I doubt the idea behind this post will work, mainly because I’m so lazy and slow but we’ll try and see what happens here in a sec and see if I can’t get this done by Halloween, if at all. But first a quick intro: Cobweb is a horror I saw people talking about on Twitter that actually had a good looking trailer and it seemed to have been filmed in some nice HD but it looked like it might fall into the UGH FOR FUCK’S SAKE JUST TURN ON A FUCKING LIGHT ON THE SET SOMEWHERE CHRIST problems that seem to be so prevalent right now but anyway there it was and it had one of the chicks from True Blood back when it was good in it and the dude from The Boys which was ok once I guess so yeah whee let’s party.

START. Cobweb stars Lizzy Caplan as a woman / mother who (I think) was a school teacher at some point. When she talks she really enunciates her Ws (double yous) so she sounds like Whhhhhat and Whhhhhen and Whhhhhy. If you find this speech gimmick irritating skip ahead to paragraph 10, if you’re good go to Paragraph 01.

01. As the matriarch here, the family lives in an old home that is never well lit, has 100 pumpkins growing in the backyard they call “the garden” and wherein and aswhich all of the walls are covered with creepy, old wallpaper. The lamp sconces or whatever they are called run off of electricity so I’m not sure why someone didn’t just wire a ceiling lamp or two in one of those room over the last several decades but what do we know. The husband character likes to walk around with a hammer because he’s a creepy DIYer. Is he also a murderer? If you think he’s a murderer, go to paragraph 09. If not, go to Paragraph 02 or even Epilogue 1A if you’re feeling saucy.

02. So there’s the mom who used to drink vampire blood and show herself nude all over the place on HBO but now she’s all grown up and put that life behind her and she walks around saying her WHs and wearing keys around her neck and there’s no TV in the house and she wears clothing that goes up to her chin and the dad is probably a murderer in his spare time and he keeps large bags of cinnamon tasting rat poison in his shed and they have a kid with long curly hair that can carve a nice pumpkin. And draw ominous things on his school paper. And HE’S NO FUCKING FRIEND WITH THAT KID WHO LOOKS LIKE GARY BUSEY. For more information on the kid with curly hair, go to Paragraph 03. If you want to hear more about what has become of Gary Busey’s sperm, go to Paragraph 04.

03. Honestly this kid seems like a little – well – timid I guess but not in the same horrible way that kid from The Babadook acted that made me want to hurt myself. This one seems bullied and keeps to himself and suddenly someone starts talking to him from beyond the wall. Or is it beyond the grave??? Aggghk!! Either way he starts talking back to whatever is going on there and starts sticking up for himself and talking back to his dad and things start to get hairy. If you want know how hairy it gets, go to paragraph 08. If you want to know how I feel about bullies, go to Epilogue 02, otherwise, press on to Paragraph 04 like the warrior you are, soldier.

04. According to the internet, this actor’s name is Luke Busey and, further, he is apparently made from one of Gary Busey’s spermum. I kind of find this odd since Gary Busey looks like he’s 175 years old and this kid looks like a Gen Z but it’s always very very possible that I’m always wrong. In this film, the younger Busey is one of those asshole kids who fuck with other kids but doesn’t realize the other kid has the ghost of his dead or imprisoned sister in the closet nearby who convinced him to stick up for himself and stop being a crying titty boy. To see how Like Busey’s character fares when conformed by his fate, go to Epilogue 03. To continue down a path of some sort of chronological sanity, go to Paragraph 05. To just get me to shut the fuck up, go to Addendum 02.

05. One night the boy who lives in the house with no lighting hears a girl from inside the wall, behind the rippy wallpaper. “I’m your sister and our parents hate me” she whispers in her little girl voice. Spoiler: after about an hour of movie time he lets her out of the wall and she’s an all black monster thing with long hair who lifts semi-grown teens up and tosses them around like the pieces of shit they are. “They stuck me in here with the rats and cobwebs.” She mutters, bringing some relevance to the title. If you’ve had enough of this, go to Paragraph 11. If you think you can take some more and want to hear about a key character I’ve left out so far, go to Paragraph 06.

06. An important character I’ve left out today is the kid’s teacher. She cares, you see. She cares about his education and she cares about him being bullied and she cares about the grotesque and ominous drawings he makes as he cries out for help, she guesses. She cares so much she goes to his home without the school board’s permission. Twice. Actually – dum ta dum – THRICE if we count when she goes there after he calls her personal cell phone. She cares and she rules and she’s the mother fucker that’s going to save your ass! If you’re ready for a break, go to Paragraph 07. If you’ve still ready to kick up some dust, go to Paragraph 08. If you’re just ready for all of this to be over, skip to Paragraph 11.

07. INTERMISSION! Time to pee! Or grab a cognac! Or one of those eggs that’ve been marinating in Tabasco in the back of your fridge that you’ve forgot about for years! Kablam!

