I started watching this thing when it first came out so over a year ago and it was so uninteresting that I quit it one night and really forgot about it until I was finishing up some ‘continue watchings’ so my OCD would shut the fuck up and there was this thing just sitting there and I honestly couldn’t remember who was in this was it Claire Danes or Dominique Swain or someone else but I remembered I didn’t like it very much but I had to get it out of my head so I finished it off over two dinners and I can tell you I don’t think it was worth the wait. Looking back at what I just wrote makes me think that you might think that I finished it off over two dinners meaning I ate the last of it so it wouldn’t go bad or take up any more space in my freezer but what I really meant was that I finished watching the goddammed thing while I ate dinner over the course of two nights. Which now makes me think you think it took me two nights to eat one dinner which is also not the case, it was two separate evenings while the wife was away and I ate two different plates of food and finished this boring ass movie. And no I didn’t actually eat the plates, I think one night I ate a can of corned beef hash and the next a blackened chicken breast sandwich. And I also didn’t eat that actual can, I ate the contents of the can which I don’t think was actual corned beef but more of a “beef product”. By the way, it’s Julia Stiles in this movie and not the other two I mentioned earlier. And by earlier I mean the minute or so it might have taken for you to read this but for me that earlier was yesterday when I was eating my lunch here at work.

I want to say right now that I didn’t like this movie at all and since we live in a polite society and try not to hurt anyone’s feelings I’ll have to use the term “it wasn’t for me” but I thought it was tediously boring and the ADR or sound sucked and the constant forced perspective was irritating and that part where she gave her mom the smoothie that you knew was the ground up poisoned rat was dumb especially when she poured it down the drain and apparently she ground up everything but the tail and I guess just left it in there like some sort of stupid straw was like they just did that to tell me “up yours asshole” and there’s that. I also don’t remember how this all played out since I started it so long ago but this little woman- we all know the schtick here – is diabolical and terrible and confined in some 1940s era solid steel bunker where she can cutesie her way around and kill some guard with a crayon I think and she either drags this hulking and blubbering and twitching mass through these halls to escape by using his eyeballs or handprints or something or deadlifts the fucker over her tiny body and carries him around screaming PIVOT PIVOT at every corner or something stupid but she escapes and something else and somehow fools this uppity New England family into thinking it’s their missing daughter and Stiles has lines like “I’m going to braise a lamb now and then walk into my bedroom and fuck my hairy husband. Have fun eating a rat you short bitch (sic).” Then later, through more angles, we see Orphan playing with a dead rat while next door she hears thumping and screaming: “LOOK AT THIS TRASH I FOUND LYING AROUND!! YOU’RE THE TRASH!! PICK UP THE DIRTY GARBAGE!! WHO’S YOUR MOMMY WHO’S YOUR MOMMY???!!“

Blabbity blabbity blob blob ball blobby blob blabby blob. Let’s move on to something else. Speaking of Julia Stiles, hasn’t she been around for a while? Let me check. Looks like it – 70 acting credits. It seems I’ve only seen a couple so maybe I’m not the one who should be out here talking about her – ahem – oeuvre but I get the feeling she’s not known for shouting lines like that – the ones I mentioned earlier. Maybe that’s her thing? I don’t know, I guess.

I did like the girl who played orphan even though I don’t really believe that she’s three feet tall. I know I know that a lot of the people we see on the screen are actually shorter or smaller in real life but three feet? Come on now. Maybe! But I doubt it. I was once in the LAX (Los Angeles) airport and Mini-Me was there – that airport is huge so he was getting wheeled around. That has nothing to do with anything other than that I bet he couldn’t make it across that airport in a hurry – granted, neither could I – but I think about these things if Orphan lady is really that short.

We all know the trick – just make that crossbow a bigger prop.

To me this movie sucked and so does this piece I’ve written but so do a lot of them, I think. Here’s a blurb from something else that was horribly boring that I started writing but I’ll never finish: Sue inherited her family house, see. After she was given up for adoption, see. She remembers nothing of her childhood but inherited an abandoned, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere that’s littered with crosses and religious paraphernalia. Oh yeah – and a freezer full of 30 year old, perfectly safe to eat meat down in the basement. So they eat it and it’s delicious but don’t they know that IT’S FUCKING PEOPLE MEAT? Have YOU ever eaten a thawed out thirty year old piece of people meat? I haven’t. Most of the stuff i keep in the freezer only lasts about a year or less before it gets freezer burn; maybe i just need a better freezer, like one that runs on presumably no electricity because the house is old and abandoned and decrepit and full of SHIT.

That movie is called Wages of Sin and it’s a terrible thing I mean we’re all real nice people and don’t say hurtful things to anyone because we’re all sensitive to other’s feelings and know how it takes a lot to make a movie like this or anything else and a bunch of people put their hard fucking work into it and maybe it didn’t turn out very good and really wasn’t for me or maybe anyone else for that matter but we’re glad you did it and I hope you all make a lot of units of currency for all of your hard work but Wages of Sin kind of really sucked it I’m sorry.

THESE MOVIES FILED UNDER: YAWN AND NO THANKS BUT I HOPE YOU ALL HAD A GOOD TIME AND GOT LOTS TO EAT WHILE YOU WERE SHOOTING AND THE LIGHTING WASN’T TOO POOR AND NO ONE GOT BITTEN BY ANY TICKS AND WHOEVER THE MODEL IS FOR THAT WAGES OF SIN POSTER REALLY GOT WHAT SHE EARNED