Recently, I was transferring a bunch of my old collectibles – stop. I’m one of those guys that finds it hard to throw things away. Not trash or garbage or anything, but things that leave an imprint on me or I might leave an imprint on after I’m gone and someone will see it and remember me some way or another. Like my old college notebooks. Or all those old VHS tapes I have in bins up in the attic. Or even those toys I still have from when I was a little kid. My souvenirs of my life, I guess. I KNOW I don’t need all of those empty jars of carmex bottles i have in boxes in the bottom drawer of my dresser but they remind me of all the times I went to bed and I let my dogs lick some off my fingers – they loved it and I did too. Someday when I’m dead Mrs Film Miasma will find that and remember that every night for twenty years [NAME REACTED] gave that to our babies – what a good memory (I hope). It’s also kind of why I started this blog – to keep a record of all of the things I watched and talk about them in my own voice, for better or worse (probably worse to any reader around here).

So the other week I was moving things from one closet to another and I came across my old box of Crown International Double Feature DVDs (technically it was a shelf in a filing cabinet from the 40s but) and while they won’t be everyone’s ‘man i gotta see that’s, they remind me of the things I used to watch when i was a kid so – someone should put some words to them for posterity, right? And it’s my blog so –

Despite the hideous poster above and the sleaze inducing tagline – this really isn’t that bad for a drive-in movie (I mean, it’s not a very good movie but it’s not ravage-y or anti-indian-y or even that nudity-y). It’s one of those “let’s take a road trip in our fancy winnebago, pal, and live it up like the 70s told us how to” things. Right? RIGHT! Were you alive in the 70s before mobile phones and portable computers when the open road was a great unknown full of myths and possible fear and barbarity?? I was! Let’s see how these folks made out –

So Captain Apollo (sorry that might be too arcane) a guy named Jesse, a guy named Pat, Jo Ella who is Pat’s estranged girlfriend and Jesse’s fiance Kathy are our mains here.  Pat just got off the airplane, returning from ‘Nam where he finds out his best bud Jesse’s engaged now and his old lady has come along for the ride. They confer and decide to rent an RV and drive up the California coast to some unspecified place where they can have a dual wedding! AHHHHHH….. plot! Pat, brows furrowed, agrees but it seems like he’s not 100% sold on the idea. Plot. 70s cautionary tale plot.

We get our first taste of his trouble from ‘Nam that night when his Pat’s Peter fails to function and he can’t ball his old lady. “It’s OK” she soothes and settles for a night of sleep. The next day, nothing really exciting happens but they do hit the casino and drink a lot of pop top beers and then Jo Ella decides to go dance topless on someone’s table. She’s really shakin’ it all over the place in her white bell bottoms and whipping the crowd into a frenzy but, as it always happens, especially when it’s me on stage,  this really pisses off the local talent who screams “it’s either her or me!!!” to the bar manager who must be balling the Main Stage Act because he tells the band to cut the music and demands she get down off the table. This hurts her feelings so she starts to cry but the crowd of Indian folks are all whipped up and want a piece of ass so Jesse and Pat do some fist fighting until this giant dude and his man boobs come creeping up. He smacks ole Jesse around a little bit and bloodies his nose but they make it out of there without further incident. Do we need more plot?? Maybe!

At the motel, Pat wants to go back and kill Big Boy and his Boobs and we see his violent nature but Jesse’s all calm and domesticated now and he sez “there’s just no point” so Pat storms off and walks around the dark streets until he finds Big Boy in an alley and breaks a conveniently placed 2 x 4 across his back take that, mother fucker so the next morning Jesse is in a pretty good mood and having a shave while Kathy takes a nice shower then they all head to the beach and we get some character development and some toenail polishing while out in the sand, Jesse and Pat really do wrestle around without their shirts on and pour beer all over each other so maybe they’re more than just friends and have benefits but it is the 70s but anyway here’s where Pat tells Jesse he doesn’t want to settle down after all Cool Breeze he wants to explore the country and get laid by different chicks and that’s been their life long dream and Jesse is killing him with this home and wife bullshit but I love Kathy Apollo counters to the dismay of sweaty, beer soaked Pat so that night, he starts working on disrupting Jesse and Kathy’s relationship by telling Jo Ella he’s not going to marry her after all and that Jesse’s always had the hots for her and wants to bang her and the next day Pat takes Kathy to the market and tells her she’s really ugly and Jesse’s gonna cheat on her and all of that crap while back at the motor home stopping place, out in the woods where we all know nothing good ever happens, Jo Ella  prances around in just a T-shirt and her panties, throws some leaves on Jesse and then they screw.

We’ve come so far today – do we need some more story to finish this up? Why not, right? I’m sure everyone stopped reading this after paragraph 2. When Pat and Kat get back – things are aawwwwwwwwwwwwwwkwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaard. All of that balling in the woods among the caterpillars and crickets still hasn’t busted his buddy’s romance up, so the next morning conniving Pat resorts to some sweaty attempted rape and gets the shit beat out of him. Bloody and sad and angry and bitter and dick-broke-ass-beat, he spins off into the night on his motor bike and the last three decide it’s just fucking time to split up for good goddammit. But Pat’s taken the RV key! And he’s stolen the carburetor!! FUCK!! And now he’s outside on the bike again!! Shining the light into the camper!!! He’s gone nuts!!! Shirtless, Apollo goes out and starts firing his pistol everywhere!!! OH NO!!!!!!!!! HE SHOT KATHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JESSE WINS!!!!! How sad. The Tragedies would be so proud.

So what did we learn today? Really” Don’t take your tits out at an Indian Casino. But what else? The bonds you form during war are stronger than the bonds your form balling? Best friend love is more natural than the love you find picking up chicks? Never walk around in an alley where random 2x4s might by hanging around? Light shines brighter when you pour beer on your best bud’s shirtless chest and then roll around in a beach on the California coast? Just keep it in your pants? Probably just the part about your tits. I learned my lesson the hard way – when was that? Back in the early, mid 90s? Mister Pubes and I were both hiding from our old ladies at this bar downtown, It was called the 10th St Lounge and they had Mil-

FILED UNDER: THE BOOBS THAT TIME FORGOT