WOW – this movie really stunk. And before you silently judge me, it’s not because there were no boobs – there were a few sets of them – they were man boobs and it’s not because of that. I AM a man who likes the female figure – I do – I have my whole life – I appreciate the male figure but it’s never been something that super appealed to me. So – my take on this isn’t about that, or the all-guy squealing pillow fight – although I DO have serious questions about how that big, beefcake muscly guy managed to take off his super tight muscle showing shirt without taking his glasses off – hmmmm – I can barely take my glasses off with a shirt on and not drop them or break them. So it’s really not about that stuff, I promise.

I do have to give the movie people some credit for making up nice throwback costumes that resemble what they wore in the first one – nice. There was one cool, gory death scene involving a replica of the guitar from SPM 2 and I want to be as fair as possible but I think that’s about it. I was never really in to the whole SJW v Man thing, but I get it, I just don’t need a lecture, but maybe I’ve just had enough of it and it’s just – I don’t know. I know no one likes Trump (and I don’t either) but did SNL have to tell the same joke over and over and over and over again for four straight years? That thing was funny the first dozen times but let’s try something else. And then it went on for 150 more weeks.

This one starts in 1993 (the worst) and some chicks in pajamas are having a slumber party at a lake house. For no particular reason (at least in the original there was) a dude in a costume like Russ Thorn from the original shows up and starts killing them. His name is Russ Thorn and he’s drilling them to death (CGI too). One of them survives and then he falls in a lake where he’s supposedly dead. Nothing against the actor himself but he looks like this in EVERY shot (which was really irritating):

Again, nothing against the actor but this is all I could think of every time I saw the character:

So he falls in a lake and he’s dead. In the present, some chicks decide to go out to a lake house and have a slumber party. The bratty kid sister stows away in the rear of their SUV. There, they meet some beefcake who are doing the same on the other side of the lake. At one point, the girls decide to have a pillow fight but the big surprise here is that they’ve armed their pillows with knives and machetes and they plan to kill Russ Thorn because a podcast says he’s probably not dead after all (or something) and Thorn likes to prey on girls who get in their PJs and have pillow fights and eat brownies. Then they say something from the script that’s really like: “We’ll teach him that he can’t prey on women in this day and age!!” That podcast must have been really convincing.

Across the lake some guys are topless and showing of their chests and legs and talking (I think) about how much their girlfriends like their hot bods. Eventually one of them rips open a pillow and they all play in the feathers flying around. OK – word – fair enough since they did that back in the old movies. Outside, one of the bros gets killed after they remake the infamous “this drill is my dick” shot from the first one. I really can’t find shit for pictures of this movie but I think you get the point.

It’s like this one but with a guy in between his legs:

Anyway the girls show up and the guys are all freaked out and they all decide to go git ’em and one of the ladies says “You don’t have to go out there, you know” and one of the guys really says “I know but I have to because of my toxic masculinity!” or some irritating, pointless shit. And there’s many more lines like that and then Thorn is dead or is he because someone’s still killing people and then it takes another hour to finally finish up.

This whole movie just seemed like a huge chore and I wish they hadn’t made it. Maybe after writing all of this I’m just disappointed or something because I thought it was so stupid but maybe it’s also because the first bunch of these things (pretty much) are some of my favorites. Not my favorite movies like Rocky or The Professional or anything but some of my favorite slashers. Especially the first and the one with all of the machine guns. And HOCKSTATTER!!!! They just seemed like more fun and 100% not agenda driven.

Or maybe I’m just old.

I know no one ever goes back and looks at the old shit but I covered all of the first of these things and along the way I made a crime board – which may be my life legacy but, I’ve updated it for this piece of crap.

FILED UNDER: SLASHERS AND CHICKS (BUT ALSO CRAP)