Just look at that baby in the poster… if that doesn’t scream quality then I don’t know what does.

None but The Righteous are called to live in The Principal. No wait that’s not right for this one. Thou have called me Mighty and … No, no. I’m the guy that’s gonna save your ass!? Hmmmmm. Will you please stop rubbing around on me because it’s really hard to concentrate when you’re doing that. I’m the guy who keeps Mr Dead in his pocket. Some guy stole my jacket. How do you like this motherfuckers??? I’m gonna take this foot and kick you that side of the head. Well shit, I just don’t know. Let’s try and come back to that.

There’s an episode from the old, good Doctor Who run from the Tom Baker years called Warrior’s Gate. It’s when he was getting tried of being The Doctor and you could tell they were starting to get ready to phase out the most popular Doctor ever (hello Adric). But this is the one where Romana leaves and it’s actually one of my favorite of his episodes of them all but the point is that that thing starts off with some sort of medieval looking dudes gathering around some sort of wholesome, plump and heavenly feast. They’re all in their armor and glorious capes and beards and then they all die. Later the TARDIS shows up (mind you this is one of the E-Space episodes), The Doctor looks around, probably flips his scarf over his neck, poofs on his hair and mutters “Entropy…”

Howling V starts off kinda the same way except someone kills everyone and then they commit suicide but realize they’ve left some baby off screen crying its fucking brains out. “We hath fucketh it upeth,” the guys whispers as he dies. Verily.

500 years later a bunch of people are summoned to Hungary to visit a castle that’s been boarded up and shit for – 500 years. The reasons behind this summoning kind of escape me but they’re all there for a nice feast and probably some penis insertion here and there and then it snows like a real mother fucker and they’re all trapped and getting murdered. Presumably by a werewolf that people in this particular castle killed off – 500 years ago. I think it is important of me to make note here that, just like in the previous 4 Howling werewolf movies, there really aren’t any werewolves in this thing.

I would also like to note that, despite how poorly executed this thing is, I guess because it was made in 1989 when almost everything really, really sucked, this is actually kind of a good script with some good character ideas. I really did like this one lady, a Linda Hamilton / sweet talking Melanie Griffith hybrid – she was super cute and had a reasonably decent story behind her.

I won’t go into ALL of the other twelve or so characters but, for some reason, there’s another Australian guy in here who seems to be the Crocodile Sherlock Holmes Dundee guy who’s pretty good and comical, a guy that I thought was Richard E Grant the whole time (it wasn’t) and a lady who IMDB claims I’ve clicked on her link before but I don’t see her in anything I’ve written about so *shrug* It also had a guy in here who I thought was from The Burbs but I was wrong on that point too so I guess, as usual, I suck all around. I can imagine Romana would be doing some of this if she were listening to an audio cast of this blog:

So all of these people go this castle and they all start getting killed. There’s not much more to it than that. All of these people have this birthmark on them that traces them back somehow to that baby crying its fucking brains out 500 years ago. No real werewolves to speak of. No penis insertions. No hoochie boochie. Just some folks in an old castle with some snow imposed over the film and they all die off screen until there’s only a couple of them left. But — it’s really not too bad if you don’t mind shitty resolution, late 80s fashion and no werewolves in your werewolf movie.

I’m not trying to defend it or anything but it’s a ton better than number 4. It’s also better than, say, a urinary tract infection.

FILED UNDER: WEREWOLVES AND SHIT

Because I must: