I suppose I’m obligated to come out and say this in the intro: I never really liked any of these movies honestly. I saw the first one when it came out in the theater and didn’t really care. Same with the second and the the third was lame and then one was in space and one was in the past and one had Craig Scheffer I think and one had Kari Wurher who I was totally in love with as a kid and one had some new actor as Pinhead and it was awful and I just thought they all sucked. “I’ll tear your soul apart” said someone and never tore anyone’s soul apart and “your suffering will be legendary even in hell” said someone and I don’t think that happened either so really I was just never really interested and didn’t care. Kind of like the Chucky movies and most of the Nightmares … but hey I really liked this new one!

Well – I don’t know if I really liked it but I liked it the best of all of these things. It was definitely more modern and less stupid and didn’t feel like someone put me in a room with no air circulation opened their anus and left. I could have done without the European guy but I really liked the lead girl and the new Pinhead lady even though she’s really not in it for too many minutes. I also liked that I learned something new – I wrote about the first one a long time ago and got publicly shamed for calling that box “the box” when it’s properly called The Lament Configuration (really I did) – so this movie told me that there are different shapes the box can take and they all have different names do/ good to know! Now may my suffering end??

No

Oh wait! That’s not in this one.

This one! So the lead is a dead beat drunky who doesn’t mind some pills. Neither does her boyfriend who also likes to steal shit. one night they steal a box out of a safe out of a warehouse and it’s gold plated and one other night she gets angry and tucked up and the box – uh – switchblades out this hook looking thing and it cuts her and some pale, rubber and pain types come out of the shadows wanting something for their troubles so they tear her brother’s soul apart.

I actually thought this was pretty well done and it kept me engaged the whole time unlike some other things I may or may not have mentioned on this blog Goodnight Mommy Orphan First Kill Lou Men The Munsters The Midnight Club. But I think one thing that brought this all together was the directing by David Bruckner who everyone probably forgot did part one in The Signal back in 2007. 2007???? Jesus! *faints

*regains composure*

THE SIGNAL (2007)

Boy did I love this mother gooser when it first came out. It was super violent, somewhat funny and – aside form the third part) really worked for me. I believed in the characters, the three POV plot made sense and, well, I guess it didn’t give me an STD or anything so there’s always that. Do you remember it?

These two people wake up after what I assume is a night of solid humping and rubbing on each other and the TV is going apeshit like hypnotoad. According to their dialogue, the woman is cheating on her old man like some sort of 70s country song and she’s gotta get home before he gets pissed. “Don’t go” he says, “let’s get out of town and start over”. “OK Maybe” she replies and leaves, presumably leaving him there in his sheets full of sex juice. What I really liked about this scene, aside from coming up with that last reference is that the camera follows her out and down the hall while she’s listening to – GASP – an ipod and she doesn’t see or hear all of the people killing each other behind her. Tehn someone pulls her into a closet.

The second part is what got me – it’s funny, violent and made me think I could write a screenplay. Which I tried. Whereas and wherein so much of wherewhich I failed. BUT! At least I tried and – if nothing else – I made a movie poster.

Oh nostalgia! The Signal and Raising Hell. In that poster [NAME REDACTED] is carrying a fake leg covered in stage blood, I still have that thing in the back of my car – it’s a crack up when I used to open the back up to put groceries in there and people walking by would see it. I wish I still had the movie footage that we took. Or I wish I could find it. *cry face*

WHO’S YOUR MOMMY!! WHO’S YOUR MOMMY!!

[NAME REDACTED] screaming that out as she (pretend) banged that guy from behind – that was better than half the movies I’ve seen this year. god damn that was fun.

So – Hellraiser – the newest one – I liked it. Probably more than all the rest of them honestly but I’m not some Hellraiser purist or something.

THE SIGNAL AND HELLRAISER FILED UNDER: THEY ALMOST MADE IT TO THE HAPPY ENDING

RAISING HELL MODELS GRUNTING AND SCREAMING WHO’S YOUR MOMMY: FUCK YEAH SON