In my limited view, to make a lot of organisms that can do certain things we call living, it requires something to come around and fertilize a seed. I’m not as stupid as I might say and know that isn’t the case for everything but for the purposes of today’s piece we’ll concentrate on something that requires sperm and egg, at least for this paragraph. The main and only reason for this, besides associating the name of this movie with spermum and ova is that – after three years of mentioning how Egypt’s man Horus put his sperm on some lettuce, I FINALLY have a new analogy!! Ha ha god damn!! Whoo!! You see, according to the bible, there was this guy named Onan who had a brother that died. After that, someone important told him to go lay with his brother’s widow so she could bear life or something profound. When he got there he saw her through the window and “spilled his seed on the ground” (I think that also depends on the version you read) so god killed him for it. Poor fucker. Either way, however you want to interpret that passage, if he pulled on his membrum virile by the window or just spontaneously kablooied from seeing an actual woman, either way god got pissed for spilling his seed on the dirt and killed him for it. So the moral of the story is: don’t put your sperm on the dirt.

Also, to follow up, here’s an old rendering of how I see life really happening, so don’t put your spermums on the dirt:

Life is a space horror movie with Jake Gyllenhaal in it. I don’t particularly like Gyllenhaal’s movies that much so – well – I saw this years ago but didn’t care too much about it so I forgot everything except for one scene, it seems. I didn’t really love it the second time around either but Jake didn’t really bother me too much and I also kind of liked the end. More importantly, have I really liked him in any movies? I need to go look, one sec. Well, not many. Looks like Prisoners and Zodiac are about it, Mack. I remember liking Enemy but there were so many spiders in it I was disgusted and scared so fuck that. I hated Nightcrawler like blogferatu hates The Swimmer. Oh well, this one wasn’t so bad I guess – it’s not overwhelming in its Jake Gyllenhaalness. I guess. It also had a bit too much Ryan Reynoldsness in it but he gets killed early so – shit – ooops spoilers.

In Life, a bunch of international and attractive people live and work on the ISS. They all get along like everyone always does and would and one day they catch what’s left of some sort of Mars Bring Home Samples Device. I think but I’m not positive that it was hit with some sort of debris of some sort from something in space that is really really really big and empty but it seems to be heading for them at a billion space miles per hour but Ryan Reynolds’s awesomeness catches it with some sort of robotic space arm because he’s Ryan Reynolds and that’s what the fuck he does for a fucking living, go suck it haters. Unluckily for everyone alive in space, this capsule contains some sort of sleeping, fossilized organism that a robot pulled from the dirt of Mars. I’m going to self reference Onan putting his sperm on the dirt here and then take a pee and a paragraph break.

Back up on the ISS – as it works out – a man awakens the creature that’s been sleeping in the molecules of the Martian dirt for thousands of years and holy fucking shitcrap it feeds on oxygen and soon enough everyone is sucked tucked fucked. Jesus, predictive text. And then it’s the alien against the people in the space box movie. I don’t have anything against these movies at all or anything but I’ve just never been too into them I guess. Let’s take another break while I give this some Deep Thought.

Well, I can’t really think of any aliens in a spaceship things except for Spock. And Alien. And Galaxy Quest. And an old movie called Saturn 3 that I haven’t seen since the early days of HBO and don’t remember much about it except for maybe naked Farrah Fawcett. But I didn’t do too much Deep Thinking here. I think I started thinking about Farrah Fawcett and got my brains jumbled. Many if you might not know what she did to young boys going through early puberty. Pistils and stamens indeed. And people spilling seed.

But Life, yeah it’s ok, sure I guess. A young Rebecca Rose the Hat Ferguson is in it too which doesn’t mean much other than I think she’s more super good looking classy hot now not that I’m looking. But I think that’s really just kind of it and this was just OK. The moral of the story: don’t put your sperm in the dirt or god will kill you.

FILED UNDER: ANOTHER HORROR MOVIE POST ABOUT SPERM AND DONT FUCK WITH DEAD THINGS AND DOCTOR SLEEP RULES SORRY BUT IT DOES AND I DONT EVEN REALLY LIKE EWAN MCGREGOR THAT MUCH

HMMM – I’m all by myself alone again this week so I’m bored and what else is there to say tonight? I just ate a can of corned beef hash which is loosely kind of a meat and cheese product so here we are again. I wish I could think of more aliens versus people stuck in a space box movie but I just can’t. I’m surprised Liam Neeson hasn’t made one yet. I can picture an old and tired Neeson meandering through gravity-less corridors, his memories of a pleasant life on Earth starting to falter when suddenly he’s set upon by a bunch of: long dead astronauts or blobs that suck the light out of things or maybe something reptilian or even his sweet memories coming back to either kill him or make him appreciate his old life before he went into deep space or maybe he’s just been fucking dead the whole time but that would take away from some serious space ass kicking. I would like to see him maybe pull some wires out of some sort of control box and wrap them around his knuckles and murmur something like “I just turned off the anti-grav unit you mother fuckers, and now I’m going to fuck you up.” Then he takes a manly swig of space whiskey, wipes his chin and everything sharply cuts to the credits. Maybe the movie is titled SPACEMAN and it’s directed by the guy who did Life and he finally got to turn his vision of the original script into something he intended to make before the studio interfered. Maybe after the credits for the executives and the principal actors there’s a quick scene where he wakes up on some sort of pastel lit planet and he spits some sort of alien sand out of his mouth and he looks up and his long lost dead kid is there and he gets a tear in his eye and says “Oh Sonny, I’ve missed you” and the camera does an extreme close-up and the kid smiles and he’s got three or four pupils and some sort of tail growing out of the back of his neck and it licks his lips like its hungry or something. CUT! FIN!