Do you remember that time you were watching that movie and it was going pretty good but it seemed like it might be the daughter of It Follows and maybe it would be some sort of let down in the end but then out of the fucking blue and you never saw that coming and that guy ripped his own face off and it was completely fucking awesome and you didn’t really know if it could get better really but than out of the tucking blue someone went and ripped their own face off too and that just did it for real and god damn that was what you needed and you loved it the most??? Smile!

Remember when you were finally old enough to move out of your mom’s house and you got that rent house with those two friends who were both working at the liquor delivery warehouse at the time and they met some guy who kept coming over to drink beer and hang around and all he ever said was “that old gray mare just ain’t what she used to be” over and over and over all the fucking time and you hated it and then one day all four of us were outside make hamburgers on the grill and that fucker ZZZZZZZIIIIIIP WHOOSH fizzled into a pile of ashes like spontaneous combustion and we all freaked the fuck out and after we calmed down we buried what was left of him in the backyard? Smile!!

Remember when your friend lived in Dallas and worked at an independent record company and you went down there with another guy for their Christmas party because you were assured you’d get to meet the Toadies and when you got down there the three of you picked up some chicks at a bar and took a bunch of percosets or some shit and drank a bunch of beer and rumplemintz shots and you woke up the next day on a hotel couch, with one of the ladies but you were both fully clothed and you were also wearing a feather boa that you had no idea where it came from or any idea what happened at the party and your friend who lived in Dallas said that “you fucks were too fucked up on pills and passing out at the party that he was too embarrassed to introduce us to the band so he kicked us out and had no idea what happened to us after that” but somehow you ended up on a couch with a boa around your neck? Smile!!!

Remember when you were the first Apu Punchau? And then you shifted to the Hand? That was so long ago. Smile!

Remember that time in the restaurant when the assistant manager you – well wait – remember in the restaurant that there was always a 50 gallon bucket full of uncooked pinto beans they would eventually use to make refried beans and one time the guy you worked with was dumping a couple of 50 bags of beans in the bucket and he asked you if you’d ever put your hands deep in the bucket full of beans and you said something like ‘no that sounds stupid Terry’ and he said it makes you feel like you’re drowning and your body starts to panic and ‘it’s a real rush bro’ so you did it and freaked out and a couple of weeks later you told the new fry cook to try it sometime and one day you came to work the next morning and he was half in the barrel and half out like he had stuck his top half in there and got trapped and his legs were hanging over the back and he was dead and now every SINGLE FUCKING TIME EVER you see beans you see his face in them staring at you, haunting you from beyond wherever or however he was buried? Smile!!

Remember that girl you met who said she had a bird in her stomach and you asked “do you mean a baby?” and she said “no I really think it’s a bird” and she let you feel her belly and something was really in there moving around and poking your hand from the inside?? Smile!!

Remember when you and your class transitioned to what we call ‘high school’ here in The States and you were warned, sternly, about the guy they called Pig Killer who hit that name cuz some girl he was balling broke up with him so he cut a pigs head off and put it on her car and he’d fucking kill you uou fucking sophomore and then he showed up in your Art class and there he was all fucking muscly and evil and pissed off, drinking lighter fluid and eating light bulbs and way over at your table you and your table people were just messing around one day and someone had some pliers and you were tucking around and somehow managed to bend a penny I guess because you have big hands and long fingers and lots of torque and that was cool and someone asked Pig Killer if he could do it with his giant pig killing muscles and his guts full of hate and he couldn’t and some said “Eric did” and now he new your fucking name and that you existed and you now knew Fear? Remember that??? Smile motherfucker!!

SMILE FILED UNDER: FUCK YEAH, SON