08. This might be a minor spoiler but it’s not like this is some mystery puzzle movie but the thing living in the walls isn’t exactly the kid’s sister (or is it). They never really show much of the thing because it’s so fucking dark in the unlit house but one thing we do know is that it’s got really really really long hair. Again I couldn’t really see things that great but I think the hair was all over the place and everywhere, so much that I think that’s how they got rid of it at the end. I actually think the creature thing was a good one for once and the voice was cool and one time it drops off this Jack o lantern and says something like Happy Halloween and that might have been my favorite part. Maybe. If you want to learn more about what’s going on with this hairy thing, go back to Paragraph 05. If you want to think about something else that’s hairy, go to Addendum 01. Otherwise and bravely, continue to Paragraph 09.

09. At some point someone tells someone about some girl that went missing “down the street”. They make it seem like this is what might be wrong with the mother and maybe even why she had some sort of speech problem. It could also just be a story they tell to keep their kid from wandering around at night in a creaky house with no carpets, lights and maybe rusty nails sticking out of the creaky floorboards or maybe the dad is going around murdering people because looking and acting like that is what this actor was hired for. If you think everything is innocent and just a story to make a kid piss his bed at night, go to Paragraph 03. If you think the dad’s some sort of child killing maniac, go to Epilogue 02. If all else fails, head to Paragraph 10.

10. Referring back to the parents, especially the mom, I never thought people talked like this until I heard it in a movie called Hot Rod. I found it totally distracting and inconceivable but maybe if we look at our ancestors when they were learning how to speak, maybe throwing that H in there meant something. Whhhhhho are you? Whhhhhhat is that in your loincloth? Seeing as how her character dresses in this thing maybe it makes sense? I don’t really fucking know but it was annoying. She also makes pots of soup for her family to eat for supper. Do you enjoy soup for dinner? If not, go to paragraph 04. If so, go to Epilogue 01. If you’ve finally had enough, go to Paragraph 11.

11. END. I though Cobweb was good and well made and all of that, I did. I do wonder if there was something more going on here in the script aside from what was translated to the movie. It just seems awkward to me about the parents – like maybe they were really brother and sister and had some sort of tucked up childhood and then stole a baby and couldn’t raise it and stuck it in the walls and now it’s the demon of rage or something but it was hidden until they made some new baby that let it out. I know that’s gross but hey – I think my friend at The Devils DVD Bin and I came to the conclusion that most horror movies might just be contraceptives anyway. Also – always remember Onan’s Sin and never drop your load in the dirt. God doesn’t approve of not using your sperms correctly. I actually conclude this sucker in Addendum 02.

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Epilogue 01. You stupid shithead! You just ate poisoned seven pea soup and you’re deader than fuck! Now who’s gonna keep that thing locked up behind the grandfather clock?? Didn’t you catch the GLARING foreshadowing about cinnamon an hour ago? Tsk. Pfft. You boob.

Epilogue 1A. So you creep around your house, carrying a claw hammer like some sort of unbelievable asshole? No one DIYs like that. No one. You probably also lock your disobedient kid down in the basement as punishment, don’t you. Bleeding all over the place. What were you fixing? Remember in Hellraiser when that guy scraped himself on something and bled all over the house like it was the Civil War? Jesus. Go to Epilogue 1A.

Epilogue 02. So you’re a deranged, kid killing motherfucker from the suburbs who gets his jollies by committing murder on people who can’t help themselves? How about you come eat dinner with me and I’ll show you how I feel about bullies. You want to pick on an easy target start here. Why don’t you go fuck yourself, buddy.

Epilogue 03. So you like to pick on people and go sissy when someone fights back. And then bring three or four of your older cousins to trash someone’s house? I suppose it’s a good thing the mom and dad are dead are tits up so they couldn’t call the police or anything but – hey! There’s a d♫♪eeee♪♪♫mm♪♫♪oooonn♫♪♪♫ or ghost or something there to eat and / or kill you. Sorry kids, better luck next time. Looks like you picked the wrong kid and vengeful hairy ghost thing to fuck with.

Addendum 01. Nick Tortelli. I’ve been watching old Cheers reruns in bed before lights out and the other night Nick was getting married to the tall blond lady with the high voice. His shirts are always open deep and he’s always got this peculiar stance or crane of his neck. What a great character. And hairier than fuck.

Addendum 02. Or is this a Codicil? Codicil 01? Maybe. I thought Cobweb was a good movie – even though they must have forgot to pay their set electricians and couldn’t afford lighting. But it was good. I mean except for some of the Whhhhhas and the Whhhos and some other this and thats but hey it was good. It also spurred me along to use the word Codicil in one of my posts even if I technically might not have used it correctly. So I can check off “Nut yourself in the grain silo”, “Sperm on the lettuce”, “Sperm in the dirt” and “Codicil”. Now I just need to figure out how to work in “I haven’t been able to shit with door open for ____”. I guess, even though I’m not not usually a fan of the things I do – I actually did this and I like it and i like my graphic and maybe I’ll do it again some time. A year should be enough time for The Beloved Reader to recuperate from this one, right? RIGHT??!

FILED UNDER: FIM MIASMA HALLOWEEN SPECIALS

And, even though this picture is a little old, here is what I used to wear for Halloween when I felt like really tearing it up out there: