (and impotence) and eventually he is killed with his own weapon at the hands of an innocent little girl. Sorry for that spoiler if you’re looking to rent this this weekend.

Maybe in the shot below, someone is proving just how NOT IMPOTENT he really is you mother fuckers! YEE HAW!!! LOOK AT MY WEENUS!!! P.S. – where’s the power cord?? WEENUS!

The acting is atrocious, make no mistake. There is a kill with a powered-on vibrator into the tub. The resulting shock burns the outlet to cinders and kills the lady – maybe she should invest in her own masturbation closet… The next time we visit the bathroom, it’s perfectly fine (the power outlet) (not her – uh – cooter). I guess the “Driller Killer” replaced the outlet box, wiring and cover. As you can see, the killer is wearing a nice button up shirt – the amount of blood seen on his shirt changes at least six different times. Towards the end, he has one of the girls pinned to the ground and is thinking of doing it with her (90s Balling??). While this unfolds for about ten minutes, the other three surviving members of the party must just be standing around in the kitchen eating cookies, because they sure had time to either: 1) escape or 2) get a bat or a knife or a fireplace poker or the vibrator and attack the guy three-on-one style. At one point, the hottest chick of the bunch (and the only decent actress) decides she’d rather jump through the glass sliding door than deal with this any longer (which kills her, sadly) so he puts up the dining room table to block their exit and heads upstairs. Later, when they come screaming down the stairs, not only is the table there, but also all of the chairs and benches are on top of it. At one point there is going to be a “lamp smash” – but the lights go out before the powered on lamp is actually smashed. P.S. WEENUS!!

Well – good people and beloved readers. That should do it for my crime board BUT – one thing I said at the very beginning of this project – there’s a big gap on the top right corner of this thing. Should I fill it in with something? Sorority Row (the original)? Cheerleader Massacre? I think I remember a terrible movie a while back called Spring Break Massacre. There was once a pitiful movie out there called Bikini Girls on Ice. What do you think? Leave it alone because it is a beautiful work of art as is? Should we send a copy of it to the MoMA? How about some sort of Antiquities museum somewhere? Suggestions? Or is this more of a “Go fuck yourself, buddy.”? Maybe we’ll never know! But – I do know – this movie sucked it and was a poor way to go out. No offense to anyone but this kind of reminded me of when [those poor guy{s}] accidentally did themselves in while jerking it and strangling themselves…. that’s no way to go, man…

Filed under: MIASMA COLLECTIONS, SLASHERS AND CHICKS

Terrible.