babysitter must die (2020)

I suppose I should tell you that this is also known as: Josie Jane: Kill the Babysitter….

And here’s the not comical movie poster:

See, in that yellow thing, someone’s going to sit on the baby. Get it?? HAHAHAHA!! No. In the second one she’s going to beat the baby to pulp with the baseball bat! HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! Shit! Wait, No, not that. The baby is going to go all Stewie on her and grab her by those pigtails and swing her around the merry go round until she gets sick and dies or flies off the end of the world and hits that ice wall the FEs think surrounds us until she’s deader than fuck! SWING SWING SWING WHOOPS! FLY EEEEEEEEEEEK OH OW SHIT DEAD! “That didn’t happen either, asshole,” says my cat. “Quit being stupid. It’s getting cold outside so go turn on the fucking heater.” That last bit really did just happen except you probably wouldn’t know it unless your one of those newer Doctor Whos who speak horse and baby or you know how to interpret it when Mr Bud yells at me.

What does happen in this thing? Sheeeez I don’t want to dog it out because I think they did what they could – at least they tried, right? – but hey, well, you know, gosh, um *draws a circle in the dirt with his toe* this wasn’t really my favorite. I never really had babysitters. I don’t think it was necessarily because I was some good kid or anything, i think it was because I was under constant threat of severe spankings if I

made a mess
did anything except read books (comics were acceptable at my mom’s)
or listened to my records
or played with my things by myself

but if I

talked back or
stayed up late or
watched the TV in the living room or
forgot my church pants (at my dad’s) then

cancel christmas and say goodnight because I had a wheel of those county fair tickets but they were entries into the Ass Bustin’ Booth and I was the only customer. HMM I actually just made that up and I’m kind of proud of myself but – nevertheless – constant and blistering spankings were always in order. in the [NAME REDACTED] Household.

But let’s get back to business.

I think I brought that up here because, in this one, Mz babysitter looks a little old to be playing someone who still likes to do babysitting, but that’s probably my fault because I never had a babysitter that wasn’t my grandparents. They make some comments about how she’s in college but the pigtails and her desire to hang out with a child on the weekends threw me off but again – this is probably just my ignorance in the matter. I have never wanted to hang out with any kids at all so this movie may not have me rolling around in my subject matter which is, most likely, human shit or decomposition of some sort.

So Babysitter is chasing her little girl babysitting person around this enormous house and then the parents and some guests show right back up which I also didn’t understand. I thought they were going out and needed a babysitter? They didn’t even give her enough time to get a pizza before they came home. Couldn’t the child manage by herself for 30 minutes? Maybe not! Again — – not my – what did this guy say to me the other day when he needed some Excel help? “Not my purview” he said. He probably makes 20 grand more than me and should know some Excel basics like how to use a filter or look at a different tab but, I guess that’s why, for me, it’s another day another one dollar.

Anyway, no sooner do the parents et al get home but so do a trio of toughs and they bust in like they fucking own the place and, curiously, they have some shit on their faces. Not shit as in what you probably think I roll around in for fun but some sort of gauze pads with some scribbles on ’em. I’m not sure who she is but the lady with the – presumably – popped out eye was probably the best in this thing but this might not have been the best role to strike out on, but again, who am I to say?

Maybe that’s enough for this movie… I mean – they tried right? What’s another babysitter movie we could talk about? Babysitter Wanted? I don’t remember that one being so good. Babysitter: Killer Queen? ERRRMMMMMM…. I loved the first one but that one seemed to really be pulling its own dick way too hard to squeeze some quality discharge out of itself. Weekend With The Babysitter? That’s kind of a 70s skin flick that I could try and cover in my THE BOOBS THAT TIME FORGOT series that I don’t update very frequently. Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead? Hmmmmm….

That’s the one with Al Bundy’s kid. I can call her that because Al and I have history. We both used to sell shoes at the Montgomery Ward back in the day. Have YOU ever sold shoes? Do you know how disgusting people are with their fucking corns and toenails and stinking hosiery? God damn that’s a fucking filthy job. Do you know how many 8 balls Al and I used to take in over the course of a shift just to try and make it through? Fuuuuuck, how are we still alive? I remember when he knocked Peggy up. We were outside in the alley, draining a fifth of Old Crow when he told me. He was so scared and talking about jumping the train out of town.

It reminded me of the time they got in that big fat fucking fight outside of the casino in St Louis. We were all drunk and she was picking on him to no end – PICK PICK PICK PICK PICK and then he finally opened the passenger door and jumped out off their La Salle right there on the goddammed highway. I’ve never seen such a thing. I don’t know how he did it but he finally called me from a place called Lake Charles in Louisiana, eating red gumbo and drinking beer on a Sunday morning. And who had to go pick him up?? Not Peggy!! “I’m not driving all the way down there!” She screamed, probably painting her toenails. “He can just go live with the alligators and pelicans for all I care!!”

I guess the rest is what it is and eventually Kelly was born and they did some good things and then she was in a babysitter movie and here we are.

I’d like to end this on a positive note though – Tom, since I am writing this and haven’t heard back from you yet, I wasn’t sure if you were really looking for semi nudes about the cross-breeding watermelon guy – that was even too random for this site, it seems. So, in case he was a relative or something, I didn’t want to besmirch his name so here’s a semi, but tasteful, nude of my favorite philosopher, Walter Russell:

Now taking requests…

BABYSITTER MUST DIE FILED UNDER: AT LEAST THEY TRIED

And, because these things have always cracked me up:

You know, I’m going to say one last thing. I enjoyed that picture I made so much I am going to dedicate an entire page to it – and others! Maybe! If you want to look at it, it’s up at the top or in the menu under ‘tasteful nudes’ – if you don’t – I understand that too!

6 thoughts on “babysitter must die (2020)

  1. Tom

    I had forgotten all about my watermelon guy goddamn it. This . . . I GUESS!!!! . . . suffices. The drawing is at the very least appreciated. Though he might have to have someone take a look at his Gen Et Als because they’re quite blue and fuzzy. That . . . that can’t be healthy.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Someone didn’t know how to use a filter or look at a different tab in Excel?! People suck. Learn some basics, people! Luckily, since I’m still working from home, I don’t have to worry about office people walking over to me for Excel help. Yay! But my (small) team know me as the Excel person so I get stuck doing anything that ever requires spreadsheet work. (Which is fine since I fucking love Excel – I just refuse to do work for OTHER people in it!). 😁 Anyway – the babysitter in this movie looks at least forty-something. Geez. God I LOVED babysitting but I did that at, like, age 13. And I like Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead! Have the sudden urge to rewatch that now…

    #KellyBundy

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Right? I mean, I guess but this isn’t 1999, you should know hot to use a fucking filter by now. You’re not a baby.

      Also – right?? Babysitter here has to be in her 30s. You can’t fool us!

      #30yearoldbabysitter

      Mmmm hmmmmm

      Like

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