When I first heard about this thing I had no interest in ever seeing it – from the guy who did La La Land (a movie I would presume I’d hate [because I don’t like musicals])) even though I like Vrad Pitt and for the most part Margo Robbie so I never watched it because I didn’t care (and I see I misspelled Brad Pitt and I like that so I’m going to leave it like that) and then I heard something about an elephant shitting on someone and while I really don’t care about things shitting on people I was curious kind of like how I was curious to see that Mother! movie where the people eat the baby even though I generally hate Aronofsky’s pieces of work so, as it turned out, this was on one of the services I pay so dearly for and one day I started it and I actually really liked it but it’s three hours long so it took me three sittings to finish it but I really liked this thing except for some sappy shit towards the end but hey man yeah I thought this was the real deal and kind of loved it, La La Land or not. Please note that I did not at all like Mother! and generally hated that whole thing even though I’m more of a fan of the Old Testament than the new one and I don’t just mean my friend who looks like someone from the Old Testament – the books and shit which I had to read over and over when i was a kid because of guilt and shame and being sorry for everything no matter where I went or what I did.

Such as it is I don’t know if you’ve seen this or not and you’ll disagree with me because of my guilts and shames but there’s this sequence of events they put together after the opening (the long opening) where Vrad goes off to do this movie shoot and Robbie goes off to do one too and they interlace them through editing and the whole thing takes maybe thirty minutes until they both bam kaboom at the same time and I REALLY loved that whole thing. I can’t seem to find just what image I want to display and I know how to use google because I’m not an imbecile even if you think so but the whole thing ends with the picture below and I thought they should have won some sort of award for Best Sequence but they didn’t I don’t think and if the Academy did give out awards for something like that it would probably go to someone sitting by a window reading a letter and staring forlornly at the – god damn what is it the rich people write about all the time – the bougainvillea as it blooms, recalling their youth running around playing hide and seek in their eighteen room cabin they summered at while their mother slowly died of something while inflicted by painful memories of their deceased father who died fighting for the right side during one of those modern revolutions in Egypt. But I liked this one:

When I heard about the “hey an elephant shits on a guy this is repulsive and grotesque garbage” I imagined some guy walking onto some sort of stage and an elephant is led in and a bunch of drunk and belligerent aholes from 1920s Hollywood urge the next act on, smoking cigarettes from those long cigarette holders and drinking martinis and smearing grease all over their antimacassars (YES I WORKED THAT IN FINALLY!!! WOO HOO SCORE I WIN!) while the elephant twirls around a takes a shit on the poor fuck who just needs three dollars for a full week’s worth of food for his family of 11. It doesn’t go quite like that if you haven’t seen it – these guys are trying to help push the animal up a hill in the back of a truck and it shits all over them in explosive diarrhea like I had the time I ate the lemon zucchini (OMFG I LOSE) but it’s all good because they get the thing up to the top of the hill where the wildest and craziest party this side of Reno is raging.

As we sweep through this house full of deranged perverts, we happen upon a guy getting peed on. Mm hmmm yep – pissssssssss. I think (think) (it’s been a few weeks) the person peeing falls down maybe or something but she’s unable to go to her shoot the next morning which leads to shitbucketpoor Robbie getting her big chance on a movie set. That really didn’t bother me too much and then the credits happen and we get that edited action I was mentioning above. Out of everything they did there I thought it was brilliant how Vrad started the day hungover and by the end was chugging from the bottle oh and how they slipped Samara Weaving in worked too. Then after everything that happened the night before and then all the shit they all went through that whole day they converge on that house up on the hill to do it all over again.

It really and honestly does remind me of my / our restaurant life back in the 90s. I don’t know where the ouroboros started but it went like this: get up in a hungover daze – go to college (maybe bathed and clean maybe) – take notes – drag ass all day – smoke cigarettes – drive home – take five minute power nap – go to work – start shift – smoke cigarettes – hide beer or liquor in the walk-in fridge – work, drink drink drink smoke cigarettes – close the shift go to the bar down the street – smoke cigarettes and drink heartily – close the bar and go to whoever was letting people at their place that night – stink and smoke and debauch (maybe) until six in the morning – get an hour of sleep and do it again and again and again. Literally for months. I never figured I’d live this long the way we tore shit up.

But I suppose hedonism isn’t anything new. I mean, think how much your grandparents probably fucked did it only missionary style once to get you where you’re at today. My grandpa made his own whiskey and beer during Prohibition and ate gopher brains during the Great Depression – then he served in the War trying to shoot airplanes out of the sky. I even grossly remember once in the 80s I was visiting them out in LA and heard them going after it in the room next to me. UH GROSS. You know what’s grosser…….? Thinking about your grandpa’s esophageal adventures in y – ohgodnevermindsorryjesusmercyjumpingjesusimsorry

Sorry about that last part.

Maybe that’s the true Babylon – thinking of how your righteous ancestors used to make it all over the house before you were born. In the bedroom… out in the Ford… outside the Czech hall… on that couch you slept on all the time. The kitchen table you ate your smothered steak and sloppy joes at made love once. “We’ll show those Nazis what we’re made of!” thought your gramma, sipping a martini, puffing on a cigar and drawing a pencil line down the back of her leg to mimic the Nylons she’s conserving for the war effort. “Here’s one for the Allies! And here’s one for Uncle Sam!” She proudly salutes, popping her bra in place. Babylon the movie might not have much on that imagery I just put in your head, though.

The Clap can be a real scorcher! Fire in the holes boys! I wonder if Vrad Pitt has ever had the Clap? I hear it’s a real doozy. Anyway – I think that’s it for Babylon – I really did love it almost from start to finish, even with the projectile poop, piss and vomiting. There some sappy and soggy shit there at the end I could have lived without but i thought it was a good way to spend some time.

FILED UNDER: FUCK YEAH, SON AND DON’T GET THE DRIP AND TOBEY MAGUIRE IS WEIRD AND I HAVE THE TOTAL HOTS FOR SAMARA WEAVING AND WW2 RATIONS AND MAKING YOUR OWN BOOZE