I really struggled with what to name this piece. What I used or “The Cocaine Bear and Friends Variety Hour”. I struggled with whether or not you would be looking at this during a job interview or maybe even a parole hearing so I didn’t want the word ‘cocaine’ flying across your screen like some sort of banner declaring the war over. I was also thinking of something like “How to do Kalinka dancing in _______ easy steps just like these bears” with the unknown number being how many things I could talk about here but I didn’t want you to be associated with anything undesirable seeing all of the shit Russia is pulling these days. My last unused idea was “who’s the boob who let these bears out of their cages?” but didn’t want your pastor or chief executive officer thinking you might be looking at some of nature’s miracles on the clock or your company issued equipment. So I went with what’s in the title field and away we go! Woo hoo party party.

THE EDGE (1997)

1997… I remember the first time I saw this I fucking loved it. And then the second time and then I bought it on Videotape and watched it a lot. I think that’s also around the time I started liking Alec Baldwin and David Mamet. I still like Baldwin even though he’s gotten himself into some trouble but I can’t say I’ve kept up with Mamet except for this movie he did called Homicide but I think that was also back in the 90s. I better go check because I’m thorough. Looks like Homicide was actually in 1991 so before this and there you go and I appreciate what you’ve done in the line of duty. I appreciate what you’ve done in the line.

In this one Hopkins plays a wise old rich guy married to a hot lady who’s balling her fashion photographer on the side and they all go to some expensive hot lady model shoot in Alaska. I guess if you haven’t see this that might be a spoiler so sorry but you can probably see that coming because you’ve seen a movie before or you wouldn’t be here. On a plane trip to do some hunting their plane goes down in the wilderness and instead of Russian Communists they come face to face with a goddammed bear and have to do what it takes to survive, where someone says something super manly like “I’m gonna kill that motherfucker.”

My dad took me on a trip to Alaska back in the 80s where he and some of his buddies went bear hunting. I don’t think they got one that I can remember but I do remember that I spent all of my time on some vessel and I caught a 40 something pound halibut on accident when I was trying to catch jellyfish off the side of the boat. Thinking about that – you know what I also remember about that trip?? I’ve gone on before about my dad’s Baptist-ness and how you can’t fart in church or you get grounded and that shit but i remember on this trip the family of the friends we went with – when we are on the plane going out there they were behind us speaking in tongues. I just now fucking remembered that and now I feel like I’m scared of them again. My dad wasn’t doing that but I don’t think he thought there was anything unusual about it.

INTO THE GRIZZLY MAZE (2015)

One day this came on after something or other and I watched some of it while I was putting on my shoes and it looked interesting enough, so I gave it a full watch some other day in the past and I liked it just fine. Again, I don’t know too much about this sub-genre but I’ve seen some of them and they seem solid. Nothing will beat The Edge though, right? I should talk about that sometime oh wait I just did. I think what drew me into this was Jimmy Marsden. I can call him Jimmy because Mrs. Film Miasma went to school with him. I guess technically I did too but I was two grades older than him and back then, Seniors didn’t associate themselves with fucking Freshmen. But I do like what he’s done with himself out there. Oh – and Tom Jane – I’ve always kind of liked him too even though he’s especially not that spectacular in this one.

In this film, Jimmy and Jane are estranged brothers – Jimmy went to jail for killing someone and Jane went on to become a fucking cop. One day, Jimmy comes back home to some small town in Alaska for some reason that eludes me, meets a hooker, sees her tits and then pushes her out of his hotel room because he’s not going to pay for fucking and beats up her pimp and blah blah the cops (Jane) shows up etc, etc. Elsewhere, some giant bear is going around killing people. “HE’S HUNTING FOR SPORT!!!!!” someone yells over-dramatically. Actually, I don’t think anyone said that in this movie but one thing that worried me going into this was the presence of Piper Perabo who has an unusual way of irritating me to no end every time she opens her lips. Luckily, in this one, she plays a mute who can only whimper occasionally so she didn’t grate my last nerve. I was also concerned about Billy Bob Thornton who also has the ability to cause me irritation at regular intervals but I actually kind of liked him in this one. I guess. Elsewhere, Jane is married to Perabo and she’s out checking traps in the “Grizzly Maze” when the cops decide that this bear is killing too many people and send BBT out to Scout and Kill the bear. “IT’S HUNTING FOR SPORT!!!!!!!” He may or may not mumble. On the other side of the mountain, Jane, Jimmy and this hot chick go searching for Perabo, to save her from The Bear, who goes unnamed. Actually, when I check The Record, the bear does have a name/credit: Bart the Bear plays Red Machine. Check the Record if you think I’m lying or pulling your leg. On a side note, if you want me to pull your leg, my fee is only 25 dollars U.S. plus the cost of a round trip ticket. I will fly coach if necessary but I do prefer first class since they give free cocktails and a nice, warm towel to wash your goddammed, dirty hands.

Theres no telling how dirty a man’s hands might get after pulling on someone’s leg.

BACKCOUNTRY (2014)

Hello! It’s been awhile since I started writing this thing. How are you doing? Have you been well? Are you eating properly? I’m really always concerned that my friends get enough to eat. I’m not one of those friends who say “I’m your friend and you can count on me” and then when something happens I say “well you can borrow my stapler.” So I hope you’re full, getting good sleep and haven’t taken up smoking cigarettes. I smoked for a long time and it really is unhealthy. Now I smoke cigars which is still a vice but I think it’s healthier. And less expensive.

