Ugh. Well, maybe. I don’t know -did we need this movie? I mean – I like Wheatley’s shit. I think. For the most part. He knows his way around how to make a movie. His practical effects team are the real fucking shit when it comes to grotesque and butthole sphincter puckering gnarliness. Did he need to add “if you didn’t have epilepsy before you watch this you will now” to his resume? Or is it CV? “Ere’s yer strobe lights an’ eardrum piercin’ sounds gents! Enjoy, you governin’ tossers!” Well, mmm hmmm.

I will say this – before I found the poster above, I was really turned on by the poster below. And no I don’t mean turned on like I was all horny and shit, I mean that it turned me on to wanting to watch the movie. You perv.

(Side note: I think it was back in the puberty years when I was in something like Art Class and this guy at my table said that he “really got off” listening to KISS. I was probably 12 or 13 back then and all I knew was you couldn’t ‘take matters into your own hand’ because it was Against God and ‘Never touch your pecker unless you’re pissing, son, or God will kill you’ and such so I said, I think, meekly, ‘you get off to KISS?” and he stood up and screamed at me “NO I DON’T JACK OFF LISTENING TO KISS!!!!” while moving his arm and fist back and forth in front of his crotch dramatically. I remember being totally mortified and pretty scared really so that’s why I’ve always adopted the ‘do what you like approach you’re all welcome here just don’t be a shitbag’ in my personal life.)

I feel like I should get this out of the way early and now so you don’t waste any more of your time at my place but –> I didn’t like this fucking thing at all. I thought it was mildly interesting but more than mildly slow and then I thought there might be hope when they met the weird guy in the woods. He had some shoes and some food and hey! – gross – he stitched up that guy’s foot and that was nasty to look at and then hey! – he slipped them some jungle juice and they all tripped balls and hey! – he rolls them up in tin foil and takes ( ? ) photo style – weren’t those called ‘tintypes’ ( ? ). I will ALWAYS admit when I’m wrong which is very often but maybe I was just too dumb to follow along.

I mention my old blog every now and then and I look at it occasionally but one thing I always admired was when stranger danger people would come out there and tell me how wrong I was or whatnot. Like this comment I got on Rubber:

Cassiel

I think it’s fair you know that this movie is an allegory about the fall of an angel (ophan or galgal, also called Wheels) related to Lucifer, king of Tyre, Watchers (spectators), a member of the Choir/warrior angel (“Classically Trained” hat) seeking just to retire and maybe just to watch, the relation between the surreal/simulation theory/film experience and how it applies to life, reincarnation, and the fall of other angels seeking to destroy what would keep them in a world of illusion or subservience, even making others amnesic. It’s not “no reason” as in none at all, but as in bad reason (lust and anger at being incarnated in a displeasing form), and being terrible to the audience, because they (Hollywood or the “elites”) only want your money and attention for a short time until they can get rid of you, and not to give you time/money back. Even not being able to eat without dying is related to Persephone’s story in the underworld, where she had to stay/remain dead forever, which is obviously preferred by somewhat forced actors that realize they’re actors, if she ate even a single pomegranate seed. I suggest you watch it again with this in mind, and learn not to be angry or impatient from this fun movie. It is more fun when you don’t know, though.

So – I’m probably wrong about everything I’ll write about this but – that’s my way I guess. In any case, here’s another good looking picture for this movie:

Aside from being super dumb, I think I could try and interpret what I saw in this thing. I’ve eaten enough mushrooms to get it. I do – but did we NEED the CONSTANT and MERCILESS strobe effect? And – to top it off in case we weren’t paying attention – the sound? AY my ears. This was as tough as that time I had to go to that baby shower.

Aside from that business, I felt like I should know these actors. The main fellow looks really familiar and he did a good job so I looked him up it seems like the only time I would have seen him is in Game of Thrones as someone called Hizdahr zo Loraq. That doesn’t really ring a bell though. My brains are thinking he was in some of those newer episodes of Doctor Who – maybe the Tennant ones? (The answer to that is no as far as I can tell). The super pretty chick who I got the top poster from – wasn’t she in something too? Looks like she was in an episode of Broadchurch but that probably wouldn’t have stuck with me. The woman that played all the noise and lights? She was in The Descent, right? No. I suck at liking this movie and knowing the players in it.

HERE IT IS – the guy who plays the crazy dude out in the woods was in The Cottage! One of my favorite-ish movies! I WIN! Although – i think I liked him a lot better when was just afraid of moths.

Same guy, right?

Oh well, aside from the cool posters I didn’t get into this one too much and, in fact, it gave me a headache and I wanted to stick it outside in the freezing rain and sleet to shut it up a little and teach it a lesson. I’m never going to watch it again but I have to put it somewhere so I’ll file it under At Least They Tried. and move on to something less harsh.

FILED UNDER: AT LEAST THEY TRIED