Sheesh. I remember when this thing first came out – I think it was one of the first movies I ever watched on my iPad back when it was AppleTV (I think) and I had NOTHING to do at my old job so I started fucking off and watching TV during my extensive downtime. NOTE: I sat in a room with no windows, by myself for eight hours a day with NOTHING to do except for about three hours at the start of each month. Talk about blow your head off boring. Such as it is – I started writing things about the shitty movies I watched on – iWeb (maybe?) and then it turned into a fun hobby and someone convinced me to put it out on twitter back in the early days when people like Jimmy Fallon were still trying to explain twitter to his fans and shit and I actually liked this movie and the blond actress in the poster above started following me and was DM-ing me about things and I thought I was pretty hot stuff.

The other day I was sitting around watching TV all day because I’m currently in between jobs and this popped up and I was all “HAHA I loved this movie” in my brains and “I wonder if Michael Biehn’s wife still has the hots for me” and “whatever happened to Danielle Harris” and “I really liked Halloween 4 and 5 but Cinema Parrot Disco didn’t so much and I wonder why” and “I wonder if Biehn has his voice dub problems in this” (I’ll get to that later maybe) and “I have to rent this thing for $1.99??” and “remember that terrible Among Friends thing these three all did” and “”$1.99 I guess it’ll kill a half day” and “I better go get a roast beef sandwich so I don’t starve until dinner” and “$1.99??” but then I did all of those things and watched this again ten years later and —

it totally sucked it.

and not in that way that must have been great on their sets because Biehn’s wife does lots of simulated slurpy wiener sucking in this, but in the way that it was totally stupid and very poorly executed. It’s also told nonlinearly told which made no sense and didn’t add anything. And Harris is in it, I guess, just to show off her underwear body and act maybe lesbiany. I guess.

This starts off, speaking of, Harris bent over a rock and getting a rogering she doesn’t seem to care much for. Angered at her disinterest, the man doing the banging gives her one of those unbelievable and likely not possible semi neck turns that breaks her neck and she’s dead. Elsewhere, Biehn is enjoying some sort of morning drink in what looks exactly like a corner strip mall in California where I used to buy Ted Nugent audio tapes. ♪♫♫♪ Little Miss Dangerous ♪♪♫♪ Little Miss Dangerous toooooonight ♫♫♫♪ like him or not the man can play a mean fucking guitar…

Where was I before the music started in my brains? Oh yes, Biehn and some sort of drink, Harris gets killed with the touch of a hand and some blonde is running around screaming through the woods. She takes shelter in Biehn’s cabin and recounts the terrible and horrifying story of why Harris was killed. Soon, some cops show up and Biehn and the blond bang and there are a bunch of flashbacks that look like this:

I mean – irritatingly so. Before too long there’s a big fight and this and that and someone just wants to give head again before she dies and then – surprisingly – there’s a big twist ending. Really. Like – you filled the movie with this PG-13-ness and then that end? oh ok.

But – oh yeah – hey! It’s been a million years since I watched Terminator or The Abyss but has anyone else ever notice that Biehn’s mouth movements never seem to match his dialogue? I think I first noticed it in The Divide and then again in this terrible movie called Among Friends and then I kind of noticed it in Tombstone a few years ago and again in The Mandalorian. And it seem pretty bad in this. Has anyone else ever seen this or am I imagining it? I really like him so I’m not dogging him I just wonder if he has some sort of thing where he can’t capture it on the overhead mic or something? Maybe he gets too excited and has too much saliva slurring his words or something and has to re-record? Maybe he doesn’t enunciate well ‘in action’? Maybe I’m just stupid? Anyone else ever heard of such a condition??

In the end, and not Danielle Harris’, this thing could have been a lot better. Maybe they had great fun making it.

THIS MOVIE FILED UNDER: AT LEAST THEY TRIED