(the casual or discerning reader might be careful with this post)

Once upon a time a man (or woman) was sitting in a cave there minding their own business when this thing crawled on them and he or she went UNK UNK INKIM OOM OOK OMK and touched it and the spider bit them and they died and really learned their fucking lesson the hard way. This story was passed on to the tribe which roughly translates as: “don’t touch those fucking gross things or you’ll die” and that’s how scholars think arachnophobia began. Elsewhere, a similar male or female was sitting around somewhere more fertile and digging in the dirt like people do sometimes and they came across something wiggly and then stuck it in their mouth like a dipshit and immediately shit everywhere all over the place for hours and hours and that’s how Missouri came around and that’s why we don’t eat worms. Also because we’re generally half smart.

The following is an account of what happens when we don’t follow the rules our ancestors learned the hard way.

This is how it went (I think):

A dark haired dude (DHD) almost ODs on something, says he wants to ‘get out’ which he intends is to go outside but his girlfriend interprets as leaving their relationship
Elsewhere, a bearded dude (BD) gets a package in the mail which he tells the delivery guy is ‘his baby’ – he opens it up! It’s a baby doll with an oblong head with a large hole in the mouth area you can use your mind to figure out what might go in there. “I’ll always take care of you!” he cries.
Elsewhere, DHD wanders around
Elsewhere, BD wanders past a prostitute who asks him if he wants to be her baby. “Sure” he nods.
Elsewhere, DHD comes across a couple of people fucking on a trash can, an Asian Looking Lady (ALL) and a Dude with Clown Eyebrows Magic Markered on His Forehead (Eyebrows). “Go away or i’ll fuck you up!” screams Eyebrows, not bothering to make his nut, I guess
Elsewhere, BD can’t get it up with the prostitute so he asks her to be his baby’s mama and she says OK (I think) and them offers him some worms (in a cigarette case) to get him fucked up. He disagrees and leaves with the worms.
He returns to ‘their’ room later to find DHD hand scrubbing the bathtub. “I don’t like to fuck queers” he says introspectively. “Want to eat worms?”
DHD accepts, takes the case full of worms back to his girlfriend, sees her fucking some dude and eats them (the worms).

Elsewhere, in Ireland, someone says “It’s nearly four o’clock and I haven’t had me sandwiches!” At least that was a line in a book I was reading when I started writing this.

I’m not positive about how real that last one is over there but back in this movie, a lot of people barf up worms, BD tells people he doesn’t fuck queers, BD goes to the lake and puts his shoozits in that hole I was talking about earlier and some overweight guy goes around in his underwear.

Elsewhere, people OD and die, people get stabbed to death, someone gets hit in the head with a beer can and dies to death and someone’s guts get ripped out of his stomach. But don’t worry about him, it seems he’s one of those people that can control his intestines through his brain and he’s able to turn the tides on his attackers, strangling them to death. With his guts. While he’s tied to a chair. And then some membrane thing that looks like a giant, bumpy, uncircumcised dong envelops BD and he and the prostitute suddenly have a baby and it’s that doll again with the mouth hole.

Got it? Sorry if I spoiled things there. does that sound good to you or for you? Have ye had yer sandwiches? Is your giant, bumpy, uncircumcised dingus clean? Are your eyebrows clearly marked and you’re ready for a night out on the town, fucking in public? Do you want to sleep in an alleyway? Is your dad your pimp? Have you ever threatened to punch someone in the face and said “I’m going to hit you in your puss!”? Have you ever had a three way while eating worms? Have you looked on Twitter and saw that someone posted a picture of something claiming to be a ‘public masturbation tent’? If so, did that sound like something you would want to buy or invest in? Have you ever cleaned a bathroom in a seedy hotel that was probably smeared with unused sperm and someone else’s natural and probably odorous fluids? Have you ever used a sex doll for any purposes whether you were leaving your body’s secretions behind or to simply defile and befoul something? Have you ever stayed up all night smoking cigarettes and drinking beer and then passed out in your friend’s sister’s bed not because you were trying to get laid really I mean it but because you wanted someone to cuddle?

There were a couple of things I did like, I guess. I liked the actress who played the prostitute and I liked the song over the end credits. I actually looked at the end credits (because I’m a credit watcher) and tried to find the name of the musician who did the song and what it might have been called but I didn’t see anything other than “Music by:” and I also didn’t try very hard. Other than that I don’t really think this was my kind of movie. I’ve been trying to think if this ever would have been my kind of movie, even back when I took things like drugs and drank a lot and stayed up all night after bars closed and partied hardy with drunk people and that one time I got thrown in jail and I was SO FUCKING SCARED and they had me handcuffed to that bar and I was almost shitting me pants and they brought someone else in and chained him up next to me and i looked at him and he had pentagrams tattooed on his face and I almost fucking died and I was really scared pretty fucking straight except my roommate and I kept drinking scotch and playing video game football all the time but never going anywhere except for this time we both got super high and drove super slowly a couple of blocks to this place called Taco Mayo and we each got a 24 pack of tacos and we both ate them all but that’s something else. I wasn’t a big fan of the movie I started out talking about today except for that one girl’s voice it was kind of sexy.

FILED UNDER: THOSE ARE THE NICEST PICTURES I CAN FIND OF THIS MOVIE AND DON’T DO DRUGS BECAUSE I PROMISE YOU YOU WON’T LIKE JAIL EVEN IF YOU’RE ONLY IN THERE FOR 20 HOURS LIKE I WAS I MEAN IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO DO DO DRUGS JUST DO THEM AT HOME OR SOMEONE’S HOUSE AND DON’T GO DRIVING AROUND AND HURT YOURSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE AND DON’T DO THEM JUST SMOKE WEED FOR CHRIST’S SAKE AND WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T EAT A BUNCH OF MUSHROOMS AND GO TRYING TO DRIVE TO THE BAR IN THE SNOW BECAUSE YOU MIGHT THINK YOU’RE IN A GIANT SNOW GLOBE AND REALLY TRIP YOUR BALLS OFF EVEN THOUGH THAT’S NOT WHAT GOT ME IN TROUBLE BECAUSE I TURNED AROUND AND WENT HOME EVEN THOUGH SOME OF MY FRIENDS WERE THERE AND THEY WERE DOING X AND I DON’T THINK THEY CALL IT THAT ANYMORE BUT THEY WERE ALL RUBBY AND TOUCHY AND TRYING TO RUN SOME SORT OF WEIRD VIBRATEY THING ON MY BACK AND I WAS ALL LOOK YOU PEOPLE I JUST WANT TO TRIP AND WENT BACK INTO MY ROOM AND WATCHED A MOVIE CALLED REPTILICUS AND SOME INFOMERCIALS UNTIIL EVENTUALLY THE SUN CAME UP AND THEN I WENT TO SONIC AND GOT A COUPLE OF HAMBURGERS AT SIX IN THE MORNING AND FINALLY WENT TO SLEEP