OOOF. Yikes. Arf. Bloop blort plop. This one was tough to get through. A real stinker you might say if you were old like me. Shite. Bollocks. Bag of puke. Douchebag. Anus McManus. The Rectum. A very poorly executed piece of work. A poor decision to make this one. Do you remember in the early days of work email when you could bet away with things and every now and then that email with the picture of the weightlifter with his guts hanging out of his ass would pop up when you didn’t expect it? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT? That little shock in your Wednesday morning was about as fun as this, honestly. Man this was so tucking boring and it had shit to do with fuck and OMG it was almost two hours long and did I just say it had shit to do with fuck? I’m calling that one. Film Miasma new TM. If only more than two people read out here we could get that trending. Maybe we could get on the Jimmy Fallon show. “This topic of the day really doesn’t have shit to do with fuck.”

Maybe.

The last one took place in Eastern Europe and had something to do with werewolf bloodlines and was mildly entertaining. This one is set in some town outside of some place like Tarzana they made up to look dusty and includes an English guy, another English guy, a guy with a lady’s boob and a bunch of other shit that sucks. Something about a werewolf or something, I think a vampire, an election, and I think a guy who eats bugs. And some dopey 90s filler music. This whole thing was a hunk of shit. Let’s talk about it! Yay!

This opens with some blond running through the sand with her teddy bear. Something’s chasing her. Shit! She’s dead! Show some guy walking down one of those hot, mirage-y highways. He’s got a briefcase.And a teddy bear. He’s disheveled! He must have committed murder earlier in this movie and stole someone’s property, right? And to top things off, we find out he’s fucking British. He must be a murdering twat. He’s probably a werewolf too – he’s disheveled, see. Must be. Cunt.

That’s the vampire guy above- FYI. I also think that might be a cravat. Maybe. I’m a little behind on my cravat remembering.

Eventually he makes his way into this dusty, hot town, like Rambo, and everyone hates him so he takes refuge at the local run down and derelict church where a convenient hot blond girl lives with her sweaty décolletage and her preacher daddy. Blah blah everyone somehow suddenly knows how to do advanced wood working, blah blah sweaty PG 13 chests and then blah blah a carnival rolls into town blah blah blah shit. somehow someone’s a werewolf and someone else is some sort of blue vampire and some guy has four arms and some other guy had a lady’s boob and some other stuff. Eventually there’s a big showdown in a tent and someone melts and it’s all pretty stupid and almost two hours long.

Believe it or not there are some faces in here you might know from other places because everyone has to start somewhere even if it’s Howling 6 but everything here is very poorly done by any standards. I know the old saying that every movie is someone’s favorite movie but I can’t imagine this would be high on anyones list at all. There’s this big dramatic part where English werewolf guy is trapped in a cage goddamming the other English bastard for trapping him there like some common tucking animal. The cage bars are so wobbly and fake that it’s really hard to even listen to the poor acting taking place. Or when this one fucker isn’t getting his way so he just becomes a blue bulletproof vampire thing and flips over a truck. Or when the poorly prosthetic-ed werewolf is having a scratch fight with vampire guy and a hole rips in the top of the tent so vampire turns to dust. guess he wasn’t much of a threat, really. Also: he’d been out in the sun most of the movie so…

That’s the werewolf – FYI.

So – this movie sucks. What else can we do here. How about some call-outs? You might know our actor-cum-werewolf from such things as Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat, Leela or 1234, his name is Brendan Hughes. The Indian fellow with the extra set of arms (good for fixin’ illegal, tent poker games) has actually been in a shitload of things; Deep Roy he goes by and you’ve probably caught him in things like: well, he’s actually in a whole lot of shit you’ve seen (you’ll recognize him when you inevitably watch this. Our vampire friend is also kind of famous – he’s got almost 100 credits on his page and you’d probably know him from looking like this in various British or European things:

But even still, there’s nothing good about this sucker. IF I had to be positive, I might say that I liked that blond girl I mentioned sometime earlier and it’s not just because of her sweaty shoulder area. She seems like the type of actress who looked cute and got a recurring role on Mr Belvedere and tried to do a movie and got unlucky with this one but even though she’s just there to look pretty and be the preacher’s daughter and say things like “Oh no! But he’s still a man!” or “Boy mister I sure am virginal I was you’d giveth me your sweaty penith as I’m just a poor pastor’s daughter and there’s no other boys or men in this shitty town” (that’s not sic) without actually having to bare her teets on screen – she seemed real nice.

But, in the end, this movie really sucked it, it was almost two full hours and it was a real pain to get through. The constant synth music throughout was irritating and the werewolf / vampire / freak prosthetics and costumes were – well – I thought they were terrible. Like my posts. But – since I do try, let’s point out that I am probably wrong about the whole cravat thing. It seems, and my memory is returnin, that a cravat is more akin to a neck tie:

But your man was probably wearing something more like this:

That garment comes with this title: Marcus Regency Shirt with Removable Jabot – White – and this description:

Dear chap, our Marcus Jabot Shirt is perfect for transacting business about town if you ever happen to be transported back to the Regency era. Just add a pair of fall-front breeches, a cutaway jacket and perhaps a top hat and you’ll be the ideal man of the early 1800s.

Fashioned in rayon viscose with a slight sheen and an elegant drape, this shirt buttons up the front and features full gathering at the yoke. The elasticized cuffs are double ruffled, with the under-layer made from a fine lace. The lace-accented jabot is attached to the collar and removable, revealing a tidy high collar which you can add your own neckwear to.

So there, Film Miasma: Always Truthful, Always Educational, Always Fancy.

FILED UNDER WEREWOLVES AND SHIT