the strange color of your body’s tears (2013)

Well. Here we are with this. When I first queued this up to watch at some point in the future of that time in the past when I was queueing up things to watch, this Giallo homage promised a sleek and updated return to the twisty and weirdness of those 70s movies complete with some of those naked Europeans and maybe even some blood, scotch and rotary phones I remembered from my childhood. On the date I queued this up, I was not employed and had a lot of time on my hands and had good intentions of reveling in some sort of filmmaking – ahem – pastiche – where we could – oh wait – what the fuck am I going on about – I had to rent it and this was a bunch of fucking French art bullshit and I paused it and my rental expired and I’m not going to rent it again.

I got through about 30 minutes of it and I hated it so much I needed a break early and then – right – my rentalexpired and I had to go back to work the next day and since my movie watchin’ time is limited these days, I’m not going back in. Here’s a summary of what I saw:

some French guy is on an airplane
a spirally painted vinyl record spins
some woman is nude
a man makes a phone call
someone touches the nude woman with a glove
a man leaves a message on a voicemail machine
a nipple is shown
a man gets into a car
a record spins

some eyes:

elsewhere: an old couple have sex
the old man hears a noise
the old couple have sex
the man hears a noise
the man is now inside the ceiling
“i’m up here” he says in French
the woman hands him some matches
some blood drips in her goddammed eyeball
that French asshole from the plane is on the roof of his apartment with a naked lady
someone is recording something, clicking buttons and switches uncontrollably, like some sort of asshole

And that was the first 20 minutes or so. I hate to be a lazy movie watcher and movie writer but I’m super lazy and don’t want to go back into this. At least when I watch something totally shitty like Howling 7 it’s free. I don’t need some sort of high art fuckshit. High art fuckshit. That reminds me of The Neon Demon. Do you remember that fucking thing? Jesus what a load of shit. I wonder if I can find what I wrote about that thing however long ago. One sec.

(hours later)

Here you go, full of spoilers!

This chick moves to L.A. to become a model. She meets other models who don’t eat food. They stare and stare and stare and stare and the camera moves in sweeping circles for two hours. Then Keanu Reeves rapes and kills a teenage girl off-screen, the blond chick moves in with Jena Malone who tries to rape her, she refuses, so the three models kill her, eat her and then bathe in her blood. There’s also some corpse desecration and a woman has a period that fills up the floor of an entire room. Two images above, that girl who looks like she’s in anguish? She screams for several minutes and then throws up a fully intact eyeball that would have been in her stomach acids for quite some time. Then she kills herself and someone eats the eyeball out of her pile of puke.

I couldn’t find whatever image I mentioned up there because that was the old days of wordpress and the image is gone but it probably had something to do with something like this below, or maybe not, i hated that fucking movie and looking at pictures of it made me angry.

How did this load of shit come from the guy who did Drive? I mean, I guess I know people who didn’t like Drive but I sure did. I remember when I first watched it, I was lying there on the couch, next to a fire on a snowy day and I thought it was boring as fuck and then this scene happened:

and i was all whuuuuuut and I thought it was pretty kick ass from then on. Hey! But you know what I liked the most?? Here’s a one line with only a colon because I’m special –

:

but I like Cage a lot – pretty much in anything I’ve seen him in. Please note I haven’t seen all of his movies… but – regarding this – I would like to drink beer out of someone’s skull before I die. Would I? That actually sounds kind of gross. And unclean. HMMM –

No one reads this really but of the few of you who do – you know how when I like something a lot I offer to Make Out with the movie even though you can’t really? Can I threaten and vow my revenge against a movie?

NEON DEMON I WILL TRACK YOU DOWN AND I WILL CORNER YOU AND I WILL MAKE YOU PAY YOU MOTHER FUCKER AND BEFORE I’M DONE WITH YOU I’LL TAKE YOUR BEATING HEART AND STICK IT DOWN SOMEONE’S UNDERWEAR SO THEY CAN SHIT THEIR PANTS ON IT AND THEN I’LL DRINK MY BEER OUT OF YOUR FUCKING SKULL AND I’LL ENJOY EVERY MISERABLE LAST DROP YOU’RE THE ONE WHOSE DICK LOOKS LIKE GARY COLEMAN YOU GREASY POLYPY PIECE OF ROTTEN SHIT GO BACK TO BRUSSELS!

Love,

Film Miasma

THE STRANGE COLOR OF YOUR BODY’S TEARS FILED UNDER: CRAP
THE NEON DEMON FILED UNDER: WORSE THAN THE DRAFT BEER SHITS
DRIVE FILED UNDER: FUCK YEAH SON
DRIVE ANGRY FILED UNDER: FUCK YEAH SON

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