I feel like every time I talk about a movie like this I have to start off with some disclaimer like: “I’m no student of film” or “what the fuck do you mean by ‘cinema” or “I hate uppity preposterous shit” or “I’d rather hurt myself than watch that [enter academy award nominated movie]” or “whose boobs” or “what do you mean my license is expired” or “no one told me NOT to touch it” or “it’s really kind of slimy. Sticky even” or “HENRY NO!!!” but here we are anyway.

So I saw this one day to watch and I thought it was giallo what with the strange name and the 70s European-ness-y of it and, I presumed, naked Italian women and people smoking cigarettes and being generally oud in that analog kind of way and those types of things and it really kind of was, I thought, until I looked it up to see how this movie with boobs being stabbed was classified and apparently it’s some kind of “gritty Italian police drama” sub genre (apparently like Dirty Harry so they say) called poliziotteschi which means I had to learn something new. I’m sure I’m not pronouncing it correctly in my head but that’s OK because I doubt I’ll ever be somewhere where I have to say it the right way anyway unless I go to Italy in the 70’s which would really be something but OK anyway.

I don’t really know how this isn’t Giallo unless someone just decided to call it something different one day when they were shopping it around because: it’s got a load of topless Italian women, people getting stabbed in their boobs, the topical handicapped dude with weird hair, castles, cigarettes, rotary phones, the attempt to not tell you who’s doing what until the last frame, some sort of weird incest and the obligatory garden of lettuce. I suppose something that might set this differently, aside from the lack of whips and bondage, might be the deal where the weird guy in the wheelchair developed a machine that can read someone’s thoughts for some reason but that’s no big spoiler because it didn’t really make much sense regarding anything but there were a ton of bleeps boops zips and whizzits there when he was using it.

This feature begins with a lady driving one of those super small , late 60s European cars that don’t look like they fit anyone but a baby in them – but if breaks down and someone with scissors is conveniently there to rip her blouse open and chase her through the woods with her Italian boobs flopping around. Soon she’s dead as shit and we transition to some manor where some people sit around a fire place drinking scotch. “You’re impotent!!” Yells an attractive lady towards her poor husband in his wheelchair. “Heh heh, you two quit squabbling,” coos the local doctor, being patronizing as fuck. “Someone go to bed already so I can ball the pretty blond over there, heh heh.” He might’ve even pointed to his semi chub – or as we call it in my poker circle, his Carnegie Melon. Anyway she says no and leaves and takes off in the monsoon rain, also in one of those tiny cars.

As these things go, soon she’s marooned at a mysterious hotel somewhere on the way to Rome, she’s drenched so she takes off all of her clothes and eats a ham sandwich by the fire in nude solitude until the family imbecile comes in, grabs her boobs and leaves. For real. SPOILER: soon she’s stabbed too and we suspect the man with the soft brain. Or the guy with the cat downstairs. Or the weird guy who sells cigarettes. Or the mom lady. Maybe it’s Merv Griffin.

I won’t spoil the end but guess what? It’s not who I thought it was! And GUESS WHAT CINEMA PARROT DISCO?? There’s lettuce! For those of you who don’t know – that’s an inside joke about an old Egyptian myth involving some sperms and Horus. That may not mean a lot but anytime I can work in something about Horus putting the sperm on the lettuce I feel accomplished and kind of proud of myself. In this movie it seems like a load of sperms were probably produced all over the place, according to the script, and, sadly, if you think about it, these sperms were put UNDER the lettuce but it still makes me happy to put two and two together here.

SO: sperms, cripples, perms, computers bleeping, incest, lettuce patches, Volkswagens, scissors, mutes, fancy outfits, cigarettes, drapes and a big, twisty conclusion Harry Keeler would approve of. Oh yeah and runny, floppy boobs.

Overall I would say I liked this movie even though – hey it’s not giallo – but I feel like it was and I’d watch more of these. It looks like there’s a shitpot full of them so that should keep us busy, here’s a sample:

The Police Serve the Citizens?

Strange Shadows in an Empty Room

The Defense Rests!

Beneath the Willow Tee: an unfolding envelope.

Live Like a Cop, Die Like a Man

The Assumption of The Thigh

The Cynic, the Rat & the Fist

22 Mannequins!

What Have They Done to Your Daughters?

Manhunt

Investigation of a Citizen Above Suspicion

Three Greeks, whose hand in my pants?

Why is this evaluation taking so long, someone call the constable!

So many spider monkeys!

11 Doctor Whos.

Full disclosure: I made up a couple of those titles… but which ones??

FILED UNDER: GIALLO-RAMA AND CROSSED FILED INDER AAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW SHIT HOW DID THAT GUY WHO ONLY MUMBLES MAKE IT TO THAT CASTLE AND WHY WAS THAT ONE LADY SO HORNY THAT SHE DID THE BOP WITH HIM BEHIND THAT TREE I MEAN THATS ONE WAY TO GET TICKS AND CHIGGERS SURE BUT MAYBE KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS LADY SHIT