Why does it seem like every movie – or maybe it’s just the movies I pick – but nothing EVER has the right sized landscape for this theme of mine and NEVER has something visually pleasing for the upper movie poster thing I pick for the top of these posts? I assume a bunch of that is because these are old but this one’s not too old, for chrissakes. If you didn’t notice the beautiful rendering I made for the ‘featured image’ for this thing, that’s OK – my hard work doesn’t need to be shown in some fine art gallery. Plus it’s pretty sucky but – simplistic. How many times do you think it took for me to get ‘simplistic’ spelled correctly? The thing directly above looks like it’s 420P or something so here s this to make me happier:

Isn’t that pretty?? Like me!

Next up – because I’m an honest fucker, I LOVE this movie. I recently watched and even wrote about Villains and I loved that too so I rented this – in HD! – out on Amazon and spent some time with it like the good and loyal friend that I am and loved it again. There were a couple of things I caught this 10th or so time around but it didn’t take anything away from it. I know people think or say shit like this all of the time but this is one of those movies I wish I had been a part of. Maybe the writing or the stage direction or even one of the folks who made the sets (that second cottage was fucking great).

A month or so ago my friend was over here. He’s one of my oldest friends ever and he’s been cooped up (on purpose) with his wife and kids for 25 years and when he gets out he really gets out if you know what I mean. The Friday night he was over here he bought 60 beers and made a really good dent in them. That night he asked me what I wanted to do with my life (remember, I’m almost 50). I said ‘I love my job. It doesn’t pay great but I’m doing OK and I get lots of time off and I love going to work most of the time.’ He responded, lighting his 50th cigarette, something like ‘so this is what you want to do?’ and “I said yes, I’m almost fucking 50′ and he said something like ‘what if you had ten million dollars?’ and I thought for a while and said ‘I’d finish my script and make and direct my own movie my way and no one would tell me what to do and even if it sucked it would be my deal’. Well, THIS would be like something I would try and make. It’s funny, it’s gory and it’s got tons of things that really work for me and my tastes. I could probably do without so many Englishmen but…. at least it wasn’t the French.

A couple of brothers roll into this cottage out in the English woods (?) maybe (?). Everything I see regarding England that’s not in London reminds me of the house in Dog Soldiers so what do I fucking know? The house runs electricity by putting coins in some meter (which is a crack up) and out in the truck they have this chick, tied up and gagged. I guess this is English so what do they call it there? A boot? Go get her out of the bollocksing, arse boot! God save the Queen! Jolly good! This is unlike my Canadian friends who get Ooot and Aboot. HA HAHA I lose! They drag her in, she doesn’t play nice and some bumbling accomplice of theirs show up, followed by some Asian assassins (?) and things keep getting worse. Then they end up in The Farmer’s cottage.

What else can I go into there? Things keep getting worse and worse and worse, unexpectedly so. There’s rooms full of faces and freezers full of hands. There’s people making urine and lepidopterophobia (don’t bother looking that one up, it’s fear of moths or butterflies). Pinhead is in this for five minutes and those townspeople are hilarious. Someone says “You’ll never know when you’ll need some tissues” and someone else gets kicked in the balls. Have you ever been kicked in the balls? There’s nothing fucking fun about that. I’ve always figured that if I ever actually met some of you blog friends out in real life it would end up with me getting kicked in the balls somehow. It would probably go something like this:

Event: The Great Big Blog Get Together of 2023
Location: The Isle of Man (I’ve never been there but it’s the coolest name) (and I think it’s an island) (and that honestly doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that this particular movie was paid for with funds from something like The Isle of Man Film Fund LLC or something) (I mean, we could have the big meeting in Prague {Oklahoma} where my ancestors are from – there’s a big shrine to the Doll of the Baby Jesus there) (really) (there’s a bar in that town called The Last Resort where we could all go have whiskeys and bitch about the heat)
New Setting: outside The Last Resort, where toughs, thugs and Oily Greeks smoke cigarettes since you can’t smoke inside anywhere any more.
Person 1: Ey! You are ze une zey call Feelm Miazma?
Me: Uh. Yeah. Um. Have we met yet??
Person 1: Eet zez zo on your, who do you zay eet, your name tagge. Tagge, yez?
Me; Yeah – that’s right, ‘Tag’ it’s a hard G, but we’re all friends here and who ca…
Person 1: Zees eez for mee countrymen! Alous zee ort!! Oui! Ja’mapelle!
Kicks me in the nuts like he’s trying to make a 70 yard field goal. (That’s a U.S. football term) Maybe: Kicks me in the nuts like he’s trying to score a 180 meter football score on their goalie before some more of those unknown minutes come back around.
Me: AAAIIEEOOUURRRGGHHH barf puke
Person 1: Vive la France!

MM HMM MMM HMM. And that, My Beloveds, is how you set the bar very, very, very low for a post about The Cottage.

FILED UNDER: FUCK YEAH, SON