Bitch Slap. That movie that came out on DVD back when you had to upconvert DVDs to HD. DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?! The barbarity. The movie that came out when you had to rent DVDs. DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?? A lost time. Do you remember when they started using screens again and just photo-ing the backgrounds and using magical filters to enhance this and that and darken this and swirl that and explode this and kablooey pow pew pew pew that? Or, if you were watching Spartacus, digitize a dong there snd some boobs there snd there and another dong there? REMEMBER? Dongs everywhere on that show. Lots of shitty phony backgrounds in there two. “But I’m an actOR.” says someone. “i do not need the stage sir,” he adds, rolling his Rs like a real asshole. “I perrrforrrm.” i mean who does this guy think he is? Anyway – this one has loads of shitty, CGI shit and, despite that alluring trick of getting someone to rent it in the hopes of seeing some fleshy, squishy boobs, theres not much there to do anything for anyone. At all, really, unless you really like fake things and/or an actress named America Olivo, which i kind of doobt. Doobt! Spellcheck didn’t catch that???! Up yours robots!

“So what does happen, bitch?” you ask me, reminding me of that time when i used to smoke and was in a bad part of town smoking in a grocery store parking lot and someone screamed “I like those shoes bitch!” and i thought she was telling at me and i almost shit myself.

So et me tell you (and lots of uses of the word ‘bitch’ to come, probably, so please don’t be offended). if anyone is the bitch, its me.

Anyway – it goes like this :

We open to a very nice looking character named Trixie crawling out of some burning landscape forlornly asking herself “How did it come to this, bitch” and then for the next hour and 45 minutes the story is told in reverse, bitch, interspersed with the three ladies from the movie poster I didn’t include here fighting in the sun, sweating like a bitch, having a water fight, digging for diamonds, making out, digging again, fighting, bitching each other like they’re Turks or something, fighting and cussing each other and fighting and cussing each other until one day everything blows up for some fucking reason, there’s a big revelation and it’s finally over, suck on it bitches. “SUCK IT SUCK IT FUCK IT!!” We used to yell at the second base umpire in our old drunk softball league who NEVER called anything for our side so she was obviously dating or making it with all of the other teams or married to the devil because why would she hate us so much we had every right to play softball there too even though someone had too many champagnes that one morning and ate blackened chicken Alfredo for lunch and then chewed tobacco out in the 110 degree sun and truthfully did shit his pants playing first base in the second inning why hold it against the whole team for crying out loud Jesus what is this fucking tennis?

Anyway, during all this bitching and fighting and acting up at each other, in reverse mind you, we find out that some special ops mission to steal this fucking bomb that eats away carbon from everything on the planet goes bad, bitch-ass moles are planted in prison and greasy strip clubs, a degenerate drug dealer is taken hostage, beaten and killed like a bitch, a nice guy cop tries to help and a repulsive character with black teeth and Turret’s, along with his non English speaking late-20’s Japanese school girl get thrown into the mix because of the script I guess and now we know how this all came about for fuck’s sake and the reveal happens and then – BAM BITCH! – it’s over and we can all go fuck ourselves.

Maybe that ‘go fuck ourselves’ was unnecessary but I didn’t think this movie was very bitchin’. Mainly because of dialogue like this:

Camero: I’m gonna booty-bang bitch slap your ass until you’re just this side of salvage. Then I’m gonna ram-ride girly’s show tits asunder before I plow both of you bitches under!

Camero: Prepare to come about bitch.

Camero: She’s black hair, blonde box.

Camero: That’s two you owe me, Blow White.

Camero: Fun’s over with Gage. Next stop, brown town.

Camero: So long, limp dick!

Camero: Shut up, ax wound

Camero: That’s it pop tart! I’m gonna dog-pound you straight to China!

Hel: Open wide psycho slut.

Camero: Lube my boob skank twat.

Gage: You take orders better than a Bangkok bum boy.

Trixie: What can I say? We’re all just bitches in the end.

FILED UNDER: NOT MY FAVORITE BITCH AND I DONT MISS THIS TYPE OF FILMMAKING AND AMERICA OLIVO JEEZ UGH WOOF GAK AND BOY THIS SUCKED IT BITCH WHAT A BUMMER AND BY BUMMER I DON’T MEAN A DRAG LIKE THATS TOO BAD BUT MAYBE MORE LIKE WHAT A THING FOR THE BUM SKANK BITCH

P.S. Kevin Sorbo was in there somewhere. I think.

P. S. 2. I had a friend that died a few years ago and we used to address each other as “My Bitch”. “How are you today, my bitch?” “Still working construction, my bitch?” “I like how my bitch got too drunk to drive so he just started walking home from the strip club. Again.” “You pierced your WHAT, my bitch???” I miss him.