What are we doing today? AAAHHH Fear Street 2 – the one in the 70s! This should be right up my poop chute, yes? Can I say that? Poop chute? I did do something recently where I tried to reintroduce the act of Goosing to a new generation of Good and Curious souls – I think we were calling it Dong Chim, yes? Dong Chim! I also, I think, less than recently mentioned that I would be turning 50 later this year and my doctor wants to put his fingers in my butt to check for things. I’m not really super excited about that – I’ve never really had things up my – ahem CPD – ARSE other than when I was a kid and my grandparents (the Baptist ones) made me stick suppositories up there all the time if I didn’t shit on schedule. I never understood that. I’ve NEVER had a problem in that arena so I’m not sure why such drastic and invasive measures had to be taken but I lived and here we are. At the top of these things I like to stick a movie poster and I like that one but it seems blurry even for my almost 50 year old eyes, suppositories or not, so let’s try another one.

I guess that’s a little bit better. Please take note of the little guy in the bottom right, I’ll try and come back to him later but I’m not really sure why these posters suck so much – are they trying to capitalize on the book covers? I’ve never seen one, so I don’t know for sure. Let’s see if I can try my hand at a little graphics Magick. Or is it graphic Magicks? Let’s see here.

Did I fuck that up? I don’t know – I kind of like it – it’s kind of more 70s, maybe even Giallo-y. Maybe! Maybe I’m just stupid. Let’s press on!

The first one of these things was set in 1994 and I liked it despite some questionable music selections and the fact that I was afraid it was about 90s rap. I thought the acting and the camera work were good and I was surprised at some of the gore and I had a little laugh out loud at the whole “Pound Town” thing they did. Which lasted five seconds so HAHAHHAHAH end. Speaking of ends, at the end of ’94 they went and found a survivor of something or other that happened back in ’78 and they thought they saved their asses but they really didn’t so we get a sequel and travel back into the time of my beloved youth. And – to a camp no less! The Gentle Reader might recall that I’ve actually never been to a summer camp or one of those sleepovers with a bunch of half naked pillow fighting girls but I’m sure all of those movies are entirely accurate and, despite me not being in them, are True History.

Time for a picture break!

In this one, a bunch of kids are at camp and, as True History dictates, they run afoul of each other, shorts are so short that testicles hang out, young people fall in love or douse each other with some sort of cockroaches and someone turns into an axe murder and chops people up. There’s also some sort of witchcraft carrying over (or from the past!! shit!), there’s a crazy nurse, an outhouse and some sort of pulsating blob oozing shit from the depths of the earth. I realize this is a slasher set in the 70s with a rock n roll soundtrack and people smoking weed but if you came to see some boobs and 70s style humpy sex, there’s none of that so you can watch this with your kids. And no testicles either – that’s kind of joke that no one knows about from around 20 years ago when we had a boss who wore fucking really small shorts to work and would stick his feet up on his desk and god damn it was only a matter of time before it was – what – swedish meatballs in the call center (or something). Fuck me – I should have used that analogy way back then. I must’ve been drinking too much Scotch to erase the pain.

Aside from the fact that – if you watch old 70s or even early 80s movies – you can see when people wore or had their own clothing, I did like the small tidbit of the old Nike. I also thought everyone did a really nice job and they didn’t even make a big deal out of the hideous spiders they had in that glass case in the shed. I know some of you like spiders but in my opinion they can all go fuck themselves.

What else?

Old style Nike sneakers, the hangin’ tree, weed, striped shirts and an axe murderer. Or is it ax? I guess I’ve never been too sure. I think the main thing this did was, aside from decently ripping off old slasher in the woods movies, it tried to set up the third one. I do think it’s clever going backwards in the trilogy ALTHOUGH I have seen the third one by now and – well – ahem – but I can try to cover that sometime soon. A bunch of other people I read already have so what’s the hurry, right?

I think I had another picture ready for this post – let’s look. I’d hate to waste the minutes I took finding things for this movie post full of ideas I’ve forgotten about.

I think I was going to mention that I thought this kid was a good and believable actor here and that I remembered him from that latest Halloween and that I further remembered him from old episodes of The Office but that last part would be WRONG! I lose! Looking at his IMDB list, he seems to have been on the VERY GOOD Mare of Easttown but for some reason I can’t recall him in it so… there’s that. How about another quick fun with photo manipulation and then I need to eat some dinner.

FILED UNDER: THEY ALMOST MADE IT TO THE HAPPY FINISH