PAGE 1 PREP:

1 TBSP Parsley
1TBSP Cayenne
1 TBSP Cumin (Comino)
1Tsp Coarse Ground Black Pepper
3 TBSP Iodized Salt
4 Quarts thawed Green Chiles, seeds in
1 Liver (human)
3 cans Hot ‘Ro-tel’
2 Lbs diced prime rib
3 Lb diced carrot
2 Lb diced Idaho potato

Oh wait. That’s a fucking recipe not a menu item. Shitting Christ, I’m an idiot.

I tried to use that thing just above as my header but I couldn’t get the goddammed thing to fit so, isn’t that great? I suck at that too so on with the show.

There we go. Isn’t that a nice looking piece of plate ware? I love it!

What I didn’t love is the movie The Menu. I do like Fiennes and still like Taylor Joy and her long neck and the guy from Fury Road *rolls around in mud screaming ‘best movie ever’* but I didn’t really get this thing so I couldn’t get into it. This is supposed to be making fun of rich people, right? Executive produced by rich people making statement ironies about rich people. And what they eat because they’re rich and uppity and probably trill their fucking Rs like the assholes they are. And play the harp. And summer in Italy with Oprah Winfrey on some mountain where old, blond nuns bring them fresh breads and wine every day. And some of those fancy meats that give normal people the shits. Isn’t that what they do? I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone rich. Wealthy maybe but not “I think I’ll go buy a record company today for my sons Biffer and Caddy. Have you met them? They’re first in their class at Tufts. Myah hand me another extra virgin (olive!) with my martini” rich.

So the rich are making expensive movies making fun of the rich now. I think there’s been quite a few of these the last few years, right? I can’t name them because I usually don’t watch shit I don’t want to but I do like those three actors i mentioned up above. John Leguizamo was good here too and I normally don’t dig him. But, in the end, the end of this one was sorry AF and didn’t rock my lame ass.

I was trying to get into it, preposterous and smug rich assholes and all but there was this one lady with some bangs that really irritated my nerve.

But then it just kept getting suckier and, well, shit. **SPOILERS** This one guy hangs himself because he can’t cook a dinner. One guy gets stabbed somewhere around the nuts for being a philandering cheater and just goes on living. Somehow these bakers have some sort of laser machine that prints out the nastiest things you’ve ever done you sorry fucking son of a bitch up to and including that time you were young but getting older and went to the public swimming pool with your friends and afterwards went to the 7-11 to get some ICEEs because it was so goddammed hot outside and there was a car full of girls next to the car you were in and you were around puberty or so whatever and you got out of the car in your wet swim trunks and you had a ***** you must have been excited and everyone in their car and your car were laughing and pointing at you and that’s on the piece of bread too but it’s Leguizamo’s character’s bread and not some real life experience i mean for real. What else – oh yeah – the chef blows up everyone and they all die except this one lady who was clever and got her food to go. HA HA! She’s a smart one you motherfucker and your face looks like the inside of a thunder pot! BAM that! “FUCK OFF!” she says strolling out of the room past the lady with the bangs and then adds “THIS HAS NOT BEEN TITS!” and flips everyone off. The kind of flip off where you just stick your middle finger up in the air – the classic style not one of those ones where your index finger and your ring finger are kind of up there too but halfway down. Do you know what I mean? Apologies to anyone who really likes the other ones – they’re just not my style.

Speaking of that, very very very recently, in this post, i wrote about someone exclaiming that her experience ‘was not tits.” Back in the 80s when I was living in Southern California, the guys I ran around with started saying things were ‘tits’. This meant ‘cool’ or ‘rad’ and one time i said that my dinner was tits and i got fucking made fun of right there in front of everyone which seems to be the fucking story of my life. “Cars and chicks are tits!” I was screamed at. “Food is NOT tits!” Here it is 40 something years later and I still remember that so I guess I learned my fucking lesson.

*PLEASE NOTE: that can also be used with the adjective ‘the’ as in: that car is the tits or I hope your trip to the beach is the tits or I just watched the movie The Menu and it was not the tits.

But yeah, this movie. I wasn’t a huge fan. I think I was liking it ok until they hung that guy outside the window like some sort of angel and the girl with the bangs started flapping her arms. I think that’s when it lost me. HA HA! Pinpoint! We’ve done it! Did she think she was some sort of bird or something? Do you know how strong you would have to be to fly like that lady? Shit! Fly! Come on. But then they all kill themselves by blowing up the island anyway so what was the fucking point? Except for that one person I guess she showed everyone up yours rich people.

FILED UNDER: NOT TITS

I feel like this post isn’t very long which is probably viewed as some sort of threat to you my dear reader but it’s early and thought i’d toss something else in here because i’m bored and want to keep typing and drinking beer. Do you know what else isn’t the tits?

MONDAY AT 11:01 AM (2016)

That really is the name of this thing, by now I’ve had a couple of beers so let’s see how this goes. A man with extremely poor acting skills and a gigantic head plays a character who has a lot of money and a good looking broad in the passenger seat of his convertible and, just so you know, I spelled convertible with an M twice before I let spell check clean it up. HA HA comvertible I suck. Anyway, they roll into some small town like a couple of rich douchebags and hit a local shoppe. There, he commands her to buy anything she wants with his black credit card because it has no limits, I guees –> much like himself. And I seriously do think that it might be his forehead that has no limits but that’s not up to me. After that he furrows his preposterous brow and heads across the street to a local bar after asking her what time it was. I’m sure she checks what is a Patek Phillipe and announces “It’s 11:01 AM”. “Thanks. I’m going to go buy one glass of wine and give the bartender a 100 dollar bill because I’m a pretentious cocksucker who can go fuck himself. See you soon so we can get to boning.” He replies. Something like that really did happen and then, a few minutes later, he goes batshit and starts seeing things and he really is a piss poor actor but then they introduce these random monks who have horns growing out of their heads and I thought they were cool but this movie certainly was not. Soon, he is approached by the daughter of BJ from “BJ and the Bear” to do some screwing but he is a good douchebag and refuses her and goes back to his hotel to act like a prick.The end!

Sincerest apologies to any broads or dudes with big foreheads. I mean you no harm, just casual observations. Feel free to make fun of me, no problem. Here’s a picture of me using a golf wedge about ten years ago:

Back to this second movie, do you know how I know about this? Because this movie was made about 30 minutes from where I live and had some local people in it that I’ve met even though it was terrible and even though I’m trying to be classy and not call things that any more because goddamn i know you’ve all put in hard work and shit and good job but hey man this one wasn’t really for me at all whatsoever for anything, I mean that but I wish you all the best. TOOT TOOT there goes the train have a safe trip no smoking.

FILED UNDER: NOT THE TITS