X… back in the old blog days – back when people use to go out and comment on shit all day and we’d have lively discussions about shit (whatever happened to that community?) (when I came back and started this new blog I went out searching for other horror places and commented on their shit to start talking to people and no one ever comments back) (????) (oh well) but back to back to the old days, I felt like I was that one guy who was always defending Ti West. When it first came out I LURRRRBED House of the Devil (but not so much now) and The Innkeepers and The Sacrament and I interviewed AJ Bowen and I felt like we were all buddies and then I asked Adam Green if he would do an interview with me and he was a total dickhead and wanted to get paid – he must have missed the fact that I really only wanted to ask him if he liked olives or gagged when he brushed his teeth but whatever assface. What was that name I used recently? Anus McManus. Oh well. No one will ever know, Mr Anus.

But anyway, Ti West is back with some A24 money for his independent shit and he sets it back in the 70s when reel to reel porn was becoming a deal even though I’ve never seen a porn but some actors get up into their 70s costumes and their 70s hair n’ makeup and go to a barn out in a field by a lake and do some porn shootin’ in a cabin out by the lake; a set that has no lights whatsoever, not even the fucking moon but the pond does have an alligator even though I’ve been to Houston a couple of times and wait, let’s not be lazy. One sec.

Here we go:

That’s kind of what I thought but, ok, sure, ok. So there’s some folks in their Hair n Makeup and some old folks in theirs and a pond with an alligator that– has– to — eat– something—sometimes– often right? OK so these folks and these old folks and someone has a movie makin’ recorder and a boom mic and a colored dude with a big, giant cock, I guess and these chicks show their boobs and their ribs because that’s what kind of figures they have and mmm hmmm mmmm hmmmm and hmmm errmmmm someone plays a guitar and then in life our friends showed up to help open the pool for the summer (I have a broken foot so I can’t help) and the movie was getting almost too boring for even me and I paused it and fuck there was another 45 or so minutes left and nothing interesting had happened.

By the end of this thing – without doing spoilers – nothing really interesting ever happened and the whole premise behind what did happen was just kind of stupid, in my opinion and A24 really got me for my 6 bucks because that whole movie was just like that dude’s non-working weiner. A dud. Or was it his heart? Either way. I wish I had liked this movie better but there was really nothing there to like. And the horror elements of it were so dark I couldn’t see shit so I guess I missed out on that too. Squish squish I think. And I don’t mean the supposed jizz coming out of that guy’s supposed big dick.

But here we remain and every piece of promo I see is the face of this lady above either screaming her fucking brains out like some kid at the grocery store or moaning all over the place because this is a movie called X and it’s about porn and maybe she just female jizzed all over the place because Ti West is so fucking clever. When this first came out and I saw people talking about how good it is on Twitter, everyone was all ‘Mia Goth this!’ and ‘Mia Goth that!’ and that name sounded really familiar but I couldn’t remember her for shit even when I looked her up so there’s that but I also thought it was weird that all of the posters and shit of whatshername giving the Big Scream because she’s that scared doesn’t even seem to be Goth. Goth seems to be the one without the eyebrows:

Screaming O Lady appears to be this other girl that I don’t recognize from anywhere but, important to the story here, she has a big change of heart in the middle if the big porn shoot and wants some of that smoking hot cock we mentioned earlier which somehow sets off all the killing over the last murky and unlit hour of this thing. Is it her coming into her own sexually because she’s free to explore the new things or is it these sex filming degenerates from Deep Texas that awakens the sexual urges of an 80 year old lady who, SPOILER SPOILERS, goes around murdering people in the night because she’s horny? And somehow incredibly strong. And horny as fuck.

After my disappointment in watching this, I went back to the misleading trailer to see how I could have been so duped. All of the scenes at night had been lightened, I guess digitally, so I could actually see shit in the trailer and at one point the old man I never really saw in the actual movie says something or other about how the full moon makes his wife act strange. So the full moon gives this feeble and decrepit old lady The Horns ? *side glances * What does that have to do with the guy in the basement? Why does the old man lock the girl in the basement if the old lady wants some good Hard Pee Pee Action? Why were they killing everyone? Why was there a fucking alligator there? Why was everything so blurry and dark? None of this made any fucking sense or, probably, I just didn’t get it or missed something.

Let’s just go with the second one. I’m sure I missed something. Oh BTW – it seems there’s a prequel being made about how the old lady got to be how she is. The other night Mrs Film Miasma was out of town so I was in bed getting ready for sleep and watching and old Cheers. In it, Diane wrote a paper about – basically – how horny Sam always is and she called it “Satyrism” so here’s your Film Miasma Educational Piece Of The Week^TM or FMEPOTW^TM if you want to put this on your local TV show:

Noun. satyrism (uncountable) An extremely high or excessive libido in men or boys.

and (note, I copied and pasted>text below to take out the 200 links in there and took out the case study since it was 11 pages long) (and I didn’t spell correct a single word in it):

A sexual deviation in males consisting of an excessive or insatiable desire for gratification.The terms “excessive” and “insatiable” are difficult to define since there are wide variations in the intensity and frequency of the sex urge among normal people. Most men have a strong desire for intercourse between one and six times a week, but there are men who engage in sexual relations as much as several times a day for long periods without appearing to be abnormal. The criteria for satyriasis can therefore not be based merely on frequency of sexual activity. More important is the urgency of the impulse. In a true case, the man appears to be in the grip of a continuous, uncontrollable drive, and centers his whole life around this one form of gratification. The term priapism has been used as the equivalent of satyriasis, though it is now more often applied to a persistent erection due to organic disease rather than sexual desire. (Priapism derives from Priapus, the Greek god of procreation.)The question is why this excessive impulse occurs. The answer appears to be that the satyriasist is not physiologically “oversexed,” but uses this activity to satisfy intense emotional needs. These needs are usually on an unconscious level and vary considerably from individual to individual. One man may need constant reassurance of potency because of inner doubts about his adequacy. Another may engage in excessive heterosexual activity as an unconscious attempt to deny a latent homosexual trend. (This is frequendy the case with the “Don Juan” type.) Still another may carry on a dozen affairs at once as a means of warding off anxiety stemming from emotional conflict, or as an escape from threatening home or business problems. A fourth may be compensating for feelings of failure, disappointment, or frustration. Others must keep proving that they are attractive to women because they believe they are undersized, homely, or socially inept And, according to some psychoanalysts, men who seek conquest after conquest may be unconsciously avenging themselves against all women for disappointment experienced with their mother in early life.Many of these men not only engage in excessive sexual activity, but become obsessed with the subject of sex to a point where it dominates their entire thinking and conversation. It may even displace all other interests and interfere with their pursuit of a living. Such men are urgently in need of psychological treatment directed toward readjustment of the entire personality. Interview therapy and psychoanalytic techniques are generally employed in discovering the roots of the problem and helping the patient to resolve his conflicts and achieve greater emotional security. See EROTOMANIA.Recent research has disclosed a specific control center for the sexual driveat the base of the brain, in a structure called the amygdala. If this center is destroyed by disease or blocked off by surgery, the result is an abnormal sex drive. It is possible that damage to the amygdala is a causal factor in some cases of satyriasis, but so far there has not been sufficient medical evidence to draw any positive conclusions. See AMYGDALA, NYMPHOMANIA.

And here’s a likeness I found of someone that matches that description looking for the nearest porn shoot out on some humid land in Texas:

FILED UNDER: AT LEAST THEY TRIED