OK – well – let’s just get this out of the way before anyone goes on reading – this thing really has a confusing lack of werewolves in it but we can touch on that later. It may be my incorrect opinion but I think this adventure back in time has two (well, maybe three) things going for it and two (or three) things it set out to showcase:

and:

Exhibit A consists of an old woman who sucks some green energy out of a dead girl’s mouth and turns into Sybil Danning – who I’ve always had the hots for – who showcases her – um – er – décolletage throughout all of her minutes in the movie, engages in some questionable – um- lasers shooting from her werewolf fingers and, of course, the obligatory 80s werewolf orgy. But more on that too!

Exhibit B is Christopher Lee who, in my eternal public shame, I’m just really not that familiar with other than his deep voice. And what he looks like of course… but, here – I don’t know if he didn’t know what he was getting into or if it was just the 80s and cocaine but he always looked really uncomfortable or more like “I signed on for this shite?” That bit where some stranger in a night club puts those glasses on him he seemed to wince a lot and a little later he’s outside the club in some jeans that don’t befit one of those classic English gentlemen that look down on you because they’re your overlord and you live on their land and let them ball you whenever they’re downstream out for a truffle hunt, but he seemed to be really swinging his dick around. If you can picture it – you’ve got a dong and you stand in a doorway with your hands in your pockets and you watch people walk by and you swivel your hips like you’re working a hula hoop and your penile is really whirlybirding it all over the place because you’re not wearing any underwear and if your pants were to drop and you were still gyrating there in the door frame and started peeing and pointing and saying ‘take this you traitorous dogs, here’s some English Golden Leaf for your Tea Party right here’ and then you grabbed ahold of your wiener and started aiming directly at some poor passerby and you put on one of those wigs that your English Prosecutors wear and you’re peeing on someone and you declare “This is for The Royals” and with your other hand you throw two quids at them and then put your one free hand in the air and turn it in a semi-circle and proclaim you’re taking back these streets in the Name of Queen and Country and everyone before you will Suffer Proper at the hands of The Fleet. Right? You can picture that, right? Or was that you last Friday at the club?

Elsewhere:

This thing takes place shortly after the weird events of the first movie. The newscaster is dead but not really and Lee is here to send her to ultimate, disgusting werewolf demise. “Why are you doing this, you English bastard?” asks Reb Brown who was in a Rambo knock off that I really liked called Uncommon Valor. “Because your sister is a werewolf,” explains Lee, pointing at his giant, English balls.

So, Reb and his squeeze track down Lee and his testicles to a church where something weird happens that I’m not really sure of but Reb shoots a bunch of hairy people and they decide they have to go ‘back to the old country -> “Transylvania” to kill the mother of the werewolves who will turn out to be Lee’s sister. As I mentioned, the sister is super old so Lee must be too (??) and she sucks out some green stuff from a dead girl to become Danning in a nice leather outfit (Exhibit C). Who engages in a couple of werewolf orgies.

Now – if you’re looking to get your eyes on some orgying werewolves, one of them is pretty tame – more like a hairy threesome – and the other is a bunch of people writhing around on the floor of a castle wearing some leather, I think licking each other but it’s no Caligula. Or even Conan for that matter. That first Conan and not that shitty fucking remake.

So – where were we? Reb, his chick and Lee head to Transylvania to dispatch his sister and kill all werewolves once and fucking for all. Out there, Reb bones his lady, Lee enlists a dwarf to do some peeping around the town and Danning has some off screen, hairy sex. As a side – I just started following her on Twitter (I think) after I watched this and remembered how much I wanted to fondle her when I was a teenager. She (I guess) posts a ton of shit about her old shoots and outfits but I’ve never seen anything about this particular job. I say that I think it’s her because that account doesn’t have that blue checkmark on it and I don’t bother with twitter too much to care so maybe it’s her or maybe not. Plus I just watched The Red Queen Kills Seven Times so hubba hubba on my TV.

If we go back in time to the first paragraph in this component of my post, after the orgies and boobs, this happens to Lee when he confronts his werewolf queen family member:

I’ve never read the source material but the impression I got from watching the first movie went something like this:

Two people are having poundy sex
OOF OOF ARRRH UH UH BABY BABY someone says
Someone, probably on the bottom in some sort of poundy sex position, reaches that moment in space and time where his or her genitals have had enough stimulation and bring about a large sense of ecstasy
ARROOOOOOOOOOO he or she howls in delight, his or her fingernails digging some trenches into the person who helped produce such feeling’s back
Minutes later someone remarks ‘ooh ohh baby that was some good, poundy sex we had, i can’t believe my genitals were so stimulated’
“Neither can I’ remarks the other person, ‘I’m sorry my finger claws ruptured your skin’ (see Exhibit Zero at top of page)
“No problem. I think I’ll write a book about how well I stimulated you, focusing on your reactions to my efforts’

Which is to say that, for a werewolf movie, there’s not many werewolves and, for a sex movie, there’s not much sex.

But, in this werewolf movie, there is some of that Christopher Lee glowiness and then there’s some of this:

And, because we must:

Notice the lady to the left of the, uh, robe. She seems to be doing some howling.

The purpose of that last image was not to be smutty, I promise, but to call attention to what was probably the best part of the movie and I really don’t mean Danning’s toots. Yeah I used the word ‘toots’. In the body of the movie, right after the cape comes off, so does the top of that outfit. It’s super gratuitous and lasts about 5 seconds. Over the end credits, this horrible band plays a horrible song. Are you familiar with drumming? Do you know that technique where the drummer takes this thing that looks like a metal paintbrush and runs it over the cymbal and it makes kind of a ‘snsssh’ sound? Well, during the credits, every time they make the ‘snsssh’ effect, they show the clip where she rips her top off – probably 15-20 times. Then, after every toots show, they cut to someone from the movie looking amazed or astonished or – in the case of those laser fingernails from earlier, someone’s eyes exploding. Or Christopher Lee smiling. The whole thing is actually pretty hilarious and kind of endearing. Can you use endearing there? Well I did. It really is funny.

FILED UNDER: WEREWOLVES AND SHIT