In theory I’ve been working a blog since 2011 but it wasn’t always this one. I quit that old one because it attracted too many shitbags and I was trying to put something out every day which meant I wasn’t doing very good writing (not that I do now) and I had assloads more time on my hands to watch things and type shit up about them (literally). I never wanted to watch screeners but I watched two and I hated them both but the director was cool with it and was a good sport in the comments with everyone. In general it was real fun except for the deadlines I made for myself by trying to post everyday which gave me a goddammed ulcer and eventually I turned that thing off and took five years off. The purpose of that bullshit is that aside from filling posts with pictures of barely nude ladies, I never felt like I did anything to intentionally draw people outside of the blog community to me – like writing things I didn’t agree with or using words like ‘master class’ and ‘divisive’ and any sort of French film school word that would make me puke. It drove me fucking crazy that some of these blog friends of mine gave EVERYTHING they watched super high scores and got pissed when they didn’t get a million hits overnight and companies weren’t sending them suitcases full of money and then good talented people quit. All my love Film Hipster and Film Grimoire and Gore Girl and Sporadic Chronicles and Cinema Schminema. My point is that even though I’ve set the standard as low as it can go I have some principles even though they’re dodgy, like me.

Where was I going with this horseshit? Oh yes – while I’ve never considered my shit to be what they call clickbait, I have in the past gone balls out (or balls deep) and openly dared filmmakers to use quotes from my site(s) in their marketing materials like posters or dvd covers or on their tv spots but no one ever did because they are all chickenshit and scared. Who wouldn’t want the free press of blurbs like “this movie is worse than shitting yourself during a work meeting “ or “I’d like to rub my face in that thing” or “HOT DAMN THIS THING’S GOT GREAT BALLS OF FIRE LIKE MY UNDERWEAR BACK IN COLLEGE!!” or “I feel like I’ve been watching this movie from its closet for 30 years” or “this thing might give you bronchial cancer and leave your widow penniless” or “someone just ripped a fart in church and its name is ____________”. I think I offered up that last one to a movie called The Orphan Killer but they didn’t bite. But no one’s ever taken me up on my offers and aside from my hurt feelings and Public Shame, I go on.

For what we’ve gathered around the fire for today, I’ve seen a few blogs and some folks on Twitter and even the promo materials use terms like these for this movie: GROTESQUE, HORRIFYING, A MASTERCLASS IN TERROR, DIVISIVE, REPULSIVE, UNLIKE ANYTHING ELSE, YOU’LL NEVER RECOVER, etc etc etc regarding the end of this thing so I had to see what these folks were talking about and spoiler: I’m going to spoil the fuck out of this movie soon.

From my perspective, I thought this movie started out all right and then got super tense – I sure did. And then, I know you’re smart, I’m not but I know you are – something happens and even someone dumb like me could see where this was going. The little boy does something and you can point yourself in the direction of where this thing is going, surely, so that’s taking out most of the mystery of how this is probably going to end up for at least someone here. Right. This is going to sound similar but there’s a point – remember a few years ago when things came out about Michael Jackson and suddenly everyone was all ”I’m never listening to his music again”. It’s not the same type of thing going on in this movie but…… didn’t you kinda suspect something there with Jackson….? Didn’t you just kinda think maybe something was… well… suspicious? Just a little maybe? Like that couldn’t be really that surprising, right? Really? Anyway, I bet good money you’ll see where this is going a little early which is going to demystify this grotesque and sphincter exploding ending everyone keeps going about unless maybe they suddenly go to a live feed and start ripping out their own hearts and eating them raw or something. Maybe. Maybe?

So things are going on and that kid has no tongue and you’re getting it and they try to escape for gods sake and someone drives into a ditch OMG and he goes to some house and when he gets back they steal the daughter and cut her tongue out and give her to some stranger in the woods and then now must come the gruesome and terrifying part right so they get the other couple out of the car and make them strip nude and go down a hill and they throw rocks at them and they die right there naked. I suppose it was kind of unexpected and, I guess it was kind of sad but the whole thing is fucked out of believability when this happens : “why are you doing this??” “Because you let us.” That’s ne of the Film Miasma Pillars of Movie Taints^TM. Another thing that really fucking bothered me is that YOU CAN’T TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF OVER YOUR SHOES even if you’re in Holland or wherever and when they made these two strip no one took off their shoes so it was further ruined. But yeah I guess it was sad that happened to those two, that would be a sucky way to go.

In the end, I guess this is better than picking weeds all day, worrying about that wool concern you inherited from your great grandfather, fishing out a raccoon that drowned in your well water or whyfuckingwhy your date column won’t sort chronologically in PowerBI but I don’t think this is going to be the worst or most grotesque thing you’ll ever see in your life. Unless maybe this is the first or second movie you’ve ever watched.

FILED UNDER: AT LEAST THEY TRIED

FILM MIASMA POSTER BLURB: BETTER THAN DRINKING SCOTCH IN THE MORNING AND FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS AFTER LUNCH