But I believe we were talking about bears and shit and being a bear movie connoisseur.

This one is definitely more horror than The Edge, including a handful of pretty gruesome parts and is actually believable. The acting is good, the practical blood effects were very good (and gnarly) and I really appreciated that they used a real bear and not some dude in a plastic bear suit. I’m not sure if the bear was actually ripping that poor actor to shreds but it was awful tense and butthole clinching. That poor guy, he gave it all for his craft. All of it. Balls and all. Lastly, how many times do you think it took me to spell “connoisseur” correctly? That’s almost as hard as trying to spell lieutenant or type the word Barbara. Or hemorrhoid. Or filmmiasma.

The opening to this movie is fucking great. A good looking couple of people are going off on vacation. They get in the car and do some talking and then the dude plays this song on the car radio system and the chick is all “NO! Not that fucking thing!!” and he’s singing the lyrics and right when the chorus comes around she starts dancing like a buttfucking Arkansas hillbilly and they cut to the opening credits. I laughed a lot at that. There’s a lot of hiking and scenery and a little skinny dipping to be had for the next dozens of minutes until we’re introduced to an actor that I’m not very fond of: I won’t be a dick but his name is similar to Schmerick Malfor. As the film proceeds, that bear goes around shitting all over the forest; this documentary proving that bears do, indeed, shit in the woods. That last sentence isn’t really true although I do suppose that bear had to shit at some point during his time on the set. I could also be gender stereotyping as that bear could very well be a female (I didn’t look between it’s legs because I am a gentleman). I would also like to add that the human woman lead is very easy on the eyes.

Fmeric Zabfor! I crack myself up.

COCAINE BEAR (2023)

I WANTED TO LOVE COCAINE BEAR SO MUCH AND LOVE IT AND PET IT AND FEED IT AND PLAY WITH IT AND WE WOUKLD BE BEST FRIENDS AND GO TO THE PARK AND DO A SEE SAW AND GO TO MOVIES AND DRINK BEER AND DO BLOW OUT OF A STRIPPER’S BELLY BUTTON AND EAT HIKERS AND GO BOWLING AND – but I barely liked it WAHHHAAHAAAA sniff cry cry sniff whimper sniff make poops.

You’ve undoubtedly heard about this so you don’t need a recap other than: a bear does cocaine and kills people. I’m not real familiar with Elizabeth Banks as a director but I didn’t think this movie was very good except for maybe Keri Russel. Was this script improv? Ugh. Was the CGI improv too? Yoy. I’ve never been to this allegedly true state park in Tennessee or Kentucky or wherever but that part at the end by the waterfall reminded me of that movie that opens with King Kong taking a shower and, I think, perfuming his giant monkey balls with something I can’t remember*. Also – the park ranger supervisor guy – that was the little guy from Modern Family, right. Was he in a fat suit? Come on now.

*I suppose that movie was OK I’ve just had a beef with Adam Wingard since he – woo woo – got big and fancy and made big budget things and forgot his old fan base and who they fuck do you think you are anyway asshole Mr fancy pants I don’t do interviews with people like you go fuck your self buddy up yours.

KNOCK AT THE CABIN (2023)

In this movie, a former pro wrestler goes around out in the woods collecting grasshoppers and sticking them in a jar. Wait. The big guy from Stuber has a vision and then kills a few perfectly good and reasonable people. He even cuts off Dobby’s head and drop kicks the thing into the woods where it flips through a portal to another dimension. Wait. No, not Dobby. I’m confusing myself. The other one. The red headed kid. The guy from My Spy has visions of doom, threatens some people and then cuts off the read headed kid from Harry Potter’s head, rolls it up in a bunch of plastic and plays basketball with it for about two hours before killing himself. Something like that anyway I think.

Seriously though, I liked this movie – and I’m not trying to make your hair stand on end or anything – but I like most of this guy’s movies. Except for the ones we all hate and Glass. Glass… what a rip. But yeah. This is not the best movie ever but probably one of the best this guy’s made. I was just thinking, if you say “we hate them all”, well I don’t hate all of them, just last airbender, the one with will smith and the happening even though I wish that last one I listed was better and didn’t have people trying to outrun the wind. O _ o . Oh well. In any case and regardless, there’s a 10 minute montage of Bautista pooping under different trees, playing with butterflies and rolling around in the Pennsylvania falling leaves looking as happy as a pig in shit. And just to wrap things up in a nice fucking circle, Shyamalan against attempts to get his actors to do Mamet style dialogue and inflection but it’s been four or five movies now brother and it’s just not working. But I know what you’ve done in the line and I appreciate it. I appreciate what you’ve done in the line.

THESE THINGS FILED UNDER: I SAW A BEAR ONCE IN COLORADO AND I WAS FUCKING TERRIFIED SO WHEN FIGHT OR FLIGHT CAME AROUND I FLIGHTED THE FUCK OUT IF THERE AND I WAS EVEN IN A CAR

CROSS FILED UNDER: MAMET WOULD BE SO PROUF OF ME FOR MY MAMET INSPIRED DIALOGUE. IT NEVER FUCKING STOPS, HIS PRIDE. IT NEVER STOPS.