feet. armpits. a couple of mustachioed men balancing on top of each other, skull to skull. loud germans – do you like these things? I would like the balancing guys but I really didn’t like this movie even if only one of those things really show up in here – the loud Germans part. Maybe it’s just the way the language seems to have to he spoken to get everything enunciated, I really don’t know because I’ve never tried speaking it but I wonder if I’ve ever heard a German man whisper, maybe they all do. Maybe everything is bold as they – um – endeavor forward in their fornicational pursuits. I don’t know. In this movie the men are very loud, the women – the Wombed Sex – scream a lot and the strings or whatever those sound effects were caused me ears a little harm. Someone also gets his German weiner ripped off and there’s an orgy that won’t get you in the mood for love, but hey, just because it wasn’t for me doesn’t mean it’s not for you!

“Hoch dein!” Someone shouts at me, loading his Luger. “Ach and nein!” “Doppelgänger ein Strauss!”

Uhhhhhhhhhmmmmmm there’s a man and a woman trapped for eternity in an old castle. Or are they trapped? Is it just their lives and how they live. Forever. And ever. Watching different versions of themselves living in the castle with, I presume, no heating or air conditioning. Something about a wine cellar. Something about a door. Something about a guy getting his dong pulled off. Something about a movie. Something about someone with light coming out of their eyes. Someone is finally happy. It is over and I am not excited about this. ““Prepare to rest in pieces!!”” Someone screams, face contorted, pulling a grenade off of his belt, ready to throw it at me. “NEIN!!”

When I saw the promotional material for this I immediately thought of giallo (of which I quite like) and pressed play on this thing and it popped up very 60s-ish with a couple of Germans (I think) outside some abandoned castle, moping about something or other and this and that. The man is loud and barky and the woman is forlorn and sad. Inside the castle nothing happens and then someone drops his keys and gets scared by something offscreen. Soon after that some people are talking over the screen and someone is looking at us and someone is maybe or maybe not fondling herself with a candle and someone finds a whip and is going to whip someone else to death and then she calls him a loser and pulls his dick off. Just when you thought the dick pulling was over the scene goes on for some time actually and then it’s revealed that the whole thing is just staged and we’re watching someone make a movie.

That’s great and all I guess but not really and I hate it with all of the moodiness and the dick pulling and blood squirting and then the director says “that’s a wrap great shoot frauleins!” and gives them all LSD. For some reason it seem like LSD is making a comeback in movies and anyone who takes any immediately turns into a raging, murdering sex pervert and dances to strobe lights for hours on end even though I took a lot of the stuff back in the 90s and nothing like that ever happened to me so I wonder what kind they’re giving out over there in Europe. Then there’s some sort of orgy and everyone burns alive or something and there’s allusions to that candle again or something else and then no one’s really dead and the focus has shifted to these other two people and their eternal-ness in that castle and humph and i was really getting dicked around trying to pay any attention.

Then it ends and I didn’t like any of it at all. I get it – I guess I think I do – but I can’t explain it and for a dumb ass like me that’s not a great sell for a movie. I was having enough of a hard time being interested and then for some reason someone’s a vampire and then the orgy and then things go backwards and I suppose it’s a million times better than A Wounded Fawn but what do I fucking know anyway?. I hope everyone had fun and they all made millions of Marks and they all live happily ever after in a Bavarian forest but i could do without this one ever again.

The movie made me feel like something here now that is happening to me in real time – since I had my surgery I haven’t been able to be too athletic so – for some unknow reason – who knows – my abdomen has gotten a lot larger than it used to be so I’ve decided to eat healthier and today I went to the grocery store with the good deli and I got a container of what looked like cucumber and yellow bell peppers in some sort of Italian dressing mixture. And onions and tomatoes and some other things. It turns out that it was zucchini and squash in some sort of lemon pepper oil and right now jesus right now my stomach is – um – emulsifying and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to make it to where I need to be why am I being blamed for the death of

TUNE IN MEXT TIME TO SEE IF OUR MAN MADE IT BACK FROM HIS BIG EVENT. AND BY THAT WE MEAN THE WRITER OF THIS BLOG AND THE EVENT BEING THE RESULTS OF EATING TOO MUCH LEMON SQUASH AND MAYBE OR MAYBE NOT HIS CORPSE GETTING JELLIED AND PRESERVED IN OLD JARS DOWN IN YOUR BASEMENT.

Also, coming soon!! :