While I originally wanted to treat this as a Christmas movie – it’s mostly set in the snow and there’s lots of blood so we have the red and white motif – it looks like it’s just past Christmas now so I fucked that up! But – hey – snow! And Boss Hogg! I’m going to suppose that you are probably not old like me so – Boss Hogg was one of those unlikeable characters from late 70s TV shows. Mostly unlikeable because he was portly, bumbly, stupid and in power of a small town. Here he is, if you’re interested before we get on with things:

Back to the topic at hand: an older man is picking up a much younger woman in his awesomely huge car! She’s his lover…. —-> and the daughter of his boss! Elsewhere a bus is driving up a snow covered road. It blows a tire! They fast motion the film! OOO LA LA! The bus is going at a super speed down the mountain! It rolls off the hill! Out crawls a little black kid and steals a dead person’s watch! Out crawls three young ladies, one dressed as a nun! As they set to leave, out crawls a young Leif Garrett! OOOOOOO LA LA! They set off into the snow as, elsewhere, at the top of the mountain, a group of deviant adults have gathered for a vacation, little do they know what fate has in store for them! Included in this group is none other than a young Boss Hogg (see reference above if your short term memory is lacking)! He’s relatively thin here and has a huge mustache! He’s married to a drunk! She hates him! The character named Lovely wants to do it with the mentally impaired houseman Ralph! He just wants to talk to his rabbits! Lovely gets in a fight with Julie!! Girl fight! A boob pops out! Order is restored! The boob is demurely covered up! SHIT! What an opening!

Outside the house, in the garage, the kids have killed their caretaker (who followed them from the bus crash scene) in the longest, slowest B&W death scene ever. “We have to get rid of it,” the leader of the pack remarks, concerning the dead body, melting my heart by using the word “it” in such a fashion. Inside the house, there’s a lot of grumbling and dick swinging about salaries and jobs and who’s the head honcho and there’s flirting and sexing and shouting and drinking and sassing and mustaches and probably some playful grab-assing and pool playing and cigarette smoking and a dude’s naked ass until the drunk wife goes downstairs for some J&B and runs across this:

Holy shit-ass! Just look at that collar! And that striped blanket!

So – let me clear something up. We don’t know jack shit about these kids or where they came from or where they’re going but, from left to right: that’s the militant black fellow who talks all Army (ten-hut you fool) and is the leader of the gang, behind him is the nun who I really liked for some reason in some creepy way (her acting name is Gail Smale) (Smale!) , in front of her is the girl who is obsessed with her baby doll, next to her is Leif who – ahem – is a kid cross dresser -ahem obsessed romantically with Hogg’s character – ahem – and behind him is the arsonist chick. The group of adults reluctantly take the kids in and, wouldn’t you know it, people just start getting….. murdered!!!! OH GOD DAMN!

That there is one of my favorite shots of the film even though it happens kind of later on. I think I’ll just say that I was VERY surprised with how the kills were pulled off for a movie like this. There’s a hanging, a beat to death with sledgehammer and chains, an ax to a head, what else, someone gets thrown out of a window (ref2: Blogferatu¹ ibid {no? maybe?} {ibid? what am I writing a thesis?}), a spear in a neck, someone gets bear-trapped – all by little kids of all people. And, of course:

I don’t think that I’ve ever really see any killer kids movies that I actually liked. I’ve seen a bunch but none really come to mind. Remember Who Can Kill a Child? UGH. YEESH. I guess, as a rule, kids freak me out so, I guess, people’s home movies should also make it on this list since I doubt I’d like them. Several years ago my mom got married to this guy she knew in high school – remember I’m an only child (so, just me and her for all that time). A couple of years ago at Thanksgiving, he had his family over and I guess he has three grown kids and what seemed like 40 grandkids. I didn’t want to tangle with any of them so I kept out of sight but then I got spotted and someone put a baby on my leg. I don’t remember the exact words but it went something like “[NAME REDACTED] now you’re part of our family so hold this baby!” I remember wanting to hurt myself at everything in that command but I held the baby and it looked at me and i could feel it shit on my leg. I can tell you right fucking now that that didn’t make me want to go handle any more babies. That doesn’t really have anything to do with Garrett picking out a dress but, hey!

As for this thing – I really liked it. Have you seen it? It’s also called Peopletoys if you’re out looking for it.

FILED UNDER: FILM MIASMA CHRISTMAS CHEER

1: Blogferatu

I think I remember something from back in the college days that had something to with some shit or another about how you couldn’t do a “1” reference without doing a “2” so here comes your “2”: Gail Smale²

² A blurb about Gale Smale