Hey hey! Cheers cheers! Pip pip! Here here! Have any of you seen these two movies? I don’t feel like I’ve seen anyone cover these on the blogs I look at. How is your short term memory? Do you remember recently when I talked about the first one of these? I watched it, sat on it for a few days while I tried to think of what to write about it and realized that I secretly loved it. I’m a happy, married man with a family so I can’t go chasing its skirt but, hey you, whistle whistle if I was single I’d ask you out. Now – let’s be really fucking clear here. I never used to go asking girls out. I’m way too introverted and shy. So, for clarity and posterity: man if I were single I’d totally have the hots for you and tell my friend that I think you’re cute and boy I’d wonder if you’d go out with me but I’m such a scaredy I would never do anything and plus you’d probably just got out with someone hotter than me or had a better car or played in a goddammed band or something anyway so I’ll just save myself the trouble and why bother. I mean, there’s worse things to have hanging around than me but I know I’m not at all flashy and not your big choice but that’s ok, I understand, I do and it’s no big deal, I still think you’re pretty cute and you have something good going on so be happy and take care. It’s all right about me.
But – since this is my place for writin’ I can tell you you’re hot and these movies were both my kind of thing and maybe you’re not for everyone but you worked out for me and this second part was just fine and in the old days we used to call things like this ‘tits’ and now I remember that one time I got made fun of for using the adjective ‘tits’ wrong and that was a feeling hurter but I doubt those guys are hanging around here especially since that was back in the 80s and I thought these two movies were tits and I would totally hang out with them and we could drink strong Polish beer and eat Kielbasa and then, if things worked out right and for some reason you liked me back we could Make It and then even if you didn’t like me later because that was just the strong Polish beer talking, I’ll still have good memories of the brief time we spent together and never talk bad about you and I’ll hope you come back around with another one since you set yourself up for a third and I’ll just be doing my thing if you want to hang out again sometime.
If you managed to make it this far, and I don’t mean Make It although, this is a pretty open space if you need some space to Make It, one of my only rules is “Don’t Be a Shitbag Out Here” so, if you need to Make It, make yourself at home but, for the purposes of this movie – I’ll probably have to talk about some things that this movie does which, but not necessarily, you might need to see the first one to “get”. You don’t really have to at all but, it might make you appreciate what they do here a little more. Maybe, maybe not. For one thing, I thought it was hilarious that the bad guys from the first one just sit in a jail cell the whole time I think, trying to get some sleep. No one really talks about or is concerned with, all the murders and killing and human eating they did the last time around, people are just more concerned with how the cop and the deputy ‘got those fat guys in a cell’. “It wasn’t easy and took a little work” says the sheriff (I guess that’s his rank), “But we did it.” Never mind that in the last one they killed a dozen people and ate a lot of them raw. And they both came back to life after being murdered pretty hard. Those are some good, hard working Poles right there. And they’re also covered from head to toe in disgusting boils so, yuck. Kind of like me, I guess, except without the boils.
There are a handful of things that I will never do on this blog or in my writing or in my life. I will never hurt animals. I will never badmouth or rag on a friend. I will never handle a spider. I will never drunkenly stick a garden hose up my butthole with the intention of giving myself an enema (rest in piece Mike). I will never like Jack Black or Dane Cook. I will never understand how so many people thought Nirvana was a good band outside of maybe two catchy songs. While there may come a time in my life when I actually watch some sort of French movie, I will never use pretentious French terms regarding a movie. I will also never consider myself good at actually writing about movies and I will never ever, ever eat a bowl of flour again. Lastly, but not lastly, probably, I will NEVER use that word that starts with a T, ends in ROPES and rhymes with dropes. I will also never think that anyone gives a real shit about what I have to say but my point of saying that is that when we look at this movie, the good folks who made this turned all of those usual things we see in horror movies around – and I fucking loved it.
I don’t know how to put it really but these two movies are like the sons of Tommy Wirkola before Wirkola went and made a big and high profile Netflix flick. I haven’t seen The Trip but I watched a trailer for it the other day and it didn’t look fantastic. But – this movie is great – if you like things like Dead Snow 2. It’s full of grossness, it’s funny, it’s full of grossness some more and, I guess, maybe it’s just me (probably) and my weird sense of humor (I guess) but to give you an example, this one guy turns into a monster (his words) because this girl he likes turns into one too (it’s in the poster at the top) and she wants him to kill this one girl. But he can’t because he’s still nice even though he’s a boil covered piece of grossness but he’s still nice inside for fuck’s sake so she rips the girl’s face off and throws it at him as “a souvenir because you like her so much!” I mean, yes, it was gross and squishy and rippy and it was someone’s face but it was also a crack up and kind of sweet actually. I mean, come on, he’s a monster now. Be mean or something.
To wrap things up before you rip my face off and throw it away like some piece of garbage, I just loved these two things and I wish they’d make some more. I honestly don’t see how either of these are any less entertaining than those Fear Street movies but these don’t have flashy soundtracks.
FILED UNDER: FUCK YEAH, SON
P.S. If you’ve ever wanted to see two boil covered monster creatures get naked and do The Sex, this is the place for you.