Let’s see here – how do I put this professionally? Because I’m classy. Here you go – what a load of shit. For real. The first 9 minutes of this are actually pretty cool and then it all just immediately fizzles out and shits itself. From the incessant and horrible whooooooooooooops and wheeeeeeess and soft clangs and whistles from the music department or the sound effects people – for real they sound like something out of an old 3D Danny TV show or maybe even farther back like the intro cartoon to an FDR Fireside Chat – they are SO IRRITATING that it was terribly hard to even take this thing seriously for even a whole minute before they started up again. Much like this blog.

I guess I got the point when the ‘hey-here’s-the-overweight-guy-with-the-bad-brains-sitting-around-drooling-and-eating-lemons-and-watching-old-Popeye-cartoons’ character was listening to the whips and whoozits of a slide whistle and someone maybe popping their finger out of their cheek over and over and over but seriously – shut it up. Then, for a few minutes, everyone actually tunred in to a live action Popeye bunch of characters and it got even dumber. “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today” yuck yuck here put your hand down my pants so I can’t poop in it. Whee whistle whistle clunk plop fizzoo! Clang clang pop!

Oh – and your favorite girl from Girls – Lena Dunham – shows up towards the end as a blithering person with no arms or legs who lives in a box and rolls her eyes a lot. I can’t really imagine the pitch for this one… “It’s like Boxing Helena.” “Oh, OK, I’m a millennial and don’t get that one. I’ll do it!”

See, somewhere up in New England, these two people and their cows have been eating fucked up wheat so they’ve gone shit for brains. In a twist that only the Tragedies would truly TRULY appreciate, a botanist rolls into town to study wheat with her douchey boyfriend, gets lost and they end up in the lair of the bad brained lady and her doomed guy-that-watches-Popeye-son if he’s really that. Guess what, he’s not. He’s some random guy that (I think) ran across Dunham in her box out in a random barn, got trapped in a bear trap and the old lady and her old man have been eating the meat off of his fat ass for whoever knows how long and now they’ve started eating his face cheeks. “When the bottom ran out we went up top,” she explains. Oh – and he’s dumb in the head because the old guy in the overalls knows how to do lobotomies. Oh – and he can’t seem to give Dunham’s character sperm for a grandbaby so he’s just fucking useless now.

Thank the gods of the east that there’s the douchey boyfriend around. Guess who’s really in luck?? Dunham’s limbless-ness.

Can you make out that picture? I barely can – let’s see if I have any magicks up my sleeve. Hey! Here we go!

Oh shit! “I saw the light! I ate your butt meat and took in your semen!!! SEMEN!!”

Fun with colors.

Back to this – since it’s nice to say nice things – I did think the botany lady did a good job and seemed like she cared and tried:

Maybe the old lady did too but it was really hard to pay any attention with the whooooooooos and ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiips and boddidy boddidy boddidy boddidy sounds going on every time something moved on screen. Fridge door opens? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzeee! Someone cuts asparagus? Clong clong zorp zee whip! A modern police car rolls into the background? OOOGA OOOGA BEEP BEEP WHIRRRRRR!

But hey! Some of the outside shots looked awful nice:

In the end, I’ll have to file this in the rarely used folder: ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF