How do I start this thing off right? In this thing a guy named Briskett gets lured to this good looking blond’s family’s house for Christmas dinner. Not surprisingly —-> they plan on eating him! WOO!! YES!! Score! Fuck yeah soldier! Rack em up and let’s play again! Gimme some ribs! Air thrust air thrust! Someone corn that beef and put it in a pot with some cabbage! Faaaaaaaaaaaaah! Shit!

Surprisingly (maybe) (??) I thought this movie was pretty decent for a a movie about a guy named Briskett who was going to be dinner. I want to come right out and say it right here and right now that I will give this movie public high fives and butt slaps and even low fives for filming things in the sunlight and even in rooms with good lighting. Thank you sir you are very sweet. I guess maybe because I found this in the ‘you’ll probably like’ section of Amazon with what I thought was a picture of the guy from Bones and I’d never heard of it and it was called Mercy Christmas about a guy named Briskett who was going to be the family’s meat dish – that I figured I wouldn’t care for it much – and maybe care is a sweet strong word, but this wasn’t too bad and it was well lit so – hugs. And by hugs – since it’s almost Christmas and maybe everyone’s happy and having a good time and i’m so excited to be able to see things and whoever wrote that (extended) part where the guy is crawling around with the other guy who’s had his legs cut off tied to his back with Christmas lights was chef’s kiss awesome – maybe that hug would last too long and knowing me my hand might linger down there at the bottom of the back and then everything would get uncomfortable and… yeah.

Anyway, our man Briskett is the unloved numbers guy who works hard and his ass off to please the dickhead boss. He does numbers for the company and I think he used a mechanical pencil. I do data like this for a living but I use other things because it’s much easier to present in pretty graphs and charts than a three ring binder but that would sully the plot. On the office’s last night before the holiday his boss’ hot secretary brings him an assload of work to do over Christmas and he sez ok and she sez you’re a good worker and makes eyes at him and bustles around her décolletage and the next night he’s sitting around by himself as the only guest at his own party and she shows up again and there’s the top of her chest again and they drink spiked eggnog and whether he thinks he’s gonna get laid or not is left out of the script but she invites him to her parents’ and he says yes and it’s a date and maybe or maybe not he uses this experience to pound one out with his good memories after the scene ends and we look forward to the next piece of this nicely lit film and hopefully we all think good stuff for him! Go! It’s always good to seduce someone under the mistletoe even if it’s yourself. Or so I’ve been told.

As you probably already know, the man goes to get some dinner, gets roofied and ends up in the basement with some other entrees. There’s an old dude who I can’t imagine would be too tasty, the dark skinned fellow and the angry bartender girl who I swore I’d seen in something else but after I looked I was really fucking wrong. Upstairs are the basketball watching, church going , beer sippin’ folks who just want to keep tradition going and eat some people. I guess you can’t blame them. Histry’s histry and they got it. Even grandma who wants them giblets soaking overnight to get em real soft (I think).

Will the entrees and appetizers learn how to fight back? Will Briskett get his numbers done in time? Will that one guy regret breaking his cigar in half? Will it ever be a white Christmas in California?

FILED UNDER: FINALLY SOME FUCKING LIGHTS FOR GODS SAKE AND LEGS FOR DINNER AND MAN I LOVE RIBS AND LIVE WIRES AND GIBLETS AND MECHANICAL PENCILS AND RUDE-OLPH AND GOOD FUN AND NEVER GIVE UP EVEN IF YOU GET YOUR LEGS CUT OFF YOU TOUGH SON OF A BITCH