Has the time gone for me to write about The Northman? Is it now that My Fate has brought me here? Is it time for My Prophecy to be fulfilled? I remember The Witch foretold of this day and here we have become. Yae thou listeners with thy smoke filled lungs, shall I filleth thee with Tales Great and Epic of our Ancestors and Heroes, Kings and Queens, and Devils that come in the Night? Enemies slain and our wolf brethren avenged? Maidens milked and Manhood massaged? Our Hero’s scepter finding Purchase amongst The Seed of – wait. What’s happening here. The Northman, yes. Ethan Hawke and Nicole Kidman’s orgiastic love letter to their Viking lineage. Right?

Maybe! Let’s see if I can tell any truth about this thing.

How many good folks out there with long term memories remember the world wide sensation called True Blood where men and women found their genitals in some sort of vibration over this blond haired dude playing a vampire called Eric Northman? Do we remember further that he was once a Viking whose family was murdered by a bunch of vampires and he swore revenge? And then a vampire admired him so much he turned Northman into a vampire? (I think that’s how it happened). (It’s close). Then he walked the streets of Man drinking blood and fucking everyone for 2000 years?

Well, this is his origin story as rendered , delivered and executed by none other than the beautiful, pleasing and life changing Sound Complexes coming from the being known as Bjork.

Leeeson, she soothes, leeeson to theees taillll of Magicks and The Elde Gods where meeen became volfe and dieeed bevore theee vires ov Hel. I can’t keep doing that on my phone, this shit is difficult enough as is. But she does play a witch! A VVitch you ask? Maybe! This movie sure could have used a lot more Black Phillip.

Anyvay, way back in history, a Northchild waits with his Northmother for his Northfather to come home from his raping and pillaging. Soon, home, his Northfather is betrayed by his own Northbrother and killed right there in fucking front of him. Well, not quite because the Northchild is hiding behind a rock but he sees the whole goddammed thing and runs his Northass away swearing to avenge everyone.

By the next scene he’s grown into his young Northbody and has become the Northman and goes off to fulfill his destiny of revenge and murder. Along the way I could mostly and really care less and kept thinking about something else that I’ll get to later.

One thing that I do like a lot and kept thinking about also was Anya Taylor Joy:

OOOPS – here she is:

I think she’s kind of a hot act with her big eyes but I couldn’t believe in her accent for a second and it was really distracting. But, aside from all of that shit I wrote up above, the whole time, I kept thinking about this;

A long long time ago I made a book review blog but i never kept it up because off the whole “I’m a lazy fucker” motif and atmosphere I have going on my whole post Level 40 life but I’ve been reading a lot lately and thought about doing something out here but then this is about moving pictures and my OCD and but I and oh shit and I probably won’t but I’ve read some good things lately and I just put five ‘but’s in one sentence! I rule!

The Wake – well wait – I don’t know shit about British History other than what Classic Doctor Who taught me so I don’t know much about the subject matter in The Wake other than what’s on the back cover and something about The Normand invasion and how it changed everything in Britain forever because The Flemish and The French and whatnot did so much raping and killing that everything was changed forever. This happened in 1066 according to the book and the words in the book are all very hard to read because they’re written in a sort of Olde English that the author twerked a little so people could semi understand it without being some sort of asshole that can read Olde English but it’s still really hard to follow – BUT – I loved it and would go all the way with it if it wasn’t a book.

If you can get through it – it’s not easy for a dummy like myself – you can follow the adventures of an Olde English man as his village (ham) is pillaged, his Wife (wifman) is raped (fucced) and killed and he sets out for revenge. He uses words like wyrm a lot, also asol and wesol and scramsax and fugol but, you can get it and it’s really well done with something pretty fucking awesome that happens in the last few pages that I wasn’t expecting whatsofuckingever.

But – the guy in Th Wake was all I could really think of the entire time I watched The Northman.

I can’t find a good GIF of it but something – maybe the only thing that I really, really liked in The Northman happens in the last minute or so but it’s kind of like this:

Do I think someone copied someone else? no – not at all, I just think the similarities are there and that’s that. I probably liked The Wake much better even if it didn’t have pictures of Taylor-Joy scattered throughout.

Here she is again, disapproving of everything I’ve ever done:

But, talking about moving pictures and my smelling writing, it was good, The Northman. I think I liked The VVitch a lot better and I never finished The Lighthouse because it was so noisy and loud and I wasn’t liking it even a little bit. I like watching the Black Phillip movie and turn it on every now and then but I doubt I’ll ever watch this again – but hey – how about a B + for effort and for some wicked nice sets and props the crew put together?

FILED UNDER: THEY ALMOST MADE IT TO THE HAPPY ENDING